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Post by The March Hare on Dec 20, 2005 8:53:25 GMT 1
Government Workers
Two workmen were approached by a passer by who asked what they were doing...
"Well, we work for the government," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You\'re not accomplishing anything. Aren\'t you wasting the taxpayers\' money?"
"You don\'t understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there\'s three of us: me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike, here, puts the dirt back."
"Now, just because Rodney\'s sick, that don\'t mean that Mike and me can\'t work
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 20, 2005 8:54:31 GMT 1
The Fiance
Ayoung woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.
The father invited the fiancee to his study for a talk. "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.
"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 20, 2005 8:57:14 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off.
His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and
He owes thousands of pounds to the bank.
Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes,
ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder
"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you
three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you
will grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank
you,
Father Christmas promises him that:
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her
sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return,
she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with
your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%.
Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in
credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man.
"What is it that I can do for you?"
Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little,
Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.
"36" replies the man.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?"
chuckled the fat gay b*stard in fancy dress
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 20, 2005 8:58:23 GMT 1
!
Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"
He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy... "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 20, 2005 8:59:57 GMT 1
Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"
He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy... "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 20, 2005 9:01:45 GMT 1
!
Husbands' Quotes
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrup ther.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your will power."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 20, 2005 20:54:06 GMT 1
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 21, 2005 8:39:25 GMT 1
The Stop Sign and the Cop
A guy blows a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.
Cop says, "License and registration please."
Guy says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn\'t come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Guy says,"I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says,"You still didn\'t come to a complete stop, license and registration, please."
Guy says, "What\'s the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I\'ll give you my license and registration."
Cop says, "Exit your vehicle sir."
At this point, the cop takes out his Billy club and starts beating the daylights out of the guy and says, "Do you want me to slow down or stop?"
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 21, 2005 8:40:04 GMT 1
Easiest people to operate on?
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second. "When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded."
"You\'re all wrong," said, the fourth. "Lawyers are easiest. They\'re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and asses are interchangeable."
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 21, 2005 8:41:38 GMT 1
!
Going Clubbing
A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, his shirt open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn\'t have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don\'t start anything."
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Post by Emma on Dec 21, 2005 19:00:01 GMT 1
As this topic has reached 29 pages I have started a 'continued' section to make it easier to navigate  |
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