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Post by The March Hare on Dec 11, 2005 19:50:54 GMT 1
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.
He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl, while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming.
She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm - Taken from a Florida Newspaper.
STILL HAVING A BAD DAY?
Just remember, it could be worse.....
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
2. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
3. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And finally...
4. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb he opened it and was blown to bits.
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 11, 2005 19:52:18 GMT 1
Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your
own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 11, 2005 19:55:31 GMT 1
Lost Pen
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 12, 2005 8:50:12 GMT 1
»
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 12, 2005 8:55:36 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an
activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him
an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood
up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick
it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way
my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and
said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 12, 2005 8:59:01 GMT 1
Subject: Strange but true 11
spooky!
) New York City has 11 letters
>
>2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.
>
>3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin
Towers in
>1993) has 11 letters.
>
>4) George W Bush has 11 letters.
>
>This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:
>
>1) New York is the 11th state.
>
>2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number
11.
>
>3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
>
>4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers. 6
+ 5
>= 11
>
>5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1 +
1 =
>11
>
>6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911.
9 +
>1 + 1 = 11.
>
>Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:
>
>1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254.
2 +
>5 + 4 = 11.
>
>2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year. Again 2 + 5 + 4
=
>11.
>
>3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.
>
>4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers
incident.
>
>Now this is where things get totally eerie:
>
>The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is
the
>Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy
book:
>
>"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle.
The
>wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo,
>while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for
the
>wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."
>
>That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.
>
>Still uncovinced about all of this..?! Try this and see how you feel
>afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:
>
>Open Microsoft Word and do the following:
>
>1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first
plane
>to hit one of the Twin Towers.
>
>2. Highlight the Q33 NY.
>
>3. Change the font size to 48.
>
>4. Change the actual font to WINGDINGS
>
>What do you think now..?!
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 12, 2005 9:00:20 GMT 1
Not Quite What He Wanted
A hunter raised his rifle and took careful aim at a large bear. When about to pull the trigger, the bear spoke in a soft soothing voice, "Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's negotiate the matter."
Lowering his rifle, the hunter replied, "I want a fur coat."
"Good," said the bear, "that is a negotiable item. I only want a full stomach, so let us sit down and negotiate a compromise."
They sat down to negotiate and after a time the bear walked away, alone. The negotiations had been successful.
The bear had a full stomach, and the hunter had his fur coat!
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 12, 2005 21:33:19 GMT 1
!
Help Wanted
A sign was hung in an office window. It read:
Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.
A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.
The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."
The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."
The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 12, 2005 21:37:21 GMT 1
Not Quite What He Wanted
A hunter raised his rifle and took careful aim at a large bear. When about to pull the trigger, the bear spoke in a soft soothing voice, "Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's negotiate the matter."
Lowering his rifle, the hunter replied, "I want a fur coat."
"Good," said the bear, "that is a negotiable item. I only want a full stomach, so let us sit down and negotiate a compromise."
They sat down to negotiate and after a time the bear walked away, alone. The negotiations had been successful.
The bear had a full stomach, and the hunter had his fur coat!
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 12, 2005 21:38:14 GMT 1
Eccentric Professor
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 12, 2005 21:51:07 GMT 1
What Gender Is Your Computer?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns,unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or femine.One puzzled student asked,'What gender is computer'?' The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough,by gender and asked them to decide whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to every one else.
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrireview.
As soon as you make a commitment to one,you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The womens group, however concluded that computers should be masculine, because:
In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems,but half of the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 13, 2005 8:48:07 GMT 1
From: bob davis
Date: 12/12/05 13:23:54
To: bob davis
Computer Jokes: Cybersex.
AOL:
America Online, this is Sue speaking.
Caller:
Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.
AOL:
Okay, ma'am,what's your question?
Caller:
Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called "cybersex"... does this cost extra?
AOL:
:::quiet laugh in the background::: Well ma'am... I don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.
Caller:
Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
AOL:
Well it's something members typically do when they go to a chat room.
