|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 12, 2007 8:39:56 GMT 1
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you
bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
"Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought
cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did
you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought
these!"
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with
those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the
box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 13, 2007 8:34:44 GMT 1
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>A little light humour.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Men DO Remember Anniversaries
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not
>>>in their
>>>bed.
>>>
>>>
>>>She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
>>>
>>>
>>>She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
>>>coffee in
>>>front of him.
>>>
>>>
>>>He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
>>>
>>>
>>>She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
>>>coffee.
>>>
>>>
>>>"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
>>>room, "Why
>>>are you down here at this time of night?"
>>>
>>>
>>>The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
>>>when we
>>>were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
>>>
>>>
>>>The wife is touched to tears thinking that her
>>>husband is so caring and
>>>sensitive.
>>>
>>>
>>>"Yes I do," she replies.
>>>
>>>
>>>The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
>>>
>>>
>>>"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
>>>car
>>>making love?"
>>>
>>>
>>>"Yes,I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
>>>beside him.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>The husband continued.
>>>
>>>
>>>"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
>>>'Either
>>>you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>"I remember that too" she replied softly.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have
>>>gotten out
>>>today."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 13, 2007 8:35:18 GMT 1
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.
Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark!?!"
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 14, 2007 8:30:59 GMT 1
* BREAKING NEWS...*
Major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale his Essex in the early hours of Monday morning with its epicentre in Basildon - Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "faaackinell"
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage - several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt-out cars were disturbed - many locals were woken well before their giro cheques arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of five, said "It was such a shock - my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning". Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through he rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sports socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark
Food parcels are also needed - required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of colt 45 or Special Brew (affectionately termed "wife beater")
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys Benson & Hedges and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected
* MORE BREAKING NEWS..................*
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
"where are you bleeding from" they asked
"Romford" said the girl, "Woss that gotta do wiv you>"
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 14, 2007 8:34:16 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run---anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you ? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to every one you can remember.
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 14, 2007 8:42:44 GMT 1
hree drunks were sitting at a bar.
The first one said... "I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes."
He paused. "I didn't even know she smoked!"
The second drunk said... "I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!"
The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..
"I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!"
He paused...
"I didn't even know she had a thingy!!!"
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 15, 2007 8:44:17 GMT 1
Female Compassion!
-
>Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife
Carolyn
that
>the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
>
>Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course
she
>agreed and they made passionate love.
>
>Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I
only
have
>18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
>
>Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
>
>Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
eight
>hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey?
Please?
>Just one more time before I die." She agreed,then afterward she
rolled
over
>and fell asleep.
>
>Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed
and
>turned until he was down to only four more hours.
>
>He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
>
>"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up
>abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny
............but I
>have to get up in the morning and you don't."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 15, 2007 8:50:28 GMT 1
petwer
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 16, 2007 8:16:25 GMT 1
*** Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ***
( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofapregnant dog- and she did!
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 16, 2007 8:23:10 GMT 1
IDIOT SIGHTINGS...
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving!"
Idiot Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often," Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Idiot Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Idiot Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side..."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 17, 2007 8:46:33 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 17, 2007 9:31:05 GMT 1
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
How come there aren't B batteries?
If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 18, 2007 10:44:22 GMT 1
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT...
But my wife out in the car still does!"
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 18, 2007 10:45:43 GMT 1
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY nuts my pants..."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 18, 2007 10:52:23 GMT 1
When I'm with you,
eternity is a step away,
my love continues to grow,
with each passing day.
This treasure of love,
I cherish within my soul,
how much I love you...
you'll never really know.
You bring a joy to my heart,
I've never felt before,
with each touch of your hand,
I love you more and more.
Whenever we say goodbye,
whenever we part,
know I hold you dearly,
deep inside my heart.
So these seven words,
I pray you hold true,
"Forever And Always,
I Will Love You
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 19, 2007 8:31:33 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 19, 2007 8:33:50 GMT 1
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY nuts my pants..."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 20, 2007 9:06:27 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 20, 2007 9:09:23 GMT 1
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Mar 21, 2007 8:28:48 GMT 1
Remember When (Classic)
A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show A
window was something you hated to clean.... And RAM was the
cousin of a goat.....
MEG was the name of my girlfriend And GIG was your middle
finger upright Now they all mean different things And that
really MEGA bytes
An application was for employment A program was a TV show A
cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank
account And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy You hoped nobody found
out
Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you
did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be
in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip
on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup
happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web
was a spider's home And a virus was the flu
I guess i'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my
head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when
it happens they wish they were dead
|
|
