Re: Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

Haircuts - The Difference Between Men and Women

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh Gosh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms -see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.


Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Women's Bumper Stickers

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
Send this to 10 Bright Women to make their day!!!!!

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your p*nis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch"
The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.
.
"So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in
helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?".

"I have" says the bloke.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?".

"She has" says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The bloke looks up and says "We're having a new kitchen".

[The March Hare]

Haircuts - The Difference Between Men and Women

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh Gosh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms -see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.


Men's version:

Man2: Haircut

[The March Hare]

Women's Bumper Stickers

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
Send this to 10 Bright Women to make their day!!!!!

[The March Hare]

Three Little Pigs
This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her Class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the man would have said: "Well, f*ck me! A talking pig!!

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes!!!!!!!!

[The March Hare]

Men are like.....Floor tile.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a
Lifetime.

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1957 Date



It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes toPick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy withHis own car. When he goes to the frontDoor, the girl's father answers and invitesHim in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don'tYou have a seat?," he says."That's cool" says Bobby.Carrie's father asks Bobby what they'rePlanning to do.Bobby replies politely that they willProbably just go to the soda shop or aMovie.Carrie's father responds "why don't you twoGo out and screw? I hear all the kids areDoing it."Naturally, this comes as a quite a surpriseTo Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad toRepeat it."Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie reallyLikes to screw; she'll screw all night if weLet her!"Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up,And his plan for the evening was beginningTo look pretty good.A few minutes later, Carrie comesDownstairs in her little poodle skirt andAnnounces that she's ready to go.Almost breathless with anticipation, BobbyEscorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes backInto the house, slams the door behindHer, and screams at her father:"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[The March Hare]

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me!
My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill
Or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?
I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going
Utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so
Far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than
ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... Okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has
Dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to
Bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket
And drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment,
Hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry.
The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes...
He drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they
Enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they
Finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a
Strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of
Voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a
Man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too

[The March Hare]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and
A redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes
To study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The
Word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
Microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they
Thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and
Recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three sleepers in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

[The March Hare]

Men are like...



Men are like.....Floor tile.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a
Lifetime.

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are

[The March Hare]

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to
Pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with
His own car. When he goes to the front
Door, the girl's father answers and invites
Him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't
You have a seat?," he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're
Planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will
Probably just go to the soda shop or a
Movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two
Go out and screw? I hear all the kids are
Doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise
To Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to
Repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really
Likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we
Let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up,
And his plan for the evening was beginning
To look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes
Downstairs in her little poodle skirt and
Announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby
Escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back
Into the house, slams the door behind
Her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[The March Hare]

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The
Doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," is his
Reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says
To the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly,
Then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How
Did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from
Tuesday."

[The March Hare]

Hangover Ratings
1 star hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.

However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.



2 star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.



3 star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.



4 star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.



5 star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe . Very gently.



6 star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.

Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed

[The March Hare]

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The
Doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," is his
Reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says
To the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly,
Then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How
Did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from
Tuesday."

[The March Hare]

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man wholed
With gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire
World, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him
In a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness
In serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in
Heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free
Access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet
With any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment."
"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries
Which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages.
Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations
Between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually
Said, with-out the dimming of memories over time."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained
How to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled
Down to review the history of man's relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.
Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found
The Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over,
"There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"

[The March Hare]

Pround Blonde Student



A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she
Yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only
Count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9,
10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
Could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
Other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her
Tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

[The March Hare]

Hailstones



A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail
Storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving
It full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she
Should do.

The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost
At least $4000 to repair. She said that was too much and wasn't there
Some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun
And said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they
Might pop back out" She decided to give it a try before spending that
Much money.

She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the
Exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. "What are
You doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may
Have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of
My car" explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.

"Why not"? Asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first"

[The March Hare]

Mean Things To Say To People



Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse
Advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen
At birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to
Like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10
Seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an
Idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to
Get my head that far up I disagree.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used
It.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the
Credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture
Would eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against
Thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found
Nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that
High.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have
Anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep
Trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want
A brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it
Would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a
d**n.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely
Journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity

[The March Hare]

Mean Things To Say To People



Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse
Advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen
At birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to
Like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10
Seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an
Idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to
Get my head that far up I disagree.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used
It.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the
Credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture
Would eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against
Thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found
Nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that
High.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have
Anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep
Trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want
A brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it
Would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a
d**n.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely
Journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.