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Post by The March Hare on Apr 15, 2006 18:13:25 GMT 1
A nice clean sheet let's start again
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Post by jj on Apr 16, 2006 7:21:44 GMT 1
HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was
looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he
put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of
latex and workers of all
hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the
right size." She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the
dental procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he
asked. "I was just picturing how condoms are made!"
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
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Post by jj on Apr 16, 2006 7:22:26 GMT 1
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God, I miss him!"
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government....
This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 16, 2006 9:47:09 GMT 1
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 16, 2006 9:49:24 GMT 1
Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Spurs hat over one breast. The second guy, a Liverpool fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Manchester United fan then placed his hat over the woman's private parts. Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Spurs hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Liverpool hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Man United Fan hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Man United fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Man United hats, there's an arsehole under it
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 16, 2006 9:50:27 GMT 1
Three Turtles
Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 16, 2006 9:52:24 GMT 1
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out-and then ate him. The morals of the story are:
1. Not everyone who drops nutss on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of nuts is your friend.
3. When you're in deep nuts, keep your mouth shut
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 17, 2006 7:58:00 GMT 1
What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
* * *
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 17, 2006 7:58:40 GMT 1
Q. What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?
A. Stays awake night wondering if there is a dog
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 17, 2006 7:59:35 GMT 1
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 17, 2006 8:00:03 GMT 1
First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.
* * *
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 17, 2006 8:00:41 GMT 1
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 18, 2006 7:44:40 GMT 1
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
* * *
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 18, 2006 7:46:04 GMT 1
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue. When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times. When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public. When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public. When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad. When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot. When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked. When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy?  " When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay. When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???" When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason. When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets. When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together. When you are married ....You wonder who will die first. When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy." When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out. When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is. When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area. When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood." When you are married ....He says "It's your job." When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends. When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away. When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things. When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare. When you are dating..... He calls you by name. When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 18, 2006 7:48:12 GMT 1
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 18, 2006 7:48:42 GMT 1
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 18, 2006 19:59:27 GMT 1
Change Hair Style!
A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts the photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a photo to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture of himself in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says. "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style. It makes your nose look too short."
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Post by jj on Apr 19, 2006 6:54:55 GMT 1
Little Johnny's mother took her 6-year-old son with her
to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese
lady. As the mother patiently waited, Little Johnny
looked at the women in front of him and observed
loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his
mother and gave an understanding smile. Little' Johnny
received a reprimand.
After a minute or two, Little Johnny spread his hands
as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt
is 'that' wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed
mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Little Johnny stated
loudly,"Look how the fat hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her
child and his mother threatened him with severe bodily
harm.
The lady's pager begins to go off.
Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice,
"Run for your life, she's backing up"
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Post by jj on Apr 19, 2006 6:56:24 GMT 1
Things that you learn as a kid
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
# No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
# When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
# If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
# They always catch the second person.
# Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
# You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
# Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
# Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
# Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
# School lunches stick to the wall.
# You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
# Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
# The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
# Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
# There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
# One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
# The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
# Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
# Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
# Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
# Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
# Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
# My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
# If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
# You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
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Post by jj on Apr 19, 2006 6:57:59 GMT 1
What does it taste like
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're not a very nice persons!"
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"