Clean Jokes Continued...

[Emma]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are
here, and you could have." explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man
again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The mnager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the mnager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[Emma]

The Good, Bad and Ugly


Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: You wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: You're daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

[Emma]

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and
plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom
says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running
back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than
daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they
are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running
back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest
lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and
dumber he got!"

[Emma]

When you think you have a bad day, remember this one from a
young mother:

"I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the
bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a
mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few
shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included
one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I
stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition
to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror--wearing
nothing but a camera!"

[Emma]

Three guys died; when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because
you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you
something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long
were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to
drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter
and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at
another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the
Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk,
so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"

[Emma]

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were
either physically abusive, who ran away from her, or who were
horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking
for a man who:

1)would treat her nicely
2)wouldn't run away from her,
3)would be good in bed.

Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she
just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to
these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she
heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front
porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or
legs. The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper.
As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have
no legs so I can't run away from you."

The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in bed?"

And the man said with a smirk on his face, "How do you think I
rang the doorbell?"

[Emma]

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said,
"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married
to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and
her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk
with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been
married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she
has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to
fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half
sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually
started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very
proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in
June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and
broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm
awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with
the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get
married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells
me the girl is my half sister."

"Heheh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any
attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

[The March Hare]

Congratulations on your new location

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

The florist read the card, "Congratulations on your new location."

[The March Hare]

Internal Revenue Service

An elderly businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what do you want me to do with your ashes?" asked the friend.

The businessman continued, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service... and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything

[The March Hare]

Florida friend!

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire... we're flying through a heavy fog, and our visibility is zero."

The passengers were all numb with fear, except the retired minister on board. "Keep calm everyone," he said. "Let's bow our heads and pray."

With the exception of one man, the group bowed their heads and began to pray.

"Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked the lone man.

"I don't know how to pray," he replied.

"Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister.

So the man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering

[The March Hare]

What's For Dinner?

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.

Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf bastard

[The March Hare]

Re: Clean Jokes Continued...
« Reply #19 on Today at 11:26am »

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a
limousine to the airport.

Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a
while.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back
of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95,
and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90
mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of

the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his
window.

The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to
call in.

" The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that
he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should

handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.

"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief.

"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, but he's got the Pope as his
chauffeur

[The March Hare]

!

My Name Is...

Abbie- I'm a Mother Superior.
Art- I'm a museum curator.
Avery- I raise birds.

Barry- I'm an undertaker.
Bart- I drive a bus.
Bea- I'm in the honey business.
Belle- I play the carillon.
Bet- I'm a coupier.
Bill- I run a collection agency.
Brigham- I'm a chauffeur.
Brooks- I'm an irrigation consultant.
Bud- I'm in flowers.

Candy- I'm a confectioner.
Carol- I sing during the holidays.
Cary- I'm a porter.
Chevy and Mercedes- We are car dealers.
Chuck- I'm a butcher.
Clarence- I specialize in end-of-season inventory closeout sales.
Cliff- I'm a mountaineer.
Curt and Rod- We are in the drapery business.

Dean- I'm a college chancellor.
thingy- I'm a plain-clothes policeman.

Faith- I'm a minister.
Frank- I'm a the Hot-Dog vendor.

Gail- I'm a meteorologist.
Gene- I'm a DNA researcher.
Gil- I'm a fisherman.
Grant- I'm a loan officer.

Ham- I raise pigs.
Harry- I'm a barber.
Herald- I'm a messenger.
Herb- I'm a cook.
Holly- I'm a holiday decorator.
Hugh- I'm a painter.

Iris- I'm an optometrist.

Jack- I'm a banker.
Jim- I train boxers.
John- I'm a plumber.

Leo- A lion trainer.
Les- I'm a dietician.
Lute- I'm a musician.

Manuel- I write instruction books.
Marshall- I'm a peace officer.
Mary- I'm a justice of the peace.
Mike- I'm an announcer.

Nat and Bea- We are entomologists.

Otto- I'm a car mechanic.

Phillip- I'm a service station attendant.

Ray- I'm a roentgenologist.
Rich- I'm a successful investment banker.
Rob- I'm a thief.
Rose- I'm a gardener.
Ruby and Pearl- We're jewelers.

Shelly- I'm an expert on mollusks.
Sherry- I'm a wine-master.
Stu- I'm also cook.
Sue- I'm also a lawyer.

Teddy- I'm in lingerie.
Tellie- I'm a gossip columnist.
Tom- I breed cats.
Toni- I'm a hair dresser.

Victor- I'm a winner in everything I do.

Wade- I'm in swimming pool maintenance.
Will- I'm a lawyer.
Woody- A forester.

[The March Hare]

Two Cannibals Eating Missionaries

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just
can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em,
I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade.
I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the
bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist
and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder... those are friars!"

[The March Hare]

!

The Rules For Being Human

You will receive a body.
You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for as long as you live.
How you take care of it or fail to take care of it can make an enormous
difference in the quality of your life.

You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called life.
Each day, you will be presented with opportunities to learn what you need to
know.

There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of trial, error and experimentation.
You can learn as much from failure as you can from success.
Maybe more.

Learning lessons does not end.
There is no stage of life that does not contain some lessons.
As long as you live there will be something more to learn.

Others are merely mirrors of you.
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects
something you love or hate about yourself.

What you make of your life is up to you.
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you create with those
tools and resources is up to you.
Remember that through desire, goal setting and unflagging effort you can
have anything you want.
Persistance is the key to success.

The answers lie inside you.
The solutions to all of life's problems lie within your grasp.
All you need to do is to ask, look, listen, and trust.

You will forget all this.
Unless you consistently stay focused on the goals you have set for yourself,
everything you've just read won't mean a thing.

[The March Hare]

Blind Man Shopping

This blind guy walked into a Macy's with his seeing-eye dog and headed
straight for the men's department. Surrounded by pajamas and neckties, he
proceeded to come to a stop, pick up his German Shepherd by the hind legs,
and swing the dog around and around in a circle.

A startled clerk ran over to him, saying loudly, "Sir... may I help you with
anything?"

"No thanks," said the blind man, "just looking."

[The March Hare]

Squirrels

How does a squirrel make friends?

Climbs up a tree and acts like a nut

[The March Hare]

Gorilla up a tree

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the service guy.
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's t e s t i c les off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.

[The March Hare]

Baby Polar Bear

Baby polar bear asks its dad, 'am i a black bear?'
'no' says dad.
'am i a grizzly bear?',
'no, you're a polar bear. go ask your mother, son.'
baby polar bear asks its mum, 'am i a brown bear, or a sun bear?'
'no', says mum.
'am i a black bear or a koala bear?'
'no, you're a polar bear. why do you ask, son?'
'because i am so cold...!'

[The March Hare]

m: bob davis
Date: 12/29/05 22:46:18


3 wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story:
Women are clever pregnant doges. Don't mess with them.