Clean Jokes

[Bulent]

Clean Jokes

How To Prepare Chicken...

A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?”

“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”


For those of you with dogs!!!


Photographing a new puppy isn't as easy as it may first sound...

Remove film from box and load camera.

Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

Choose a suitable background for photo.

Mount camera on tripod and focus.

Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

Put magazines back on coffee table.

Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

Call spouse to clean up mess.

Fix a drink.

Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

Trying to loose weight???


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's the activities guide to burning calories at work and the number of calories they consume per hour...

Beating around the bush... 75
Jumping to conclusions... 100
Climbing the walls... 150
Swallowing your pride... 50
Passing the buck... 25
Throwing your weight around... 50-300
Dragging your heels... 100
Pushing your luck... 250
Making mountains out of molehills... 500
Hitting the nail on the head... 50
Wading through paperwork... 300
Bending over backwards... 75
Jumping on the bandwagon... 200
Balancing the books... 25
Running around in circles... 350
Eating crow... 225
Tooting your own horn... 25
Climbing the ladder of success... 750
Pulling out the stops... 75
Adding fuel to the fire... 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end... 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms... 50
Putting your foot in your mouth... 300
Starting the ball rolling... 90
Going over the edge... 25
Picking up the pieces after... 350
Counting eggs before they hatch... 6
Calling it quits... 2

;D Bulent

[Emma]

Can we only post clean jokes?

[Emma]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger. Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He then takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." (heaving a big sigh) ".....let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".


No offence intended to blondes, I'm one myself ;D

[Emma]

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will
probably take it.

If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Emma]

A large company hired several cannibals. After a month their boss said "We're very happy with your work, but one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads and after the boss left their leader said
"Which of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose to which the leader of the cannibals shouted "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything."

"You had to go and eat someone that people like!"

[sarah]

Hi Emma,

Jokes are great, especially the blonde one, I'm blonde to and no offence taken. ;D

We shall look into having an adult jokes section, we would have to make it password accessible, just in case we have some youngsters using the forum in the future.

Sarah

[Michael Crane]

I too am blonde . . . and I was deeply offended

[Michael Crane]

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.

The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead beautiful blonde... the works!

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"

"...What's a license..." replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.

After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;

"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"

[Bulent]

ha ha ha, that's funny. ;D

[Emma]

Brilliant ;D
Will find some more for you, I get loads sent.

[Emma]

THE REAL 3 BEARS STORY
> ----------------------
> Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the table.
> She looks into her little bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
> porridge?!!" she squeaks.
>
> Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
> He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
> porridge?!!" he roars.
>
> Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
> yells... "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through
> this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy
> Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the
> coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night,
> and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold
> early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the
> d**n table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the
> litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish, and now that you've
> decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's
> kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only gonna
> say this one more time...
>
> "I HAVEN'T MADE THE CHUFFING PORRIDGE YET ! ! !"

[Emma]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[Emma]

14 things a man can do at Asda while his wife is taking Her time

01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys
when they aren't looking.

02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minutes intervals.

03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.

04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.

05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.

06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.


08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why
can't you people just leave me alone?"

09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick
your nose.

10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.


11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme
from Mission Impossible.

12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say:
"PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and
assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"


And last but not least:

14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly:
"There's no toilet paper in here."

[Emma]

funny things to do in a lift

1 Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2 Shake the person's hand when he/she enter the lift
3 Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you
4 Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
5 Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
6 Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
7 Sell Girl Scout cookies.
8 On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
9 Shave.
10 Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
11 Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
12 Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13 When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
14 Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
15 Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
16 One word: Flatulence!
17 On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
18 Do Tai Chi exercises.
19 Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
20 When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
21 Give religious tracts to each passenger.
22 Meow occasionally.
23 Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
24 Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
25 Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
26 Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
27 Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
28 Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
29 Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
30 Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
31 Leave a box between the doors.
32 Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
33 Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
34 Start a sing-along.
35 When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
36 Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37 Lean against the button panel.
38 Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39 Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40 Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41 Bring a chair along.
42 Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43 Blow spit bubbles.
44 Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45 Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46 Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47 Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48 Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49 Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50 If anyone brushes against you, recoil and shout "Bad touch!"

[Emma]

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

[Emma]

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

[Emma]

A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said, "I would like a cheeseburger."

The librarian replied,"Shh! This is a library!" The blonde blushed. "oh, sorry.." then she whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger."

[Emma]

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[Emma]

A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves.

Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves.

A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing.

Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door.

Before reaching the door, the bartender yells - "Hey Pig...aren't you going to pee on the floor like the others?"

To which the pig replies - "No you idiot! Everyone knows that the last little piggy goes WEE WEE WEE - all the way home

[Emma]

Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.

Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.

The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.

So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar."
The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!"