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Post by The March Hare on May 2, 2006 7:36:19 GMT 1
What's it called when a blonde dyes her hair?
Artificial intelligence!
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Post by The March Hare on May 2, 2006 7:36:47 GMT 1
Mary had a little sheep
With this sheep
She went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb.
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Post by The March Hare on May 2, 2006 7:37:15 GMT 1
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the nuts out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years"
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Post by The March Hare on May 2, 2006 7:37:43 GMT 1
One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office with a carrot in one ear, a cucumber in the other ear and two peas up her nose. When the doctor asked what was wrong, she complained she wasn't feeling well. The doctor told her it was because she wasn't eating right
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Post by The March Hare on May 2, 2006 7:38:20 GMT 1
What do you call a fat woman who likes men and women?
A bisexual built for two!
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Post by The March Hare on May 3, 2006 6:27:45 GMT 1
One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach when she noticed that she had lost her top. She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked overto her towel. Then a little girl came running up to her.
"If you're going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the cute little pink nose."
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Post by The March Hare on May 3, 2006 6:28:20 GMT 1
A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her,, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
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Post by The March Hare on May 3, 2006 6:28:48 GMT 1
There was this guy named John that went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask a question.
''What's the deal with all these clocks?'' John asked.
''Well,'' said God, ''these clocks tell how much a person masturbates.''
''Well, where's my clock?'' asked John.
''It's in the office,'' replied God. ''We use it as a fan
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Post by The March Hare on May 3, 2006 6:29:18 GMT 1
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'thingy' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'thingy' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"
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Post by The March Hare on May 3, 2006 6:30:07 GMT 1
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
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Post by The March Hare on May 3, 2006 6:48:16 GMT 1
Mary had a little sheep
With this sheep
She went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb.
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Post by The March Hare on May 4, 2006 7:48:34 GMT 1
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were having their packed lunch on the building sites where they worked. The Englishman opened his lunchbox and said
"Cheese! Another cheese sandwich?! I've been working here for the past 8 years and all I have ever had for my lunch are cheese sandwiches! If I have it again tomorrow i'm going to kill myself!".
The other 2 men were slightly shocked by this, but never-the-less the Scotsman continued to eat his lunch. When he got to open his lunchbox, he saw he had ham sandwiches. Like the Englishman he explained how he was annoyed about having the same lunch for the past 8 years, and that he would kill himself if he had another ham sandwich tomorrow.
And yes, Paddy the Irishman also threatened to top himself if he had prawn sandwich tomorrow.
So, the next day came, and at lunch time the men opened their lunchboxes. The Englishman declared "Right that's it! Cheese again" and proceeded to throw himself into the nearest cement mixer. Then came the Scotsman. He opened up his lunchbox and, again, found 2 rounds of ham sandwiches. True to his word, he climbed to the top of a scaffold rig and threw himself off. Seeing this, the Irishman thought he had also kill himself if he had prawn sandwiches again. So, like before, he saw he had a prawn sandwich, and proceeded to commit suicide.
At the funeral for the 3 men, their wives started talking:
"I can't believe it" started the Englishman's wife "I always thought he liked cheese sandwiches."
"I know" said the Scotsman's wife "Jock never said anything about not liking ham sandwiches."
"It's terrible" exclaimed the Irishman's wife "Paddy always made his own sandwiches!"
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Post by The March Hare on May 4, 2006 7:49:38 GMT 1
When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell. "Sorry to bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sure you want sixteen gallons of milk today?"
"Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to take a milk bath."
"Do you want it pasteurized?"
"No, just up to my tits would be fine
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Post by The March Hare on May 4, 2006 7:50:22 GMT 1
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. "What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.
The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."
The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."
"Yep," says the elephant. "I have turtle recall
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Post by The March Hare on May 4, 2006 7:51:17 GMT 1
Blonde LOGIC Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking...and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?  ?" |
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Post by The March Hare on May 5, 2006 7:31:23 GMT 1
A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.
The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.
It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"
She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"
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Post by The March Hare on May 5, 2006 7:32:43 GMT 1
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques-visualization, association-it has made a big difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife.... "Rose, what was the name of that clinic
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Post by The March Hare on May 5, 2006 7:33:25 GMT 1
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his thingy.
The wife gave him a weird look, and then the husband replied: "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator
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Post by The March Hare on May 5, 2006 7:34:02 GMT 1
Subject: The little old lady in court
>THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT. . .
>
> Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
>
> Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
>
> Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
>the night of April 1st?
>
> Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
>porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
>the porch and sat down beside me.
>
> Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
>
> Lttle Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
>
> Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
>
> Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
>
> Defense Attorne y: Did you stop him?
>
> Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney: Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
>died some 30 years ago.
>
> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
>
> Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
>
> Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney: Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited I
>haven't felt that good in years!
>
> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just
>laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
>
> Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
>
> Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"! And that's
>when I shot him, the little bastard
>
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Post by The March Hare on May 6, 2006 7:26:39 GMT 1
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today
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?"