Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

13 Canaries

Three young women are at a thingytail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thingy."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."

The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me too. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Skoda."

The third one says, "Well, I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

[The March Hare]

Two Men Walking On The Sidewalk

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their
right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly,
points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

[The March Hare]

!

Hidden Money

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men
on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he
decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home --
arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house,
dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He
noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was
owned by a deaf-mute.

On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a
friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken
the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to
kill him!" he screamed at the professor.

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in
sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to
tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

[The March Hare]

!

Got The Time?

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy
suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his wrist. "It's a
quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" ...and he
shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world,
but for the 86 largest metropoli.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The
time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons
and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues, "I've put in
regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality
and the voice is simply astounding."

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake.
He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of
New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location
by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says,
"and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says
the inventor.

"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a
very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar
device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal
paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my
favorites in there so far," says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready!"

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not..."

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" as the stranger pulls out his checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and
development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for
merchandising in six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of
him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take
it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around
warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle
through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."

[The March Hare]

Quick People Jokes

Problems
--------

I tried to drown my problems but they can swim!

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen!

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to
go to the bathroom!

Q: Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
A: He's fully recovered.

1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself
by taking a thousand aspirin.
2nd man: Oh really, what happened?
1st man: After the first two, I felt better.


People
------

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Some people hate waking up and getting out of bed. I enjoy it. I do it
three or four times a day.

One bald guy to another: I'll tell you a joke that will knock the hair off
your head..... Whoops! I see you already heard it.

Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.

Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: Why don't mummies take vacations?
A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Q: What did one eye say to the other?
A: There's something between us that smells.

Q: Do you mind if I smoke?
A: I don't care if you burst into flames and die.

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.


I dialed "O" and when a sweet voice answered, I said, "Hello, operator, I'd
like to speak to the king of the jungle."

She answered immediately, "I'm very sorry, but the lion is busy."

[The March Hare]

Ignoramuses

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to discover this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

[The March Hare]

!

Mental Institution

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.

"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

[The March Hare]

Formality

A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realize that this is only a formality, but would you mind if I married your daughter?"

"Who says it's only a formality?" asked the father rather angrily.

"Her obstetrician!" replied the young man.

[The March Hare]

Webster's Dictionary

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But, as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would ask, "And what's that supposed to mean?"

And so, Webster's Dictionary was born.

[The March Hare]

The Hypocrites

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seat!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service

[The March Hare]

The Undertaker

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

[The March Hare]

A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.

"Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"

"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"

"Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your your Father?"

"No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"

The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?"

"I'd like to live with Watford Football Club" the boy replied quickly.

"Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.

"Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone"

[The March Hare]

A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

[The March Hare]

BUILDER AND THE PRIEST HIT THE GOLF COURSE

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternooon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout 'nuts, missed'.

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that" he told his friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologised and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "nuts, missed." and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "nuts, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "nuts, missed!"

[The March Hare]

For Better or Worse

Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"

[The March Hare]

To: bob davis


!

Going to Bed

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put sthingys and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."

"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In the bedroom, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.

[The March Hare]

!

Zero Dollars

In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston, Massachusetts received a
bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He
ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following
month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were
going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He
called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him
they'd take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the
troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account
it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first
store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found
that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who
apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take
care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day
the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the
company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay
his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game
and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account
and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card
company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing
a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the
$0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank
could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day
because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company
claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and
unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to
recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her
birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

[The March Hare]

A Spectacular Job

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

[The March Hare]

A Radio Interview With A Youth Club Leader

This is a true story excerpted from a local radio interview:

The female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on
this adventure holiday?"

Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to
be teaching children?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how; we will be teaching them proper range
discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one,
are you?"

[The March Hare]

THE RABBIT


A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.



The driver,a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.



A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the[ side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)




(Are you sure?)




(This is bad!)




(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)



(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)





(You can still delete it)



(You know you're gonna be sorry)





(Last chance)



(OK, here it is)



It says,



"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."