Re: Clean Jokes Continued...

[jj]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
shopping with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11 My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION "Just wait until your
father gets home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING "You are going to get it
when we get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck
that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when it's cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me"

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me about WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

[The March Hare]

My mum used to say most of those things to me.

[The March Hare]

All goods ones there JJ

[The March Hare]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too

[The March Hare]

BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.

BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

[The March Hare]

Haircuts - The Difference Between Men and Women

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh Gosh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms -see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.


Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

[jj]

davis said:

My mum used to say most of those things to me.

My Mum did too Bob he he

[marmaris98]

me too, and i find myself saying some too

[The March Hare]

Change Hair Style!

A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts the photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a photo to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture of himself in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says. "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style. It makes your nose look too short."

[The March Hare]

A Single Women's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.

Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
That would truly take the cake;

No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.

If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.

The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.

No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.

[The March Hare]

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

[jj]

THE PERFECT MAN IS GENTLE
NEVER CRUEL OR MEAN
HE HAS A BEAUTIFUL SMILE
AND KEEPS HIS FACE SO CLEAN.
THE PERFECT MAN LIKES CHILDREN
AND WILL RAISE THEM BY YOUR SIDE
HE WILL BE A GOOD FATHER
AS WELL AS A GOOD HUSBAND TO HIS BRIDE.
THE PERFECT MAN LOVES COOKING
CLEANING AND VACUUMING TOO
HE'LL DO ANYTHING IN HIS POWER
TO CONVEY HIS FEELINGS OF LOVE ON TO YOU
THE PERFECT MAN IS SWEET
WRITING POETRY FROM YOUR NAME
HE'S A BEST FRIEND TO YOUR MOTHER
AND KISSES AWAY YOUR PAIN.
HE NEVER HAS MADE YOU CRY
OR BATTERED YOU IN ANY WAY
TO HELL WITH THIS ENDLESS POEM....

THE PERFECT MAN IS GAY.

[jj]

Women speak in Oestrogen and men listen in Testosterone



RELATIONSHIPS: First of all, a man does not call it a relationship -
he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a
semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem
titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A
man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want
you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as
the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men
have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely
prove effective.

SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40
seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of
the foreplay.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old
females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still
trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male
body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked
men elicit laughter from women.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.
They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and
they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley
face at the end of the note.

COMEDY: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room,
watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait
it out.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes
out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only
items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes
grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a
man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop
him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool
suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in
a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on
her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because
her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes
all day.

GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is
ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means
she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings,
finishes putting on her makeup...

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and
best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and
dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match
on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says,
"Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over,
and actually FEELS the
pain.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the
plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the
mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear
every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that
were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When
he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside
out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the
laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of
"Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the
ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat
socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the
ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on
the back.

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for
lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and
Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they
will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack
will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None
of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the
pocket calculators.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
shiny surface: mirrors, sthingys, store windows, bald men's heads.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a
variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological
changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the
individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys
aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and
goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They
use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman
can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in
unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for
directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will
never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for
hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new
way to get there" and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I
recognize that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a
dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that
slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the
age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their
obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become
more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys:
little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders.
Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve thingytails on command.
Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6
"D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on
vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or
six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why
this happens.

CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out
$4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take
photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course,
women always end up taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know
football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate
stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room
-sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic
and technical, and they never lie.

GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their
lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license
plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless
lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the
movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away
with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will
look like a lounge singer named Vic.

SPORT ARENAS: Simply put, men can always find their way around
stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the
football games's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is
counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g.,
"Wow, great movie," "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an
Uzi that size," "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those
Mafia guys," etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate
conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by
the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good
restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

FRIENDS: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a
boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are
"Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women
use restrooms as social lounges. Men in restrooms will never speak a
word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
"Hey, Tots, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join
me?"

[The March Hare]

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seen on condom machine in England:
Manufactured to strict British standards.


