Clean Jokes

[The March Hare]

!

The Swearing Parrot

One day an elderly pastor confides in his parishioners that he's feeling a bit lonely and depressed. So one of the parishioners suggests to the pastor that he buy a pet. Thinking this a grand idea, the pastor hurries into town and after much deliberation, buys a parrot.

Unfortunately not five minutes after arriving home, the parrot starts hurling a string of expletives at the pastor.

After about an hour it gets to be too much, so the pastor walks up to the parrot, slaps him on the beak, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the parrot madder and he starts swearing at the pastor in even more colorful language.

Finally the pastor has had it and says, "All right, that's it. Grabbing a blanket, the pastor throws it over the parrot's cage and screams, "Now, SHUT UP!" Well, this really irritates the parrot and he starts clawing and scratching at the bars of his cage. Finally the pastor removes the blanket. Immediately the parrot starts right in on the pastor again.

By this time, the pastor is so infuriated that he grabs the parrot by the throat and throws him into the freezer. Well, the parrot starts swearing and thrashing about so loudly that the pastor is considering killing the bird. Just as he's thinking this, it gets very...very quiet.

At first the pastor just stares at the refrigerator, but then he starts to think that the parrot might be seriously injured. He becomes so worried that he runs over to the refrigerator and throws open the freezer door.

The parrot climbs out of the freezer, flaps the ice off his wings, and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I've caused you father. In the future, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary."

The pastor is astounded. He can't believe the sudden transformation that has come over the parrot. Finally the parrot turns to the pastor and says, "Um....by the way, what did the chicken

[The March Hare]

Cab To The Airport

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay," and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver

[The March Hare]

Mercedes Benz Driving Test

1. Before changing lanes you should:
(A) signal.
(B) check.
(C) both a & b.
(D) just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.

2. The top light on a traffic signal is:
(A) red.
(B) yellow.
(C) green.
(D) Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway.

3. The speed limit in a residential area is:
(A) 35 MPH.
(B) 25 MPH.
(C) 45 MPH.
(D) I paid $65,000 for this car, I'll drive as fast as I want.

4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
(A) slow to a walking pace.
(B) go around the block.
(C) stop.
(D) speed up and honk your horn.

5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you
should:
(A) maintain your speed.
(B) slow a little.
(C) slow a lot.
(D) speed up and don't bother honking your horn.

6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
(A) never.
(B) when there is a left turn arrow.
(C) on Sunday at 2 A.M.
(D) When ever you well feel like it.

7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
(A) must stop.
(B) may pass on the left after checking.
(C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.
(D) use your car phone to order chinese food while passing on the left.

8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:
(A) pull to the right and stop.
(B) pull into the nearest car wash.
(C) roll down your windows.
(D) turn up the radio and ignore it.

9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
(A) never.
(B) when the doors are closed.
(C) if there are no police around.
(D) when you have missed your turn.

10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should:
(A) relax.
(B) watch the signal.
(C) stop a safe distance back from the car in front.
(D) call your wife/secretary on your car phone so everyone can see that
you have a car phone.

11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal:
(A) two blocks before turning.
(B) two car lengths before turning.
(C) two miles before turning.
(D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I'll sue him.

12. A U-turn in a business district is legal:
(A) only at an intersection.
(B) always.
(C) never.
(D) if I pass a sale at the jewelers.

13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
(A) never.
(B) on Sunday.
(C) if there is a fire hydrant.
(D) when I'll only be there for five minutes.

14. What is your annual gross income:
(A) $10,000-20,000.
(B) $20,000-40,000.
(C) $40,000-80,000.
(D) $80,000 and up.


Scoring
If you answered 'd' on every question, you have a perfect score. You are
certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile. You may, at your discretion,
proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select the
Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.

If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a
retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle
guide in preparation for your retest.

If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we're sorry, you
just don't have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver.
Perhaps you should consider a BMW.

[The March Hare]

The Amazing Pet

A man went into a pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy a pet. But, he didn't want your ordinary, garden variety pet! No, he wanted a pet that could do everything!

The shop owner suggested a faithful dog.

The man replied, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner said, "How about a cat?"

The man replied, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thought for a minute, then said, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man said, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." So he got the centipede home and said to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

[The March Hare]

The Christian Horse

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

[The March Hare]

Poisonous

Two snakes were slithering through a field. One snake turned to the other and asked, " Do you suppose we are poisonous snakes?"

" I don't know", replied the other, "Why?"

"Well", said the first, "I just bit my lip"

[The March Hare]

The Hamster and the Frog

A mangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal." The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?"

The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risqué."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.

The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.

Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!

A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.

The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"

"No", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist

[The March Hare]

Subject: Chav Nativity


There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe,innit?
He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'
Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me
yeah?
I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz
is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'
that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I
reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are
gonna get.'
Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go
dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop,
yeah?
To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit?
So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv
animals.
Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on
their heads.
They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the
East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv thi Frankenstein an'
myrrh?
Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'
It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got
another message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You
better nash off to Egypt.'
Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egyp on a
minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-bornan' it's
safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water
into Stella.

APPY CRIMBO

[The March Hare]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm
sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that
it came in?" asks the pharmacist.. "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and
get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at
it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the
container.........TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM

[Emma]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the thingypit crew to show up so
they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane,
and begin walking up to the thingypit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane,
bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the
aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.

Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be
some sort of practical joke.

However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and
the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness,
whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the
stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and
closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more
and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left,
there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts
off and is airborne.

Up in the thingypit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and
turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the they're
going to scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!"

[Emma]

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of
witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

[Emma]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde
jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days
later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly
creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many
sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason
said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,
totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to
my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally
picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of
the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K.,
now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair
color, can I have my dog back?

[Emma]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[Emma]

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from
Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before
the mountains justbecame too much and he could go no farther. He
stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single
person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and
offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the
highway and tied it to his bumper.

He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he
was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he
would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.
Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone,
the Corvette pulling the biketook off after the other. A short
distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120
mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the
speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that
he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then
relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, there is a
guy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass....

[Emma]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must
be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog
jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a
perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to
be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample
spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and
said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the
part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be
bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

[Emma]

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an
activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him
an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood
up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick
it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way
my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and
said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

[Emma]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me
terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband
drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told
him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning
the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize
that I locked the house with both my house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little
too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three
blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to
the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I opened the store and started waiting on these people, and all
the time the d**n phone was ringing off the hook." He continued,
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone
was still ringing. When I stood up I cracked my head on the open
cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with
bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and
broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know
how to use a rectal thermometer...and believe me mister, as God
is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[Emma]

Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?

[Emma]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[Emma]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is
lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an
Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close
by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had
me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But
the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is
furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on
my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he
hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to
hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust
him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
leopard, and he's still not back!!"