Clean Jokes Cont

[The March Hare]

Subject: Obedient Wife



The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. ?Just before he died, he said to his wife,

"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. ?When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Send this to every clever female you know. ?I know I will.

[The March Hare]

Subject: Fwd: FW: Typical Man!!

>A typical English 20 something, having split from his latest
girlfriend,
>decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
>proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
>
>He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing,
>only bananas and coconuts.
>
>After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
>gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
>
>In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
>
>She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
when
>my cruise ship sank."
>
>"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with
>you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw
>material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
>branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern

>came
>from a Eucalyptus tree."
>
>"But, where did you get the tools?"
>
>"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
>island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if
I
>fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile
iron.
>I
>used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
>
>The guy is stunned.
>
>"Let's row over to my place," she says.
>
>After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
>
>As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is
a
>stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
>
>While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the
>man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house,she
says
>casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.
>
>Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still
dazed. "I
>can't take another drop of coconut juice."
>
>"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would
you
>like a Pina Colada?"
>
>Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down
>on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the
woman
>announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
>
>Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in
the
>bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into
the
>bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise
>bone.
>Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside
>a
>swivel mechanism.
>
>"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
>
>When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically
>positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to
sit
>down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer
to
>him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's
>something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've
>been longing for?" She stares into his eyes ...
>
>He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows
excitedly
>and tears start to form in his eyes...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>(Keep going)
>>































"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well!"

[The March Hare]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."

"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters!

You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."







(Ready for this?)







(I'm warning you.....)











"You're going through the change!

[The March Hare]

Pedigree Chum


I was in Tesco the other day buying a large bag of Pedigree Chum for my dog and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby (and having a weird sense of humour), so on impulse I told her no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally believing it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or handbag with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said "No..... I was sitting in the street licking my arse when a car hit me".

>
>
>
>
>

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[The March Hare]

The 1st Affair



A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my

secretary.

We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"



The 2nd Affair



A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked

about

having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they

always

wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"



The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.

Schwartz,

about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,

"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private

part.

It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,

opening

his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"



The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening

the

front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over

him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell

you,"

she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with

a

sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood

like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a d**ned

thing."



The 5th Affair



A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:"How much for a nice juicy steak and

a

bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down

here."



The 6th Affair



Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your

mother!"

"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
Years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
And that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
Doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
Back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
The sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
Laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
Bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
And I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[The March Hare]

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be sleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbours would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
Didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't come with energy

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe

[The March Hare]

UK = US

Biscuit = cookie
Scone = biscuit
Lump of dough = scone
f*g = cigarette
Homo = f*g
Gay = happy
Socialist = communist
Whig = socialist
Tory = democrat
Right-wing Tory = republican
Green = tree-hugging
Bloke = buddy
Sod = f**k
Oops = f**k
Oh = f**k
Jolly = f**king
Very = f**king
Really = f**king
Quite = f**king
Guy = motherf**ker
Bloody = motherf**king
Darn = motherf**king
, = , you know,
. = , know what I mean?
! = , man!
Nude = pornographic
Nudity = porn
Flat = apartment
Lift = elevator
Chemists = drug store
Loo = rest room
Torch = flashlight
Complain = sue
Chips = fries
Maize = corn
Corn = grain
Coffee = espresso
Tepid water = coffee
Cold water = beer
Tipsy = drunk
Drunk = plastered
Pissed = dead drunk
Annoyed = pissed
Irate = postal
Nice = cool
Cool = cold
Cold = freezing
Snow = snow storm
Drizzle = rain storm
Rain = flood warning
Light breeze = wind storm
Windy = hurricane
Foreign weather = sunshine
Brolly = umbrella
Telly = TV
Umpire = referee
Bowler = pitcher
Football = soccer

[The March Hare]

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

[The March Hare]

The President of the United States, George W. Bush, has asked that ALL Americans and Canadians unite together in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our communities.

Since the Taliban and Al Queda cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman who is not their wife, on this Saturday afternoon at 2:00 PM Eastern, all North American women (ages 18-30 only) are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help identify and weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this special antiterrorist effort.

All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove you think it's OK to see other women nude. (Since the Al Queda also do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your antiterrorist sentiment.)

Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia. The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your patriotism!!

[The March Hare]

Subject: A moral question!


> A MORAL QUESTION
>
>
>
> : Nick the Dragon Slayer
>
>
>
>
> Once upon a time, and far-far away, lived a beautiful Queen with
> voluptuous breasts.
>
> Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would
be
> death should he try to touch them.
>
> One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the
> Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
>
> Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick
the
> Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold
coins
> to arrange it.
>
> Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the
scheme
and
> would pay when it was proven.
>
> The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching
powder
and
> poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
>
> Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense.
>
> Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this
incident
> Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special
> saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch
and
> that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer
would
> work as the antidote to cure the itch.
>
> The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
>
> Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the
antidote
> for the itching powder which he quickly put into his mouth.
>
> For the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's
> voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
>
> The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon
Slayer
> left satisfied and touted as a hero.
>
> Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found
Horatio
the
> Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
>
> With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't
have
> cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report
> this matter to the King and with a laugh, just told him to get
lost.
>
> The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the
same
> itching powder into the King's underwear.
>
> The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
>
> The moral of the story - - - - - - - - - - - - - Pay your bills
>
>

[The March Hare]

bracelet


-----


> A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around,
spots
> a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she
bends
> over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
>
> Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
> noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop
up
> right now.
>
> As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a

> salesman standing right behind her.
>
> Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman
> greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
>
> Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
been
> there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is
the
> price of this lovely bracelet?"
>
> He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
> nuts yourself when I tell you the price."
>

[The March Hare]

Subject: Fw: double-entendres.....



_______________________________________________
>
> Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired
> on British TV and radio
>
>
> 1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from

> Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
>
>
> 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
> Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
>
>
> 3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
> horse. I once rode her mother."
>
>
> 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't

> that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
> the Oxford crew."
>
>
> 5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
> playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
> balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"
>
>
> 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
> Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
>
>
> 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
> snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob,
> where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE

> have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
> laughing so hard!
>
>
> 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
> today after a 69 yesterday."
>
>
> 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
> "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
> like this."
>
>
> 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
> "Stephen
> Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
>
>
> 11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
> astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
> "They
> seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
> his shorts."
>
>
> 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
> Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes
> to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

[The March Hare]

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
Inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his
word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to
the
>>golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice.
>>
>>I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty
much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

[The March Hare]

Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President of the USA.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt in the rain.

You can wear NO shirt in the rain.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too filthy.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £5000. Tuxedo rental £75.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £3.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have bra strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

AND

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

[The March Hare]

Subject: FW: SAVE A FORTUNE - USE OUR EXERCISE
How to keep yourself fit







Exercise Routine

If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.



It may be too strenuous for some.



Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



SCROLL DOWN.............











































































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Bottle of Wine!!!

[The March Hare]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He said Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

[The March Hare]

A WOMAN'S PRAYER:
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"