Re: Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

A guy is driving around Newfoundland and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in he backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.



"You talk?" he asks.



"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.



"So, what's your story?"


The Lab looks up and says, "Well,I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told CSIS about my gift and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security - wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."



The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.



"Ten dollars,"the Newfie says.



"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"



"Because he's such a friggin' liar. He never did any of that nuts."

[The March Hare]

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with
some kind of wire running from his waist towards the
electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of
wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman

[The March Hare]

A dear john letter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you
for seven years and I havenothing to show for it.


These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called
to tell me that you had quit your job today and that
was the last straw.


Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had
gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal
and even wore a brand new negligee.


You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight
to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you
love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.


Eitheryou're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever
the case is, I'm gone.


P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER
and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Your EX-Wife






Dear Ex-Wife:


Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
letter. It's true that you and I have been married
for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been.


I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging.
Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came
to mind was "You look just like a man!"


My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't
say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have gotten meconfused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating
pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had
on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it.


I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and
your negligee was £40.00.


After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto
for ten million dollars,I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica.


But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess.


I hope you have thefilling life you always wanted.


My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote,
you won't get a dime from me.


So take care.


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl,
my brother was bornCarla. I hope that's not a problem.


Signed 'Rich As Hell and Free!'

[The March Hare]

It is easy girls.......The offside rule expalined properly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s very simple really …

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.
Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, 'whilst it is in flight' you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse had 'actually been thrown' it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

[The March Hare]

>
>
>
> Just for a minute, forget everything stressful and read this.......
>
> Close your eyes and go back in time... (how do you read with your eyes
> closed??)
>
>
> Before the Internet or the Apple Mac.
>
> Before semi-automatics, joyriders and crack....
>
> Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...
>
> Way back........
>
> I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park.
>
> The Finefare shop.
>
> Hopscotch.
>
> Butterscotch.
>
> Skipping.
>
> Handstands.
>
> Beano, Dandy, Buster, Twinkle and Dennis the menace.
>
> Roly Poly.
>
> Hula Hoops, jumping the stream, building dams.
>
> The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.
>
> Bazooka Joe bubble gum.
>
> An ice cream cone on a warm summer night from the van that plays a
tune
> - Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe Neapolitan or perhaps a
> screwball.
>
> Wait......
>
> Watching Saturday morning cartoons.... short commercials
>
> The Double Deckers, Road Runner, He-Man, Zeebedee Tiswas or Swapshop?,
and
> 'Why Don't You'? - or staying up for Doctor Who.
>
> When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like
going
> somewhere.
>
> Earwigs, wasps, stinging nettles and bee stings.
>
> Sticky fingers.
>
> Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Zorro.
>
> Climbing trees.
>
> Building igloos out of snow banks.
>
> Walking to school, no matter what the weather.
>
> Running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your
stomach
> hurt.
>
> Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights.
>
> Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
>
> Being tired from playing.... remember that?
>
> The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
>
> Water balloons were the ultimate weapon
>
> Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
>
> Choppers and Grifters
>
> Eating raw jelly. Orange squash ice pops.
>
> Remember when...
>
> There were two types of trainers - girls and boys, and Dunlop Green
Flash -
> and the only time you wore them at school was for P.E.
>
> You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents. It wasn't
odd
> to have two or three "best" friends.
>
> You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas eve.
>
> When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.
>
> When a tanner was decent pocket money
>
> When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
>
> When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there.
>
> It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
>
> When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at
a
real
> restaurant with your parents.
>
> When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to
carry
> groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
>
> When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate
that
> awaited a misbehaving student at home.
>
> Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of
drive-by
> shootings, drugs, gangs etc. Parents and grandparents were a much
bigger
> threat! - and some of us are still afraid of them!!
>
> Didn't that feel good?
>
> Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!
>
> Remember when....
>
> Decisions were made by going " Ip Dip Dog Sh*t "
>
> "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
>
> Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in 'Monopoly'.
>
> The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs.
>
> And the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one.
>
> It was unbelievable that 'British Bulldog 123' wasn't an Olympic
event.
>
> Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a catapult.
>

> Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
>
> Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.
>
> Ice cream was considered a basic food group
>
> Getting a foot of snow was a dream.
>
> Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest
Protectors
>
> If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED.
>
> Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up"
> life...
>
> I DOUBLE-DARE YOU
>

[The March Hare]

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

[The March Hare]

A Tragedy or Not

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I loved this joke so I have put it here for those that missed it.

Tony Blair was visiting a school and was asked by a
teacher if he would like to lead the discussion on
what constituted a “ tragedy”.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an
example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on
a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills
him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not." explained the PM. "That's what we would call a
great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched
the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example
of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a
quiet voice he said: "If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, was struck
by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be
a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."

[The March Hare]

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeare at
>the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the
>front
>entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
>incarnate.
> Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman
>who
>sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that
>God's
>ultimate enemy was in his presence.
> So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?
> The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
> "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
> "Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
> "Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
> "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
> Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all
>eternity?" persisted Satan.
> "Yep," was the calm reply.
> "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
> "Nope," said the old man.
> More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
>afraid
>of me?"
> The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years

[The March Hare]

How often should I plan to have sex?" the young bridegroom asked his grandfather on his wedding night.
Grandpa said, "When you're first married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day. Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so. Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year -- maybe on your anniversary."

"Well, how about you and grandma now?" the younger man asked.

Grandpa replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What"s oral sex?"

"Well," said Grandpa, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, "f**k YOU," and I holler back, "f**k YOU, TOO

[The March Hare]

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning . . . uphill BOTH ways . .
. through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs . . . to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full- time, after-school job at the local textile mill . . . where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a d**n Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the d**n library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter . . . with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the d**n record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

And talk of about hardships? You couldn't just download xxx! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent - you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!
And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire. Imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!!!!!

[The March Hare]

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."

[The March Hare]

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."

[The March Hare]

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again...
"I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop

[The March Hare]

A young lass went into Victoria's Secret and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this, you're too close!" embroidered on her panties and bra.
"Yes madam," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. What kind of lettering would you like it done in?"

"Braille," she replied

[The March Hare]

Snow Parking

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time

[The March Hare]

These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $
39.
95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?" hahahaha...what a bone head!

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" hmmm...I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen...do you?

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." (No...that's your brain miss-firing.)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months." (I know...how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)

"I need a color photograph of George Washington." (Ok...hold on...I'll check with the caveman...)

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

[The March Hare]

Doctors
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes to see the doctor and says that he is worried that he might be gay.The doctor tells him that there is nothing to worry about as lots of people are gay and asks him what makes him think that he is. The man says that he inherited it from his father. The doctor replies that this is impossible but the man insists that this is the case. In fact, he said, both my brothers are gay, as is my grandfather and my 3 uncles. Goodness me said the doctor. Is there anyone in your family who goes oiut with women? Yes said the guy. My sister!

[The March Hare]

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me!" The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, and then she pushed on her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed on her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed on her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken

[The March Hare]

A blonde walks into a bar wearing a very tight pair of jeans, the man at the bar said: "How do you get into those?"
The blonde says "Well you can start with a gin and tonic

[The March Hare]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO..." answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"