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Post by The March Hare on Mar 21, 2007 8:40:26 GMT 1
MORE BLONDE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
A: Because she didn't know which one came first!
Q: How can you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.
Q: What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
A: Nothing, they never met.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Because the blondes couldn't manage it either.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A Golden retriever!
Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts?
A: Change!
Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know which day of the week it is.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
A: They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have a black box.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
A: She threw out all the W's
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 22, 2007 8:38:04 GMT 1
This crazy guy walks into an insane asylum wearing nothing but
plastic wrap as shorts.
The doctor walks in and tells him - "I can clearly see your
nuts!"
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 22, 2007 8:52:09 GMT 1
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from all that skipping."
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 23, 2007 8:42:59 GMT 1
Fertilization
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a
glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm
celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the
woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched thingys," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 23, 2007 8:44:05 GMT 1
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 24, 2007 8:57:31 GMT 1
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real pregnant dog this time."
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 24, 2007 8:58:40 GMT 1
THE NAME'S BLONDE... DUMB BLONDE!
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: It's the only car name they can spell.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Introduces herself.
Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 26, 2007 7:42:09 GMT 1
AAADD
-----
Subject: AAADD
Recently, I was diagnosed with :
A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected from the letter box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that it is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye they need water.
I put the Coke on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote control, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote control back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day:
- the car isn't washed
- the bills aren't paid
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the worktop
- the flowers don't have enough water
- there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
- I can't find the remote control
- I can't find my glasses
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 27, 2007 7:43:46 GMT 1
The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows
Vista:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any
11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue
or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT
THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your
eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name!
Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session.
Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "You have
just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?" 10) This
is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log
off." 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12)
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13)
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key. 14)
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing
mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at 417
A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18) Error reading FAT record: Try the
SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use
backup... PENCIL & PAPER. 20) User Error: Replace user. 21)
Windows VirusScan
1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)" 22) Backup not found:
(A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 27, 2007 7:44:56 GMT 1
Still A Virgin
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 28, 2007 7:38:49 GMT 1
A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.
After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two
things.
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean!" The guy says, "Can't you tell the
difference?"
"Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early
stages... Tell you what ya do...Drive her way out into the
country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way
back, - don't have sex with her anymore!"
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 28, 2007 7:40:10 GMT 1
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be
marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "thingytails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 28, 2007 7:44:23 GMT 1
Bad Dreams
A distraught man goes to see a psychologist. How may I help you?’ the doctor asks. Doc, every night, I have the same dream. I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walkin and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me. And then what do you do? the shrink asks. I push them away, the man says. Then what do you want me to do? the shrink asks. Break my arms!
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 29, 2007 7:32:07 GMT 1
> >
> > KIDS WRITE ABOUT THE SEA
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
> >>(Kelly age 6)
> >>
> >> 2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
> >>
> >> 3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't
> >>have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
> >>
> >> 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
> >>Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
> >>
> >> 5) A dolphin breaths through an not a very nice person on the top of its head.
> >>(Billy age 8)
> >>
> >> 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
> >>crabs. Millie age 6)
> >>
> >> 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to
> >>cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors
> > would
> >>whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been
> > better off eating beans. (William age 7)
> >>
> >> 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny
> >>tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen
> > age 6)
> >>
> >> 9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is
> >>always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and
> > my
> >>big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy
> > age 6)
> >>
> >> 10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels
> >>can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
> > think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
> >>
> >> 11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it
> >>makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
> >>
> >> 12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two
> >>divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky
> > age 8)
> >>
> >> 13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she
> >>was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
> > right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)
> >
> >
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 29, 2007 7:32:40 GMT 1
10:30 AM
Subject: [Fwd: A true Story :-]
>
> Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle.
>
> From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove
their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park.
>
> The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed
the car.
>
> The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from
under
the chassis.
>
> Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.
>
> Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.
>
> On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
>
> The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 5, 2007 8:14:20 GMT 1
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