Clean Jokes

[The March Hare]

Right i hope i dont upset other Catholics here with this one Well i'm one myself

Bus load of Nuns die in a crash and go to heaven..St Peter asks at the gate...to the first Nun.....Have you ever had contact with a thingy? She says...i i touched one with my finger...St Peter says ..Dip it in holy water.

He then asks next Nun, and her reply is ...
I fondled one.....
St Peter says ....
Put your hand in the Holy Water,

Suddenly they all heard a commotion and a Nun had pushed her way to to the front of the queue.....St Peter asks



Whats the matter Sister?


The Nun what made the commotion replied.....
"Well if i am going to have to gargle the holy water St Peter

i want to do it before St Anne sticks her arse in it

[The March Hare]

Subject: FW: SEAN CONNERY/CILLA



Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with
yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went
off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla
looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour,
awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says,
"Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can
have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......
I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No
problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely
mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and
Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer
willie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with
a scouser , she stole ma wallet

[The March Hare]

fascinating

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."
Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."
So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit's are so big she could only fasten eight!

[The March Hare]

a quick spelling test

The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and asked who could spell it.
George raised his hand and he spelled out, "d-i-k-t-a-t-e."
The teacher said, "sorry that's wrong" Then she asked Stephen.
Stephen slowly spelled out, "d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e."
"Sorry" says the teacher, "that's not right either."
Next, she asked Fiona After a slight pause Fiona began spelling, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e."
"Very good Fiona," applauded the teacher, "that's correct. Now," the teacher continued, "who can use this word in a sentence?"
Stephen raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, "I know-Iknow,"
"OK" replied the teacher, "please use the word Stephen."
Stephen responded, "How did my dictate last night, Fiona

[The March Hare]

davis
Date: 12/15/05 19:17:25
To: bob davis
Subject: paul



It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off.
His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and He owes
thousands of pounds to the bank.
Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready tojump,
Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder "Are you OK?" asks Father
Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you
three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will
grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you,
Father Christmas promises him that:
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her
sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return,
she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with
your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%.
Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in
credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man.
"What is it that I can do for you?"
Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little,
Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.
"36" replies the man.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't
you!?"
chuckled the fat gay b*stard in fancy dress

[The March Hare]

Pinoy at Coffee Shop

Pinoy goes to order breakfast at a coffee shop in Manhattan...

Waiter: "What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?"
Pinoy: "No... Big cup! Big cup!"

Waiter: "What would you like for your breakfast?"
Pinoy: "Hameneggs."

Waiter: "And how do you like your eggs, sir?"
Pinoy: "Yes, tenkyu, I like dem beri much."
Waiter: "No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?"
Pinoy: "Yes, tenkyu, I wud like dem cooked."
Waiter (with increasing impatience): "Would you like your eggs... fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?"
Pinoy (with increasing uneasiness): "Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled."

Waiter: "And what bread would you like?"
Pinoy: "Begyurpardon?"
Waiter: "What kind of bread would you like... white? rye? whole wheat? toast?"
Pinoy: "Pan Amercano..."
Waiter: "We don't have that..."
Pinoy: "Okey. Gib me Taystee..."
Waiter: "We don't have that either, sir..."
Pinoy: "Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?"

Waiter: "Sir, you are wasting my time... I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?"
Pinoy: "Donut plis..."

[The March Hare]

Pickles Are Evil

Pickles will kill you! Every pickle you eat brings you closer to death. It
is amazing that the modern thinking man has failed to grasp the significance
of the term "in a pickle." Although leading horticulturists have long known
that Cucumis Sativus possesses indecent pep, the pickle industry continues
to expand. Pickles are associated with all of the major tragedies of the
body. Eating them breeds wars and Communism. They can also be related to
most airline tragedies. Auto accidents are caused by pickles. There exists
a positive relationship between crime waves and consumption of this fruit of
the cucumber family.

For example:

1. Nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously
cumulative.

2. 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.

3. 100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.

4. 96.8% of all Red sympathizers have eaten pickles.

5. 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles
within fourteen days preceding the accident.

6. 93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes where pickles are served
frequently.

Evidence points to the long term effects of pickle eating:

Of the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been 100%
mortality.

All pickle eaters born between 1869 and 1879 have wrinkled skin, have most
of their teeth, have brittle bones and failing eyesight - if the eating of
pickles have not already caused their death.

Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical specialists.
Rats force-fed with 20 pounds of pickles per day for thirty days developed
bulging abdomens. Their appetites for wholesome food were destroyed.

The only way to avoid the deleterious effects of pickle eating is to change
our eating habits. Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has had a
problems from eating orchid petal soup.

[The March Hare]

Quick Food And Drink Jokes

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter

Two things you should never see being made: laws and sausage.

If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

You may think you like your food "hot", but when the waiter announces the
cook is from Delhi, order it "medium."

If you mix Slim Fast and Jim Beam, would you call it Slim Jim?
If Slim Fast made a chocolate sampler, would it be called Slim Whitman's?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting
clothing. If I *had* any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up
in the first place!

Q: How do you fix a broken tomato?
A: With tomato paste.

Q: What do baseball players eat on?
A: Home plates!

Q: What can be served but never eaten?
A: A tennis ball.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: When are cooks cruel?
A: When they beat the eggs and whip the cream.

Q: What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop?
A: Getting the scoop!

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

[The March Hare]

Fat Free French Fries

I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign
which offered Fat Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try. I was
dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were
dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my
order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes... The fat is free!"

[jj]

Hope this makes you smile...
EVER WONDER where we are headed...
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start"
to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a
"new & improved" flavour?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?

AND...



In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping".

(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought?...)


On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because???)



On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".

(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

[jj]

A Vacuum Cleaner

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a d**ned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

[jj]

A pregnant Blonde
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, (You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

[The March Hare]

!

Husband Speak 2

"Will you marry me?" Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"I do help around the house." Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you." Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means....
"This time we won't use the drive-thru window."

[The March Hare]

!

Penny for Your Thoughts

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

[The March Hare]

New Found Respect

There were these three guys talking. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow puffs out his chest and says, "Well, I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me crawling on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed! Their eyes are wide and they have a newfound respect for this guy. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third fellow sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!'"

[The March Hare]

Husband Faulths

Wives have many faults. Husbands have only 2: everything they say and everything they do.

Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"

Wife: "No problem. I'll get you some that is."

You really have to feel sorry for husbands.

They were given a brain and reproductive machinery but only enough blood to run one at a time.

[The March Hare]

Special Day

I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life

[The March Hare]

Perfume Purchase

A fter being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

[The March Hare]

Getting a Day Off

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

[The March Hare]

A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of the River, the brunette shouts "How do I get on the otherside of the river" the Blonde shouts back "You are on the otherside!"