Clean Jokes Cont

[The March Hare]

Clean Jokes Cont

[The March Hare]

Fart Football

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

[The March Hare]

A crow and a rabbit

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

The Moral of the Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

[The March Hare]

13 Canaries

Three young women are at a thingytail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thingy."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."

The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me too. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Skoda."

The third one says, "Well, I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

[The March Hare]

Beautiful


One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f***** g beautiful!'"

[The March Hare]

12 Days Of Helpdesk


On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me
A problem with E.T.

On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.

On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Three dead disks,
Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Twelve e-mail problems,
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

[The March Hare]

> >> >Two Essex girls, working for Essex County Council.....
> >
> >One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill
> >the hole in.
> >
> >They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then
> >moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,
> >one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
> >
> >An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
> >what they were doing.
> >
> >So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are

> >putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole,
> >only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
> >
> >The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
> >probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But
> >today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[The March Hare]

Zen Sarcasm


1. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

2. Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

4. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

5. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

8. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

9. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

[The March Hare]

The Smiths had no children and the infertility clinic
Decided to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was scheduled to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "The man should
Be here soon. I don't want to be here. I'm off".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
Baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make
A sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but
I've come to...."

"No need to explain. I've been expecting you."
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good!
I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat.

Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
Bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on
The bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too;
You can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
For Harry and me."

"Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every
Time. But if we try several different positions and I
Shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be
Pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
Disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
Portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top
Of the Fifth Avenue bus in New York City."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you
Consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central
Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around
Four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith,
Eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three
Hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling.
I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and
I began to rush my shots. Finally, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean over three hours....?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll
Set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready
For action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[The March Hare]

Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?
A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?

Society.

What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?

A bus shelter.

What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?

Granny.

What do you call a chav in a box?

Innit.

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted.

What do you say to a chav in a suit

"Will the defendant please rise"

Why did the chav cross the road?

To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.

What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?

The bride.

If you see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?

It might be your bike.

What's the first question during a chav quiz night?

What you looking at.

Why are chavs like slinkey's?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs

Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?

The policeman!

What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?

A start.

Where do you take a chav girl for a decent night out?

Up the a*se.

Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?

Because a nova has 4 seats.

What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's?

A liar.

What do you say to a chav with a job?

Bigmac please and I will go large on that.

What's the differemce between a chav boy and a chav girl?

A chav girl has a higher sperm count

[The March Hare]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures
Of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be
Waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown.
Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with
His equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the
Pilot's' seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the
Air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and
Make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a
Photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[The March Hare]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
First of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball
Headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his
Hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to
Roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to
Help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain
If you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few
Minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal
Position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently
Took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,
And she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked
Him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
Hell."

[The March Hare]

Expressions for Women on High Stress Days

1. You - Off my planet
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
11. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep
14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic + disorder - my work here is done.
20. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
21. Earth is full. Go home.
22. Is it time for your medication or mine?
23. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
24. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

[The March Hare]

Some things that make you go hmmm....

1. Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
3. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
5. How do a fool and his money GET together?
6. Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?
7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a workstation?
9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
12. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
13. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
14. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
15. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
16. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
17. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
18. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
19. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
20. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
21. How come there aren't B batteries?
22. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?
23. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
24. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
25. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
26. How is it possible to have a civil war?
27. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
28. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
29. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
31. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
32. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
33. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
34. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
35. How do you throw away a garbage can?
36. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
37. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
38. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
39. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
40. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
41. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
42. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
43. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?
44. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
45. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
46. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
47. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
48. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
49. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
50. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

[The March Hare]

Assumptions.....

Q. Is there a Fourth of July in England? A. Yes, it comes after the third of July!
Q. How many birthdays does the average man have? A. 1 Just one!
Q. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? A. 12, all of them!
Q. How many outs are there in an inning? A. 6, three per side!
Q. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? A. No - because he is dead!
Q. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? A. 70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60! Takes some thinking.....
Q. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? A. 2, you took them, remember?
Q. If a doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour, how many minutes would the pills last? A. 60 - Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.
Q. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? A. Nine!
Q. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? A. Zero, Moses didn't have an ark, Noah did!
Q. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen? A. Twelve, there are 12 two cent stamps in a dozen!
Q. How far can a dog run into the woods? A. Half way, otherwise he'll be coming out of the woods!
Q. Which weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers? A. Neither a pound of bricks weighs the same as a pound of feathers!
Q. A rooster sits on the VERY TOP of a barn roof. If he lays an egg, which side will it roll off? A. Roosters don't lay eggs.
Q. You have a match and you go into a house and there is an oil lamp a stove and a fire place all ready to be started... What do you light first? A. The Match!
Q. I have two US coins that have total value of 55 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are the two coins? A. The one that is not a nickel is a half dollar. The other coin is a nickel.

[The March Hare]

Hey lady

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

[The March Hare]

Ethical Judge

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined."
"It’s in the judge’s hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them."
"But I did send them."
"What?? You did???"
"Yes. That’s how we won the case."
"I don’t understand," said the lawyer.
"It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card."

[The March Hare]

Easiest people to operate on?

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second. "When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded."
"You're all wrong," said, the fourth. "Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and asses are interchangeable

[The March Hare]

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MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose

[The March Hare]

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In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.

The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation�surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."