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Post by The March Hare on Dec 14, 2005 8:23:31 GMT 1
In a primary school classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle underneath Mary's chair.
"Oh Mary!" says the teacher, "you should have put your hand up."
"I did," Mary replied. "But it still trickled through my fingers."
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 14, 2005 8:24:49 GMT 1
A Dollar per Point
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 14, 2005 8:26:00 GMT 1
life in the old dog yet?
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 14, 2005 8:27:14 GMT 1
your next little spelling test
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enroled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 15, 2005 8:42:14 GMT 1
Idiots please stand up!
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don’t," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 15, 2005 8:42:43 GMT 1
The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 15, 2005 8:45:18 GMT 1
bob davis
Date: 12/15/05 07:33:25
To: bob davis
Subject: h
Following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details. These are
genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by
Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I
believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I an provide you
with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps?
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived
at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met
that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do
manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
replaced?
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the
British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney;
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If
I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 15, 2005 8:47:01 GMT 1
the professor bites back
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 15, 2005 8:48:43 GMT 1
!
Not Making the Grade
The board of directors of a college with a shady reputation fired the dean in hopes of correcting the many problems they had by putting someone new in that position. One of the first things on the new dean’s agenda was to respond to certain allegations about the sports teams.
His investigation resulted in a new policy of suspending any basketball player who wasn’t maintaining a passing average. Suspensions began.
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean’s office, followed by one of his star players.
"You can’t keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won’t win this weekend without him!"
"I don’t care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I’ll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me, how much is six times seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 15, 2005 8:50:06 GMT 1
The world's corniest Police Jokes
A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.
The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 16, 2005 1:50:08 GMT 1
Dangers Of Bread
Bread Alert
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be
health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of
baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components
of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced
global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the
government going to go after Big Bread?
Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make
anyone think twice...
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates
were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such
as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that
as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The
average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of
cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items
such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than
90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body
being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots
and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills
we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to
children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
Remember: Think idiotically, act globally.
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 16, 2005 1:54:27 GMT 1
A college student picked up his date at her parent's home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetisers, lobster, champagne . . .the works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid."
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 16, 2005 1:55:33 GMT 1
nly get away with saying at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 16, 2005 1:57:31 GMT 1
Men Grazing By The Road Side
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two
men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you
are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is
about two meters tall
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 16, 2005 1:58:08 GMT 1
Men Grazing By The Road Side
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two
men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you
are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is
about two meters tall!"
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 16, 2005 1:59:27 GMT 1
from college to kindergarten
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look. "Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand"
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Post by marmaris98 on Dec 16, 2005 11:59:02 GMT 1
nly get away with saying at Christmas 1. I prefer breasts to legs 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5. I've never seen a better spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you put it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning 20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more! 21. I do like a good stuffing. Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year that nearly doesn't qualify for a clean joke |
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 16, 2005 15:44:05 GMT 1
[co quote author=marmaris98 board=sdas32132 thread=1128413096 post=1134730742] 1. I prefer breasts to legs 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5. I've never seen a better spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you put it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning 20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more! 21. I do like a good stuffing. Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year that nearly doesn't qualify for a clean joke[/quote]
Only just but who cares |
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 16, 2005 18:56:32 GMT 1
Not Making the Grade
The board of directors of a college with a shady reputation fired the dean in hopes of correcting the many problems they had by putting someone new in that position. One of the first things on the new dean’s agenda was to respond to certain allegations about the sports teams.
His investigation resulted in a new policy of suspending any basketball player who wasn’t maintaining a passing average. Suspensions began.
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean’s office, followed by one of his star players.
"You can’t keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won’t win this weekend without him!"
"I don’t care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I’ll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me, how much is six times seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one
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Post by The March Hare on Dec 16, 2005 18:58:33 GMT 1
Breakfast Cereals
Last night, while grocery shopping, I found a rather unusual item on the
shelves. After filling my basket with Stouffer's Yuppie Chow, I strolled
down the cereal aisle, where I saw several boxes of a substance labeled
"Nintendo Cereal System." I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all,
cartoon characters have been "endorsing" cereals for years, so why shouldn't
Super Mario Brothers get into the act?
I see tremendous potential here. What better way for an organization with a
sociopolitical agenda to infiltrate the minds and stomachs of Americans than
to deliver its message at the breakfast table? I have seen the future of
public relations, and it is the gastronomic equivalent of a "sound bite."
I, for one, would rather sit down to a bowl of whale-shaped granola than
receive another one of those envelopes from Greenpeace marked "Animal Rights
Survey InsidePlease Complete and Return Within Ten Days."
Not surprisingly, I have a few ideas:
Golden Graham-Rudmans The key to a balanced diet. Need I say more?
Special KKK Even white supremacists need their minimum daily
requirement of riboflavin. Try it with some grits.
Sugar Frosted Fetuses The pro-choice cereal. Stays crunchy in milk (or
saline solution). Anti-abortionists will have to
make do with a box of Life.
Mothers Against Send in three proof-of-purchase seals and
Drunk Driving Oats receive a free breathalyzer.
Rifle Krispies Specially marked boxes contain armor-piercing
bullets. Cereal doesn't kill people. People kill
people.
Rocky Tobacco Road Brought to you by the tobacco industry, this is
the only cereal that simultaneously satisfies your
cravings for chocolate and nicotine, so light up
a bowl for breakfast. Also available in menthol.
Khokhomeini Puffs Some third world marketeer could capitalize on this
idea in the aftermath of the demise of everyone's
favorite mullah. Woe be to the infidels who fail
to start their day with a bowl of little chocolate
ayatollahs! Free "Death to America" decal inside!
In case you're wondering, I picked up a box of Product 19. As far
as I can tell, it's the only cereal named after a
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