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Post by The March Hare on Dec 2, 2006 8:36:29 GMT 1
No mail
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of his house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which the blonde replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 2, 2006 8:38:30 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You! Foreigners! Come in, come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming; "YOU GOT THEM ON THE WRONG FEET
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 3, 2006 9:56:03 GMT 1
21 Things You Can Say at Xmas
> >21 things you CAN get away with saying at Xmas...
> >> >
> >> > 1. I prefer breasts to legs
> >> >
> >> > 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
> >> >
> >> > 3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
> >> >
> >> > 4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
> >> >
> >> > 5. I've never seen a better spread!
> >> >
> >> > 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
> >> >
> >> > 7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
> >> >
> >> > 8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
> >> >
> >> > 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
> >> >
> >> > 10. Don't play with your meat.
> >> >
> >> > 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
> >> >
> >> > 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at
Once?
> >> >
> >> > 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
> >> >
> >> > 14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
> >> >
> >> > 15. How long will it take after you put it in?
> >> >
> >> > 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
> >> >
> >> > 17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
> >> >
> >> > 18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
> >> >
> >> > 19. I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning
> >> >
> >> > 20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want
> >> > more!
> >> >
> >> > 21. I do like a good stuffing.
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 3, 2006 9:58:04 GMT 1
A Glaswegian walks into a library in Glasgow and says to the librarian:
"Excuse me Miss, day ye HIV ony books on suicide?"
She stops doing her work, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says:
"f**k off, ye'll no bring it back".
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 4, 2006 9:01:45 GMT 1
Subject: Fw: Jelly baby
Subject
>A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a
>few
>
>beers the Smartie says, "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new
>club,
>
>fancy tagging along?"
>
>The Jelly Baby says, "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up
>getting
>
>my head kicked in."
>
>So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll
>look
>
>after you."
>
>Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fair enough, as long
>as
>
>you'll look after me", and off they go.
>
>
>
>After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as
>he
>
>sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
>
>The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking
>
>cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary
>
>chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and
>walk
>
>out.
>
>
>
>Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and
>wipes
>
>up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you
>were
>
>going to look after me."
>
>I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f***ing menthol".
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 4, 2006 9:03:05 GMT 1
It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off.
His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank.
Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.
"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you, thank you!"
Father Christmas promises him that:
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?"
Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.
"36" replies the man.
Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay bastard in fancy dress!!!
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 5, 2006 9:26:46 GMT 1
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 6, 2006 8:39:01 GMT 1
Daddy's gonna eat your fingers
Rs
>
>
>
>>This one is for everyone who
>>a) has kids
>>b) had kids
>>c) was a kid
>>d) knows a kid
>>e) is going to have kids
>>
>>I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was
> having a
>>wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look
> at
>>this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
>>
>>Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
> fingers in
>>my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat
> them
>>before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter
>>was
>
>>standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on
> her
>>face.
>>
>>I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
>>
>>She replied, "What happened to my bogey?"
>
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 8, 2006 9:09:07 GMT 1
18 hours to live
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A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18
Hours to live. "That's terrible!!!" said her husband, "What would you like to do during your
Last hours ? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you."
"Well," she said, "First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my
Favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long !"
"Gee, Honey." said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all,
I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't"
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 9, 2006 9:00:33 GMT 1
Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlie friends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If we said something that can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Lilac is a flower. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as S£x, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the settee tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 10, 2006 11:11:03 GMT 1
A government job
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy he's hired, then informs him, "The hours are from 8 A.M. To 4 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 A.M. To 4 P.M. Then why do you want me to come in at 10 A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... No point in you coming in for that."
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 11, 2006 8:42:55 GMT 1
Dear Deirdre,
> I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
> could be a crucial decision.
>
> I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
>
> The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
>
> My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
> ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
> know them."
>
> I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
> walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has
> got out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
>
> I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went
> berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was
> I checking up on her.
>
> Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
> down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
> again and I decided to really check on her.
>
> I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
> garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
> street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
> Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
> leaking a little oil.
>
> Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
>
> Thanks,
>
> Bob
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 12, 2006 8:45:04 GMT 1
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she nutss on you!"
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 12, 2006 8:52:45 GMT 1
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she nutss on you!" |
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 12, 2006 8:53:04 GMT 1
Paddy's doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire"
He's got £500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1million quid. "Paddy, for £1million, who was the great train robber? Was it,
A, Ronnie Barker...
B, Ronnie O'Sullivan...
C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it
D, Ronnie Biggs???"
Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris"
Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.
Paddy again say's.."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris"
"You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris.
"No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - final answer"
"OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000. However before you go, you'll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"
Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris"
"You knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?"
Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no feckin grass
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 13, 2006 8:47:42 GMT 1
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
Party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the toilet. Those who
Remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
Successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
Now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
His best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
Joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight
School to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company,
Where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his
Best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
Construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
Something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A
30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
From the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One
Of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
Successes of our sons... What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living as a rent
Boy."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
Him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks
Ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new
Jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 14, 2006 8:26:01 GMT 1
B & Q JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will co operate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy
package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free
Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely
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Post by Bulent on Feb 13, 2007 0:19:27 GMT 1
Eve and Adam One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy". "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well, you can have him on one condition," said God. "What's that, Lord?" "Because of his tender ego, you'll have to let him believe that I made him first."  |
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 14, 2007 9:37:21 GMT 1
A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost.
>He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more
>and shouted.
>"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
>hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
>The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
>approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees
>north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude."
>"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
>"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
>"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
>correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. The fact is,
>I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
>you've delayed my trip."
>The woman below responded, "You must be
>in management."
>"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
>"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
>going.
>You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You
>made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
>beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the
>same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've
>managed to make it my fault."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 17, 2007 8:35:05 GMT 1
Counseling
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The ;therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
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