Clean Jokes Continued...

[Bulent]

A man is walking to McDonalds, when he sees a friend drive by in a car. The friend honks his horn and the man waves back. Then, the car turns around and honks at the man again. The man waves once again. Then the car come around yet again and honks. This time the man decides to ignore the person. So, as he continues to walk to McDonalds, he sees another friend driving by. The driver honks, and the man waves back. Then the car turns around. "No, not again," the man says. But sure enough, the driver honked at him. The man just ignored him. Then yet another car repeats the same things, making the man become rather curious. It seemed as if they were trying to tell him something. But what?
Finally he arrives at McDonalds. He orders his food and sits at a table by himself. Then, the three friends who were driving in the cars arrive in McDonalds. They order their food, then sit with him. They talk politely, leaving out the entire incident with the cars. Finally, the man cannot stand it any longer. He asks them why they kept turning the cars around, and can you guess what they said? Umm... I forgot. But it was a real hoot, let me tell ya! I couldn't stop laughing!! Sorry! ;D

[The March Hare]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little
Old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They
Are only $50.00.

"The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an

Overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water
First."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy
A tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
Find a

Lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban man staggered away over the hill. Several hours
Later he staggered back.

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

[The March Hare]

Bush, dangerously stupid!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." —at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002

"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." —Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' —Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

"We both use Colgate toothpaste." —after a reporter asked what he had in common with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Camp David, Md., Feb. 23, 2001

"Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a — you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004 (Watch video)

"I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003

"I'm the commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." —as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War

"I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." —Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself." —Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003

"I saw a poll that said the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than here in America. It's pretty darn strong. I mean, the people see a better future." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 23, 2004

"Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties." —discussing the Iraq war with Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson, as quoted by Robertson

"I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004 (Watch video)

"Haven't we already given money to rich people? Why are we going to do it again?" —to economic advisers discussing a second round of tax cuts, as quoted by former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neil, Washington, D.C., Nov. 26, 2002

"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption." —Trenton, N.J., Sept. 23, 2002

"After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week — we will have an all-volunteer army!" —Daytona Beach, Fla., Oct. 16, 2004 (Watch video)

"Do you have blacks, too?" —to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001

"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." —as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002

"I got to know Ken Lay when he was head of the — what they call the Governor's Business Council in Texas. He was a supporter of Ann Richards in my run in 1994. And she had named him the head of the Governor's Business Council. And I decided to leave him in place, just for the sake of continuity. And that's when I first got to know Ken and worked with Ken." —attempting to distance himself from his biggest political patron, Enron Chairman Ken Lay, whom he nicknamed "Kenny Boy," Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2002

"It is white." —after being asked by a child in Britain what the White House was like, July 19, 2001

"I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." —at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." —Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001

"I don't know why you're talking about Sweden. They're the neutral one. They don't have an army." —during a Dec. 2002 Oval Office meeting with Rep. Tom Lantos, as reported by the New York Times

"You forgot Poland." —to Sen. John Kerry during the first presidential debate, after Kerry failed to mention Poland's contributions to the Iraq war coalition, Miami, Fla., Sept. 30, 2004

"I'm the master of low expectations." —aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

"I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things." —aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe — I believe what I believe is right." —Rome, Italy, July 22, 2001

"We need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates." —Washington, D.C. Oct. 4, 2001

"People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002

"I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it…I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet….I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't — you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." —President George W. Bush, after being asked to name the biggest mistake he had made, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2004

"The really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway." —explaining why high taxes on the rich are a failed strategy, Annandale, Va., Aug. 9, 2004

"My plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we're going to run out of debt to retire." —radio address, Feb. 24, 2001

"You know, when I was one time campaigning in Chicago, a reporter said, 'Would you ever have a deficit?' I said, 'I can't imagine it, but there would be one if we had a war, or a national emergency, or a recession.' Never did I dream we'd get the trifecta." —Houston, Texas, June 14, 2002 (There is no evidence Bush ever made any such statement, despite recounting the trifecta line repeatedly in 2002. A search by the Washington Post revealed that the three caveats were brought up before the 2000 campaign — by Al Gore.)

