Re: Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

After giving a man his annual physical, the doctor said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," the man replied, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

The doctor warned, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor of it 15 to 2."

[The March Hare]

Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise:
jumping to conclusions,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
and pushing their luck!

[The March Hare]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"Okay. Let's hear it," responded the artist.

"Well, the good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy said he was your doctor."

[The March Hare]

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short

[The March Hare]

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their nineties when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first.
Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night.

Having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part.

Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk sateen nightie he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.

Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her silk sateen nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button; gravity having taken it's course over some ninety years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says "Chester I have acute angina".

Chester says, "I sure hope so. Your tits look like hell."

[The March Hare]

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.

She said,"I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right."

And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.

Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"

And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

[The March Hare]

married man left for work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife.
After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"

"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

A.. HUSBAND WANTED
B.. MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's)
C.. MUST NOT BEAT ME
D.. MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
E.. AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
F.. ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He
Had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"

[The March Hare]

Maybe Next Time

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again.

The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

[The March Hare]

Subject: FW: Employee & Boss relationship!!!




A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop.

He shoos him away. but later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth.

He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please?

The dog has money in its mouth, as well."

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten pound note there.

So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. so off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a pelican crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button.

Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn.

They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus.

The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor.

The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus.

The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.

It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy.

"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!

"To which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."

Moral of the story.....

You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations.

[The March Hare]

And now what?

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

[The March Hare]

A few too many

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf

[The March Hare]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his thingy.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"

[The March Hare]

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'

Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,'

Replied the buddy.

'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?'

The buddy responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed"

[The March Hare]

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly
the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"
The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash
of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his
van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic
ecstasy.


A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking
session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them
out.


The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having
sex?"
Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.


The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring ...
this is the worst case of Van Aerial Disease I've ever seen!"

[The March Hare]

Little Johnny's Letter to Santa

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A F*****G YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE F**K WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A pregnant dog? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE F*****G YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME nuts LIKE THIS UNDER THE d**n TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T F****D ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE nutsHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY F*****G TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS d**n HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL F**K YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE F**K AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT F*****G BIKE, YOU PUNK pregnant dog!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, F**K YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY F*****G BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERF****R FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT pregnant dog!

Sincerely, Johnny

[The March Hare]

-----



One Liners from This Years' Edinburgh Festival



I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... Well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't Mess with the Devil


George Bush has a heart attack and dies.


He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.


"I'm not sure what to do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.


I've got 3 people here in separate rooms who weren't quite as bad as
You.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves, all right?"


George thinks that sounds pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil
Opens the door into the first room.


In it is John Howard floundering around in a large pool of water. He
Keeps sinking and resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for
Air. Such was his fate in Hell.


"No!" George cries. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
Don't think I could do that all day long, forever."


The Devil leads him to the next room.


In it is Tony Blair with a sledgehammer. The room is full of large
Rocks. All Blair does is swing that sledgehammer, time after time after time, over and over, smashing rocks and more rocks immediately appear to replace the ones he smashes.


"No!" exclaims George. I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if I had to smash up rocks all day, forever!"

The Devil opens the third door.

In it, George sees Bill Clinton pegged out naked on the floor with
His arms staked over his head and his legs spread eagled out. Bent over Clinton is Monica Lewinsky, busily doing what Monica does best.

George Bush looks at this in disbelief for a while and finally says,
"Yeah, okay, I can handle this."


The Devil smiles and says gently...."Monica, you're free to go."

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny's Letter to Santa

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A F*****G YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE F**K WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A pregnant dog? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE F*****G YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME nuts LIKE THIS UNDER THE d**n TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T F****D ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE nutsHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY F*****G TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS d**n HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL F**K YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE F**K AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT F*****G BIKE, YOU PUNK pregnant dog!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, F**K YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY F*****G BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERF****R FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT pregnant dog!

Sincerely, Johnny

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2

Litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a

Head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g

Pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

Drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

The cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

Stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued

By the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at

Her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her

Selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."