Re: Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats?

They don't become so attached to the lawyers.

[The March Hare]

What's dumber than a brunette trying to build a house under water?

A: A blonde trying to burn it down

[The March Hare]

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Keep scrolling large spaces in between




The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for
each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't

scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!









1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?













The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,
put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question

tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.







2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?




















Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and
close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.



Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the
repercussions of your previous actions.















3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend...
except one. Which animal does not attend?

























Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You
just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true abilities.





4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do
not have a boat. How do you manage it?


















Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.

Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending
the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from

your mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the

professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many

preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says

this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have

the brains of a four-year-old.

[The March Hare]

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

[The March Hare]

How Smart is Your Right Foot?


This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep
trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand.

Your foot will change direction.
I told you so ......And there's nothing you can do about it
Make sure you pass this on to your friends...they won't be able to believe it either!!

[The March Hare]

football hooligan appeared in court,charged with disorderly conduct and assault.the arresting officer,giving evidence,stated that the accused had thrown something into the canal.`what exactly was it that he threw into the canal!! asked the magistrate.


Stones sir, said the officer

well that's hardly an offence is it?

it was in this case said the officer, Stones was the referee

[The March Hare]

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.

"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.

She came back sweating like a pig. ''Christ, how many trees did you cut down?'' asked the foreman.

''6'' she replied.

''What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.

'How many this time?'' asked the foreman.

''12'' she said.

The foreman says, ''That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow morning.''
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ''This is how to cut down trees really quickly.'' He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her what's wrong. She replies, ''What the hell is that

[The March Hare]

Lessons From Hollywood
1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

[The March Hare]

>
>
>
> A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
> partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
> Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
> wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
> The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded
> by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to
> explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he
> looks down and the floor is covered in $1,000 bills.
> Then, there's a knock at the d oor. . .
>
>
>
> He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan
> outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
> limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
>
> As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
> blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand
> the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make
> love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why
> he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.
>

[The March Hare]

THE MISSING ROOSTER

The priest in a small Irish village loved the thingy and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the thingy went missing! The priest knew that thingy fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a thingy?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a thingy?" All the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a thingy that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY thingy? All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[The March Hare]

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.

''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too

[The March Hare]

Q: A smart blond, Santa and a pregnant woman are on an elevator. A twenty-dollar bill lies on the ground. Who picks it up?

A: The pregnant woman... the other two aren't real

[The March Hare]

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.

“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.

“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

[The March Hare]

A bunch of Saddam Hussein's body doubles were waiting in a lounge when they heard on the news that Saddam's palace had been bombed. One of Saddam's advisors called them and said he had good news and bad news.

The doubles said they wanted the good news first, so the advisor said that Saddam had survived the blast. The doubles were greatly relieved.

"Then what's the bad news?" they asked.

"Saddam lost one of his arms," the advisor replied.

[The March Hare]

One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office with a carrot in one ear, a cucumber in the other ear and two peas up her nose. When the doctor asked what was wrong, she complained she wasn't feeling well. The doctor told her it was because she wasn't eating right

[The March Hare]

What do you call a basement full of blondes?

A: A whine cellar.

[The March Hare]

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Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has
reached the £1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember,
you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.
"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?
"Is it; a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?" Sven
ponders
for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll
have
to go 50-50."
"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're
leftwith.
'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers." Sven has a long
think, then scratches his head and says,
"No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris. "Hmmm, I think I'll
call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from
"Who wants to be a Millionaire". I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here,
and with
your help he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be
Sven's."
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal
lives
in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a
badger".
"Final answer, Sven?"
"Final answer, Chris."
"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!" Cue wild
celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was
brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you
a
call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a
badger lives in a sett?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ...........

( SCROLL DOWN YOU'LL LIKE THIS)












"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[The March Hare]

Subject: The Royal Wedding Night - Old but good

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter
and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to
their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling. Please
remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour,
but it wouldn't budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla.

"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so
bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I
told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God,
darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy
man, always a Navy man!"

[The March Hare]

In heaven's gate

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A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

[The March Hare]

Confused Blonde
A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance."

"Okay," says the blonde.

"Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T."

"That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"

"Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?"

"That's easy. Twelve!"

"Twelve?"

"January second, February second, March second--"

"Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What's God's name?"

"That's easy. Howard!"

"Howard?"

"You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."