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Post by The March Hare on Apr 27, 2006 7:32:19 GMT 1
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 27, 2006 16:38:58 GMT 1
> Subject: foreign cousin (CRINGE)
>
> A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his
> English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
> rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
> divorce for him.
>
> The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
> circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
>
> * Have you any grounds?
> * Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
>
> * No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
> * It made of concrete.
>
> * I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
> * No, we have carport, and not need one.
>
> * I mean. What are your relations like?
> * All my relations still in Poland.
>
> * Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
> * We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
>
> * Does your wife beat you up?
> * No, I always up before her.
>
> * Is you wife a nagger?
> * No, she white.
>
> * Why do you want this divorce?
> * She going to kill me.
>
> * What makes you think that?
> * I got proof.
>
> * What kind of proof?
> * She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
> shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 28, 2006 7:16:56 GMT 1
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.
The doctor says: 'Okay you're ugly as well.
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 28, 2006 7:17:25 GMT 1
Q. What is the difference between ignorance and indifference?
A. I don't know and I don't care
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 28, 2006 7:17:51 GMT 1
A blonde is knocked down by a car, the paramedic rushes up to here and said, "can you tell me where you are bleeding from."
"Course i can, you fool." She said "I'm from bleedin Romford in i."
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 28, 2006 7:18:36 GMT 1
Two carrots were walking down the road when one was hit by a car.
After the injured carrot wasrushed to hospital, the surgeon came into the waiting room to see his pal.
"The good news is that your friend will live,"
"The bad news he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 28, 2006 7:19:24 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to see the Doctor
"Doctor I think I have caught that bird flu that's going around"
"What makes you think that sir"
"Well.... I've started wearing make up, talking boll*cks and can't park the car"
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 28, 2006 7:29:13 GMT 1
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no
room for you. As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let
some-one else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even >>let
you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think
I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he
did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant >>agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.
The devil opened a third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over
his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah,
I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said,
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 29, 2006 7:21:57 GMT 1
the World Cup
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting
in
the empty seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind
would
have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting
event,
and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come
with
me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't
been
to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 29, 2006 7:22:47 GMT 1
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The d**n fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 29, 2006 7:23:17 GMT 1
paddy the irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body
his two best freinds seamus and sean were sent for
seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheets
seamus said yep he's burnt prettty bad.roll him over,
so the mortician rolled paddy over.
seamus looked down and said nope thats not paddy
the mortician thought that was rather strange and then brought in sean to identify the body.
sean took a look at him and said yup he burnt real bad, roll him over
the mortician rolled paddy over and sean looked down and said nope it's not paddy
the mortician asked how can you tell?
sean said well paddy had two arseholes
what he had two arseholes said the mortician
yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes
everytime we went into town, folks would say
hey here comes paddywith them two arseholes
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 29, 2006 7:25:19 GMT 1
A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter.
"Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance."
"Okay," says the blonde.
"Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T."
"That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"
"Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?"
"That's easy. Twelve!"
"Twelve?"
"January second, February second, March second--"
"Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What's God's name?"
"That's easy. Howard!"
"Howard?"
"You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 29, 2006 7:26:37 GMT 1
had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!
The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.
I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 30, 2006 9:03:05 GMT 1
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave!
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 30, 2006 9:03:39 GMT 1
A woman went to apply for a job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. She went to her interview, and an hour or so later she got the job. The manager congratulated her and told her to be at work at 8:00 sharp the next morning. The next morning she breezed in at 8:00 and started to work. After a couple of hours, a fellow worker rushed in to the manager's office.
"Sir, he said," the woman you just hired has set us back for days! I don't know what she's doing, but it's bad!" The manager replied, "Well tomorrow we will observe her and see why she's taking so long."
The next morning the manager and worker quickly hid so the woman would not see them. She immediately set to work to make the Elmo. She then took two more eyeballs and another piece of furry cloth and fiddled around with it and sewed it on the doll.
The manager started roaring with laughter. He went up to the woman still chuckling and said, "You misunderstood me when you got the job. You are supposed to give Elmo two test tickles
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 30, 2006 9:04:32 GMT 1
Who Said That?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades
and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of
this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and
will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these pregnant doges would keep
their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 30, 2006 9:05:50 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CAR
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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Post by The March Hare on May 1, 2006 8:12:41 GMT 1
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back
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Post by The March Hare on May 1, 2006 8:13:40 GMT 1
A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down.
An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
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Post by The March Hare on May 1, 2006 8:14:38 GMT 1
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing 2 US Govt officials from the GAO sent to interview him.'chief Two Eagles' asked one GAO 'you have observed the whiteman for 90 years. You have seen his wars,his technological advances,his progress and his advancement. Considering all these events where did the white man go wrong.
The chief stared at the officials for over a minute and replied :- When white man came to this great country Indians were running it. There were
No Taxes
No Debt
Plenty buffalo
plenty beaver
Women did all house work
Men hunted and Fished all day and had sex all night.
Only the white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on this system
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