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Post by The March Hare on May 14, 2006 8:28:57 GMT 1
One day a blonde and her friend and their parents were talking about the birth of the blonde and her friend. The friend's father said that Jane was a C-section baby. And the blonde said, ''I don't know what section I'm from!
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Post by The March Hare on May 15, 2006 7:32:46 GMT 1
Why don't Blondes make good cattle herders. Because they can never keep two calves together
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Post by The March Hare on May 15, 2006 7:34:05 GMT 1
Redneck Slang * The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart * As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person * Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy * Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action * We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced * He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink * She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker * It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice * Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving * This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block * He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y * They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin * Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told * As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart * You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing
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Post by The March Hare on May 15, 2006 7:35:28 GMT 1
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE >> >>1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, >> who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. >> >>2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. >> >>3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust >> and who doesn't lie to you. >> >>4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed >> and who likes to be with you. >> >>5. It's very, very important that these four women >> don't know each other. >>
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Post by jj on May 15, 2006 15:21:09 GMT 1
Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper…………………….."Hello." the child said.
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
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Post by jj on May 15, 2006 15:27:13 GMT 1
Why the US Navy is better than the Iraqi Navy
U. S. NAVY [/img]<a href="http://tinypic.com"><img src="http://i1.tinypic.com/ztfzb9.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a>[img src="[/img] i1.tinypic.com/ztfzb9.jpg"] Iraqi Navy [/img]<a href="http://tinypic.com"><img src="http://i1.tinypic.com/ztg1ae.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a>[img src="[/img] i1.tinypic.com/ztg1ae.jpg"] Give me a sense of humor and Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folks!
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Post by jj on May 15, 2006 15:42:22 GMT 1
"I'M GOING FISHING"Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." [/img]<a href="http://tinypic.com"><img src="http://i1.tinypic.com/ztg4g0.gif" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a>[img src="[/img] i1.tinypic.com/ztg4g0.gif"] IT'S A GUY THING"Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical". "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?" " I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." [/img]<a href="http://tinypic.com"><img src="http://i1.tinypic.com/ztg7ep.gif" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a>[img src="[/img] i1.tinypic.com/ztg7ep.gif"] "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."Means: "Are you still talking?" "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty darn soon." "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. [/img]<a href="http://tinypic.com"><img src="http://i1.tinypic.com/ztg7rk.gif" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a>[img src="[/img] i1.tinypic.com/ztg7rk.gif"] "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Means: "I have no idea how it works." "I CAN'T FIND IT."Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"Means: "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU."Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." [/img]<a href="http://tinypic.com"><img src="http://i3.tinypic.com/ztg855.gif" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a>[img src="[/img] i3.tinypic.com/ztg855.gif"] "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving already." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."Means: "No one will ever see us alive again." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."Means: "I make the mess, she cleans it up." [/img]<a href="http://tinypic.com"><img src="http://i1.tinypic.com/ztg6xi.gif" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a>[img src="[/img] i1.tinypic.com/ztg6xi.gif"] "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."Means: "I have actually severed a limb, it will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
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Post by The March Hare on May 16, 2006 7:37:21 GMT 1
CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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Post by The March Hare on May 16, 2006 7:38:11 GMT 1
A blonde goes into a store that sells curtain material. She tells the salesman ' I would like to buy pink curtains the sizo of my computer screen'. The surprised salesman replies ' but madam computers dont have curtains'. the blonde said:- helloooo. Ive got windows
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Post by The March Hare on May 16, 2006 7:38:46 GMT 1
There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."
Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla!
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"
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Post by The March Hare on May 16, 2006 7:45:05 GMT 1
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"
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Post by The March Hare on May 17, 2006 7:43:28 GMT 1
Have you heard that OJ is starting a new Airport Limo service?
His motto is, "We get you there with time to kill!"
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Post by The March Hare on May 17, 2006 7:44:03 GMT 1
Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”
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Post by The March Hare on May 17, 2006 7:44:55 GMT 1
Warm, Moist MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he? MAN: He's at home. CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns. MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he? MAN: He's at home! CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns. CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack? MAN: Put your hand inside. CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it? MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper
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Post by The March Hare on May 18, 2006 7:33:30 GMT 1
: > > >WOMAN'S DIARY: > >Saturday 29th April 2006. > >Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I Went >shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a Bit late >so thought it might be that. > >The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go Somewhere >quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I >Suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. > >All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and >didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I >just knew that something was wrong. > >He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he >hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something The >matter but he just half shook his head and turned the Television on. > >After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs To bed. >I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. >He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, >But later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still >seemed Distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going >to Leave me, and that he had found someone else... > >I cried myself to sleep. > > > >MAN'S DIARY: > >Saturday 29th April 2006. > >Rooney's probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances then, >gutted! > >Got a sh* g though. >
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Post by The March Hare on May 18, 2006 7:33:59 GMT 1
There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"
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Post by The March Hare on May 18, 2006 7:34:30 GMT 1
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Ross Perot are on a ship when it is sinking. Perot orders for all women to head for the life boats. Bush says screw the women! Clinton says "Do we have time
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Post by The March Hare on May 18, 2006 7:35:50 GMT 1
There was a blonde at a stoplight and it said “walk.” She started walking and, when she was in the middle of the street, the sign turned to “don't walk.” So she stopped.
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Post by The March Hare on May 18, 2006 7:36:33 GMT 1
What does a blonde do if she's not in bed by 10:00 pm?
She goes home.
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Post by The March Hare on May 18, 2006 7:47:15 GMT 1
What do you do if a bird S.hits on your car?
Finish with her
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