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Post by The March Hare on Jan 4, 2006 8:51:49 GMT 1
Driving Drunk
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
’Aye, so I have. ’Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ’Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..’ And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, ’Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.’
Indignantly, the man said, ’Why? Don’t ye believe me?!?’
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 4, 2006 8:53:34 GMT 1
!
True Stories
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where
Vermont was.
As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or
anything, but what state is it in?"
-----
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into
the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to
make a sandwich.
-----
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all
she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it
again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to
read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could
open it and read it."
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 4, 2006 8:54:36 GMT 1
Athiest Proposal
A young lady came home very sad from a date. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 4, 2006 8:56:00 GMT 1
Tattle Tale Wife
A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over. "Do you realize you were doing 80 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.
"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver.
The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."
The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn't have your seat belt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car."
That is not true, sir; I always wear my seat belt," replies the driver.
"No, you don't, I'm always telling you to put your seat belt on," says the driver's wife.
"Stupid woman," the driver explodes, "can't you, just for once, keep that big, fat trap of yours shut?"
The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"
"Oh, no, officer," she says, "only when he's drunk."
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 5, 2006 9:04:33 GMT 1
!
A Gaggle of Ghostly Gags
Q: How can you tell if a ghost is flat?
A: Use a spirit level!
Q: Why are ghosts such poor magicians?
A: You can see right through their tricks!
Q: Where does vampires keep their savings?
A: In the blood bank!
Q: What's a ghost's favourite airline?
A: British Scareways!
Q: What kind of ghosts do they have in hospital?
A: Surgical Spirits!
Q: Who speaks on behalf of the Ghosts Union?
A: Their Spooksperson!
Q: What's a ghost's favourite food?
A: I-Scream!
Q: Did you hear about the love sick vampire?
A: He became a Neck-romancer!
Q: Where do ghosts go on holiday?
A: The Isle of Fright!
Q: What do you call a ghost who haunts the town hall?
A: A night
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 5, 2006 9:06:28 GMT 1
:;
Subject: Letters
Why is it that Channel 4's Big Brother are allowed to install loads of
cameras in a house and watch the residents' every move. But when I put
one tiny camera in my neighbour's bathroon I get bound over for 12
months. There's no justice.
Simon Eldritch
I was at the U2 gig at Twickenham Stadium last week. Seeing Bono's
speech it was clear he is concerned about poverty and fair trade.
Perhaps, then, he can explain why I paid seventy quid to get in, and
six quid for a f*cking cheese pasty and a bottle of pop?
Reg Reggington
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny,
but the poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
Yesterday in my local TKMAXX, I went into the household bit and saw a
non-stick frying pan with a price sticker on it. Who the f*ck are they
trying to kid?
Graham Wilson
I was watching those insurance adverts on the telly where Michael
Winner plays the parts of both himself and his wife. It suddenly
struck me that, after years of wishing he would, he could now actually
go and f*ck himself.
Mike Oxlong
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J
I've just bought Paula Radcliffe's new autobiography. I read two
thirds but I couldn't be arsed to finish it.
Matt Spracklen, Wales
Bob Geldof, Midge Ure and Bono should all delve into their trillions
and 'feed the world' their bloody selves instead of asking us poor
f*ckers on the dole to feed it. I get £52 a week and can't even feed
myself after I've bought my Special Brews, snout and porn.
Keith, Caversham
'An apple a day keeps the doctor away' according to the old maxim.
Well, I'm married to a GP and no matter how many apples I eat the
bastard keeps coming home.
M Bunford
Ronseal 5 Year Woodstain does exactly what it says on the tin, does
it? Funny that. I've looked all over the label and nowhere does it say
'Makes your front door look like an African elephant has wiped its
arse on it.'
Steve Edwards, Welshpool
How come St. George got beatified for killing the rarest creature ever
with a massive sword, while I get absolutely f*cked by the RSPCA for
slaying common frogs with a penknife? As usual, it's one law for
knights in armour and another for the rest of us.
Mike Bayes, Preston
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 5, 2006 9:07:53 GMT 1
a strange coincidence
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 5, 2006 9:11:16 GMT 1
Share this with a friend!
Even More All Creatures Great and Small
Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.
Q: What's a flea's favorite way to travel?
A: Itch-hiking.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!
Q: What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.
Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
A: Because Frost bites.
Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A: It was a moth-ball.
Q: What game do cows play at parties?
A: Mooosical Chairs.
Q: What do you call a multistorey pig pen?
A: A sty scraper.
Q: What do you give a horse with a cold?
A: Cough stirrup!
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 6, 2006 8:57:08 GMT 1
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday??
A: Tell them a joke on Wednesday!!
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 6, 2006 8:58:26 GMT 1
Q:What did the ghost eat at his birthday party?
A:I scream
Boom Boom
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 6, 2006 8:59:31 GMT 1
Indian Weatherman
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don’t know," he said. "Radio is broken
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 6, 2006 9:00:19 GMT 1
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 6, 2006 9:01:19 GMT 1
The world's greatest idiots
Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 6, 2006 9:02:27 GMT 1
Comedy Zone
Share this with a friend!
Silly little plays on words
Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws
A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"
Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!
First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.
Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes
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Post by marmaris98 on Jan 6, 2006 16:42:51 GMT 1
i heard a relly stupid joke today.
why did the sand cry..........
coz the sea weed
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Post by marmaris98 on Jan 6, 2006 16:43:26 GMT 1
what do you call a fly with no wings......
a walk
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 7, 2006 8:39:31 GMT 1
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 7, 2006 8:41:59 GMT 1
to Science Exam Questions
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 7, 2006 8:44:35 GMT 1
Smart Driver...
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.
One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 7, 2006 8:46:05 GMT 1
George Bush - Any questions
During a propaganda tour through the US George Bush stopped off at a school to lecture the kids on the administrations policies. After he had finished he asked the kids for questions.
Young Bob jumped up first, "Mr President, I have three questions.
1. How did you manage to win the vote for the presidency when you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any reason?
3. Don't you think that dropping the A-Bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest ever terror attack in history?"
Just at that moment the school bell rang for the break and the kids all walked out.
When they got back from the break George Bush once again asked the kids for questions.
This time young Joey jumped saying, "Mr President, I have 5 questions.
1. How did you manage to win the vote for the presidency when you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any reason?
3. Don't you think that dropping the A-Bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest ever terror attack in history?"
4. Why did the school bell for the break go 20 minutes earlier than usual?
5. Where's Bob
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