"See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." —Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003

"The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa." —State of the Union Address, Jan. 28, 2003, making a claim that administration officials knew at the time to be false

"In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard." —repeating the phrases "hard work," "working hard," "hard choices," and other "hard"-based verbiage 22 times in his first debate with Sen. John Kerry

"The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001

"I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." —Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

"But all in all, it's been a fabulous year for Laura and me." —summing up his first year in office, three months after the 9/11 attacks, Washington, D.C., Dec. 20, 2001

"I try to go for longer runs, but it's tough around here at the White House on the outdoor track. It's sad that I can't run longer. It's one of the saddest things about the presidency." —interview with "Runners World," Aug. 2002

"Can we win? I don't think you can win it." —after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable, "Today" show interview, Aug. 30, 2004

"I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." —Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002

"I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job." —to a group of Amish he met with privately, July 9, 2004

"Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." —speaking underneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, May 1, 2003

“We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories … And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them." —Washington, D.C., May 30, 2003

"Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!" —President George W. Bush, joking about his administration's failure to find WMDs in Iraq as he narrated a comic slideshow during the Radio & TV Correspondents' Association dinner

, Washington, D.C., March 24, 2004

"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." —Washington, D.C., Dec. 19, 2000

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 (Watch video)

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 (Watch video)

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 (Watch video)

"My answer is bring them on." —on Iraqi insurgents attacking U.S. forces, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003

"I'm a uniter not a divider. That means when it comes time to sew up your chest cavity, we use stitches as opposed to opening it up." Bush, on David Letterman (who had just had open heart surgery), March 2, 2000. (the audience booed)

"There ought to be limits to freedom. We're aware of this [web] site, and this guy is just a garbage man, that's all he is." George Jr., discussing a web site that parodies him

"It's not the governor's role to decide who goes to heaven. I believe that God decides who goes to heaven, not George W. Bush." George W. Bush, in the Houston Chronicle.

"It's your money. You paid for it." George W Bush, LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." George W Bush, during a debate in St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods." George W Bush, Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."George W Bush, Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." George W Bush, Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." George W Bush in an interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001

[The March Hare]

Subject: Joke


>A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
>
>redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since
He
>sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
>
>
>
>Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
>
>socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the

>air, and hands it back.
>
>
>
>Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
>
>place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
>
>
>
>They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to
>
>the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
>deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
>
>
>
>After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come
>
>to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
>
>
>
>They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
>
>
>
>The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
>
>The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
>
>"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice
>
>to every guy you meet? "
>
>
>
>"No, " she replies. . . . . "You just happened to catch my eye."
>
>
>
>boom boom
>

[The March Hare]

Subject: FW: Jars and Jesus




>
>
>>An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as>
>part of his physical exam.>
>
>The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
>bring>back a semen sample tomorrow.">
>
>The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
>and>gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous
Day.>
>
>The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc,
>it's like >this>- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
>
>Then I tried with my>left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my
>wife for help. She tried>with her right hand, then with her left, still
>nothing.
>
>She tried with>her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
>teeth out, still>nothing.
>
>We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,>first
>with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin'
It>between
>her knees, but still nothing.">
>
>The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?">The old man
>replied,
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>"Yep. None of us could get the jar open".
>>
>>
>>
>>An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
>comes
>>upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
>>
>
>He proceeds to walk into the water, and subsequently bumps into the
>preacher.
>>
>The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
>alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, ''Are you ready to find Jesus?''
>>
>
>The drunk answers, ''Yes, I am.''
>>
>So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
>out and asks the drunk, ''Brother, have you found Jesus?''
>>
>
>The drunk replies, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.''
>>
>
>The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again
>for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and
Asks
>again, ''Have you found Jesus, my brother?''
>>
>
>The drunk again splutters, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.''
>>
>
>By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
>the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and,
>when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up.
>>
>
>The preacher again asks the drunk, ''For the love of God, have you
>found Jesus?''
>>
>
>The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
>preacher.....................
>>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Subject: FW: Jars and Jesus




