Clean Jokes Continued...

[Emma]

Please start from here

[The March Hare]

!

Hello-copper

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny.

May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

[The March Hare]

Weather forcasting









It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation

asked their new Chief if the coming winter was
going to be cold or mild

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been
taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell

what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be

on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter
was indeed going to be cold and that the members
of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he
got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the
National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again
"Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
"it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be
very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied.
"It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[The March Hare]

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, his shirt open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn\'t have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don\'t start anything."

[The March Hare]

Grandma

Little Johnny greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

Little Johnny replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the d**n walls if you came to visit us again."

[The March Hare]

Playing Doctor

Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.

Shocked and furious to see her daughter's friend eating her out, she said "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home!"

Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"

[The March Hare]

Maybe Next Time

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again.

The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

[The March Hare]

Prognosis Not Good

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

1. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."
2. "At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
3. "For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores."
4. "Satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.

She replied "You're going to die."

[The March Hare]

Quit clowning around

The car was pulled over by a highway patrol woman for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I\'m a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.
Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I\'ve got to give up drinking! Look at the test they\'re giving now

[The March Hare]

Modern Church

Said the elder priest, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews.
It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock \'n roll gospel choir." So," asked the young priest, "what\'s the problem?"
Well," said the elder priest, "I\'m afraid you\'ve gone too far with the drive through confessional and the flashing neon sign which reads "Toot \'n Tell or Go to Hell

[The March Hare]

You Were There

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I consider all that, I think you bring me bad luck!"

[The March Hare]

Scotch On The Rocks

Six year-old Little Johnny walked into a saloon and said to the barmaid, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks."

"You're just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do you want to get me in trouble?"

"Maybe in a couple of years," replied Little Johnny. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."

[The March Hare]

Michael Jackson

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

[juicyjude]

Loved that last joke Bob ;D

[The March Hare]

Breakfast

An angry wife met her elderly husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there's a very good reason for you're waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied, "breakfast."

[The March Hare]

Share this with a friend!

God's Creation

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

[The March Hare]

Proposition

Old man Smith was seated comfortably in his living room one evening when a rock crashed through the window and landed at his feet, amidst a shower of splintered glass. To the rock was attached a note: "Unless you pay us $10,000 according to instructions, we will kidnap your wife."

After some thought, Smith sat down at his desk and penned a reply:

"Gentlemen, your rock of this date has been received. I don't have $10,000 at this time. However, keep in touch, as your proposition interests me. J. Smith."

[The March Hare]

An elderly couple were sitting together watching television.

During one of the commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them last year."

[Emma]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I
told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just
as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a
quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible
conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said "oh nuts," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then farted."

[Emma]

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a
limousine to the airport.

Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a
while.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back
of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95,
and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90
mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of

the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his
window.

The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to
call in.

" The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that
he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should

handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.

"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief.

"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, but he's got the Pope as his
chauffeur