Underneath, someone had scratched,
"So was the Titanic

[The March Hare]

The law

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Law of mechanics After your hands become covered in grease your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the workshop Any tool when dropped will roll to the least accessible corner

Law of probability The probability of being watched is directionaly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the telephone When you dial a wrong number you never geta busy signal.

Law of the alibi If you tell your boss you were late cos you had a flat tire. The next day you will get a flat tire.

Variation law If you change lanes or lines the one you were in will begin to move faster

Bath theorem When the body is full immersed the phone will ring

Law of result When you try to prove to someone that a machine wont work, it will.

Law of biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

Theatre rule at any event the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Browns law If the shoe fits its ugly.

Wilsons law As soon as you find a product you really like, they will stop making it.

[The March Hare]

Subject: Ice Cream


An icecream salesman driving his icecream truck was at the end of his
day when a little old lady stopped him for an icecream.

"What flavour?" he asked.

"Chocolate" she said.

"Lady it's the end of the day and all I have is vanilla and strawberry.

What would you like?"

"Chocolate" she replied.

This went on for several minutes when the icecream man getting impatient

said"

Lady can you spell?"

"Yes, I used to be an English teacher" she said.

"Good" he said "Spell 'van' as in vanilla"

"V A N " she spelled.

"Very good" "Now spell 'straw" as in strawberry"

"S T R A W " she spelled.

'Excellent, now spell 'f**k' as in chocolate."

There's no f**k in chocolate" said the old lady.

"That's what I have been trying to tell you" said the icecream man.

[The March Hare]

2006 world cup squads

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following squads have just been announced:-

Brazil

Pinnochio, Libero, Vimto, Memento, Borneo. Tango, Cheerio, Subbuteo, Scenario, Fellatio, Portfolio.
Subs Placebo, Porno, Polio, Banjo, Stereo (L), Stereo (R).

Yugoslavia

Itch, Annoyingitch, Hardtoreachitch, Scratchanitch, Hic, Sic, Spic, Pric, Digaditch, Fallinaditch, Horseraditch.

Subs. Mowanpitch, Letsgetrich, Shagapregnant dog.

Russia

Whodyanicabolacov, Ticlycov, Chestycov, Nastycov, Slalomsky, Downhillsky, Pisky, ****ov, Taykitov, Swedishshev, Mastershev.

Subs. Rubitov, Gechakitov, Sodov, Pastryshev, Najinsky.

Romania

Chatanoogaciouciou, Atishiou, Blessiou, Thankyiou, Busqueue, Snookerciou, Pennyciou,Twopennyciou, Fourpennyciou, Illgetciou, Uandwhosearmi.

Subs. U, nonu, Manu

Italy

Baloni, potbelli, beerbelli, Giveitsumwelli, Wotsontelli, yourasismelli, Onetoomani, Legslikejelli, Howsbenni, Wobblijelli, Spendapenni,

Subs. Cantthinkofenni, Buggami, Biggami.

Mexico

Sanfrancisco, Costa Brava, Hopelez, Juan andonly, Manuel geerbox, Don criformi Argentina, Skrewdigalz, Loius Canon Sombrero, Chihuahua, Jose

Subs. Jeseus Maria Donkey, Burrito, Speedy Gonzalez, Tequila, Caramba

Holland

Kenning Van Hire, Van Demansland, Vander Valk, Van Guard, Ad Van Tagus, Hert Van Rental, Transit Van Doors, Van Coova, Van Sprokendown, Van Iller, Van Ishincreme.

Sub Van Morrison

[The March Hare]

Must Af A Laff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tixs!"

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. She shot herself in the left kneecap.

Patient : "Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my DXXX into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?"
Doctor : "Yes ... you're F XX ing crackers."

A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde reading a book called 'Sex Statistics'.
"Any good?" he asks. "Fascinating * American Indians have the widest pricks, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I'm Jane."
"Hi," he says. "I'm Tonto Palawlaski."

What's got 4 legs and an arm?
A happy Rottweiler !!

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris."
He said, "Eurostar?"
I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot." I said, "I'll take that as a condiment".
Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?"
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets?

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?".
I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter

[The March Hare]

Under The Table

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Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."