>
>
>>An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as>
>part of his physical exam.>
>
>The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
>bring>back a semen sample tomorrow.">
>
>The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
>and>gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous
Day.>
>
>The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc,
>it's like >this>- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
>
>Then I tried with my>left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my
>wife for help. She tried>with her right hand, then with her left, still
>nothing.
>
>She tried with>her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
>teeth out, still>nothing.
>
>We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,>first
>with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin'
It>between
>her knees, but still nothing.">
>
>The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?">The old man
>replied,
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>"Yep. None of us could get the jar open".
>>
>>
>>
>>An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
>comes
>>upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
>>
>
>He proceeds to walk into the water, and subsequently bumps into the
>preacher.
>>
>The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
>alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, ''Are you ready to find Jesus?''
>>
>
>The drunk answers, ''Yes, I am.''
>>
>So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
>out and asks the drunk, ''Brother, have you found Jesus?''
>>
>
>The drunk replies, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.''
>>
>
>The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again
>for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and
Asks
>again, ''Have you found Jesus, my brother?''
>>
>
>The drunk again splutters, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.''
>>
>
>By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
>the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and,
>when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up.
>>
>
>The preacher again asks the drunk, ''For the love of God, have you
>found Jesus?''
>>
>
>The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
>preacher.....................
>>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
>

[The March Hare]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

[The March Hare]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

[The March Hare]

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

[The March Hare]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

[The March Hare]

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

[The March Hare]

Paul joke

Subject: Fw: One Liners from This Years' Edinburgh Festival



-----



One Liners from This Years' Edinburgh Festival



I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... Well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't Mess with the Devil


George Bush has a heart attack and dies.


He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.


"I'm not sure what to do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.


I've got 3 people here in separate rooms who weren't quite as bad as
You.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves, all right?"


George thinks that sounds pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil
Opens the door into the first room.


In it is John Howard floundering around in a large pool of water. He
Keeps sinking and resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for
Air. Such was his fate in Hell.


"No!" George cries. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
Don't think I could do that all day long, forever."


The Devil leads him to the next room.


In it is Tony Blair with a sledgehammer. The room is full of large
Rocks. All Blair does is swing that sledgehammer, time after time after time, over and over, smashing rocks and more rocks immediately appear to replace the ones he smashes.


"No!" exclaims George. I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if I had to smash up rocks all day, forever!"

The Devil opens the third door.

In it, George sees Bill Clinton pegged out naked on the floor with
His arms staked over his head and his legs spread eagled out. Bent over Clinton is Monica Lewinsky, busily doing what Monica does best.

George Bush looks at this in disbelief for a while and finally says,
"Yeah, okay, I can handle this."

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grandma Doesn't Know Everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a
Few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him
The truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside
To talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it's not called sexual intercourse! It's
Called Bunk Beds!" and Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you"!!

[The March Hare]

Mean Things To Say To People



Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse
Advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen
At birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to
Like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10
Seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an
Idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to
Get my head that far up I disagree.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used
It.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the
Credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture
Would eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against
Thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found
Nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that
High.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have
Anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep
Trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want
A brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it
Would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a
d**n.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely
Journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

[The March Hare]

A.A.A.D.D.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to move the Coke so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm and decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning..

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but won't remember it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some mop to wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

* The car isn't washed,

* The bills aren't paid,

* There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

* The flowers don't have enough water,

* There is still only 1 cheque in my checkbook,

* I can't find the remote,

* I can't find my glasses,

* And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[The March Hare]

Closed

[The March Hare]

What did you get that from?

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"
The Pirate responded " We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."
Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"
The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."
The bartender then asked " Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"
The pirate said " In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."
The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"
The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."

[The March Hare]

The Colonoscopy


All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
Was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's
Systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen
All over so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and
Give all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body
Wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see
Where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
Waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
Huff, he shut down tight.




Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
Bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was
Toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually in charge!