Caller:
Hmmmm...I don't understand, what is cybersex??
AOL:
I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.
Caller:
Hmmm..well, have you ever had cybersex?
AOL:
Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to beasking me.Is there anything else you need?
Caller:
Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.
AOL:
That's okay ma'am, anything else?
Caller:
Yes, I have one more question.
AOL:
Go ahead...
Caller:
What are you wearing?
AOL:
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 13, 2005 8:49:51 GMT 1
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde
jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days
later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly
creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many
sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason
said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,
totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to
my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally
picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of
the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K.,
now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair
color, can I have my dog back
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 13, 2005 8:51:01 GMT 1
!
The Value Of Time
To realize the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed his exam.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly.
To realize the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage laborer.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.
To realize the value of ONE MICRO-SECOND
Ask a NASA scientist.
To realize the value of ONE NANO-SECOND
Ask a Hardware Engineer.
And if you still don't realize the value of time you must be
a Software Engineer
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 13, 2005 8:54:56 GMT 1
Subject: FW: Welsh Films
Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas-etc has become firmly established in
Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step
up production. They are going to remake many well known films, but this
time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release next
year...
* 9½ Leeks
* Trefforest Gump
* Cwmando
* The Lost Boyos
* An American Werewolf in Powys
* Huw Dares Gwyneth
* The Wizard of Oswestry
* Cool Hand Look-you
* Sheepless in Seattle
* The Eagle has Llandudno
* The Magnificent Severn
* Haverfordwest Was Won
* Austin Powys
* The Magic Rhonddabout
* Dai Hard
* The King and Dai
* Independence Dai
* The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time Forgot
* Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
* Welsh Connection
* Welsh Connection II
* The Bridge on the River Wye
* Lawrence of Llangybie
* A Beautiful Mind-you
* The Welsh Patient
* Breakfast at Taffynys
* Look You Back in Bangor
* Evans Can Wait
* A Fishguard Called Rhondda
* Where Eagles Aberdare
* Dial M For Merthyr
Please contact the Welsh Assembly for actual dates of release and for
literal translations where needed
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 13, 2005 8:57:08 GMT 1
Computer Short Jokes: Page 3.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
Microsoft recently had a hacker attack of its own. Sources say some code of their upcoming projects was viewed. The thing that bothers Bill Gates the most about it is that he's afraid the hackers will fix the bugs and release a version of Windows that actually works.
Gujju secretary found complaining about her new boss: "Everytime My boss comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format. I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARDDISK, so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE. Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE. Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER,ENTER,ENTER the whole day till he gets MICROSOFT."
A man left chicago for a vacation, his wife was on business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address. Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she read the message, screamed and passed out cold. The woman's daughter rushed into the room and found this note on the computer screen.
"My darling wife: just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to being with you again. Your loving husband. P.S. Sure its hot down here."
I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password. Now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "thingy".
I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
Boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to boy "Can't you see the warning written on the cigar packet, smoking is injurious to health" The boy replies back. "I am a software engineer. we don't worry about warnings we only worry about errors"
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 13, 2005 8:58:28 GMT 1
Computer Jokes: If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer.
If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend". Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back".
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".
If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "de
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 13, 2005 8:59:50 GMT 1
h ! Computer Jokes: Computer Poem. As I boot up my PC, My modem dialing next to me, I ask the Lord, give me a sign.... Will I ever get on-line?  ? If you'd kindly let me through, I'll byte no more than I can chew. I'll surf the waves amid the Net, With my mouse, my loyal pet. And through each window I will see The websites that are offered me. Resisting any chat room's lure, I'll download only what is pure. If system errors don't prevail, I vow to read all my e-mail. If you save me from a crash, I'll dump my games into the trash. Just please don't take my CD-ROM! Thank you Lord, God Bless.com
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 13, 2005 22:05:37 GMT 1
!
the professor bites back
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 13, 2005 22:08:43 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SENIOR SMILES!
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. ---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker
---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference
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