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Post by The March Hare on May 6, 2006 7:27:28 GMT 1
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend ans says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The girlfriend says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more
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Post by The March Hare on May 6, 2006 7:28:27 GMT 1
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins
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Post by The March Hare on May 7, 2006 10:34:08 GMT 1
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow
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Post by The March Hare on May 7, 2006 10:35:13 GMT 1
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"
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Post by The March Hare on May 7, 2006 10:36:13 GMT 1
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger
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Post by The March Hare on May 7, 2006 10:37:42 GMT 1
There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.
The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"
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Post by jj on May 7, 2006 15:11:11 GMT 1
THE NURSING HOME POLICE
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the
other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted " STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.
"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again
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Post by jj on May 7, 2006 15:14:04 GMT 1
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain
needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer
satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this
letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret
the fact that I will be spending the evening with
my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be back home
before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found
the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your
honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old. As you know , I am a maths
teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read
this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael,
one of my students, who is also the assistant
tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your
secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an
excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand
that we are in the same situation although with one
small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times
than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back home until
sometime tomorrow."
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Post by jj on May 7, 2006 15:20:26 GMT 1
The Irish
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order. O'Malley was shocked but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting..
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer.
Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber..
There were some laughs and some more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends, who were curious as to what the two werecelebrating. O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave
O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your
Mother after I am gone."
You gotta love the Irish..
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Post by The March Hare on May 8, 2006 7:48:31 GMT 1
A blonde was working on a puzzle.
After ten hard months of work, she finally finished.
She was so proud of herself because on the side of the box it said, "2-3 years."
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Post by The March Hare on May 8, 2006 7:49:15 GMT 1
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
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Post by The March Hare on May 8, 2006 7:50:04 GMT 1
Q: What happened when the blonde went to the movie theater?
A: She saw the “NC-17: Under 17 not admitted” sign, so she went home and got 16 friends.
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Post by The March Hare on May 8, 2006 7:50:40 GMT 1
A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom “I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.”
Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.”
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Post by The March Hare on May 8, 2006 8:08:15 GMT 1
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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Post by The March Hare on May 9, 2006 7:45:55 GMT 1
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A very ugly woman walked into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks 'Are they twins?' The woman says 'No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why do you ask, Do you think they look alike?' 'No', he replies 'I just can't believe you got laid twice!
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Post by The March Hare on May 9, 2006 7:46:56 GMT 1
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two old men were holding up the queue outside the turnstile before the game,while one of them hunted for his ticket. he looked in his coat pockets and waistcoat pockets and his trousers pockets, all to no avail.
hang on a minute said the gatesman, what's that in your mouth?
it was the missing ticket
as they moved inside his mate said,crikey cyril you must be getting senile in your old age. fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!
I'm not that stupid said cyril. i was chewing last weeks date off it
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Post by The March Hare on May 9, 2006 7:48:09 GMT 1
Subject: FW: chav bashing
>
>
> 1 . What do you call a chav in a box?
>
> Innit.
>
>
> 2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
>
> Sorted
>
>
> 3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
>
> Safe.
>
>
> 4. What do you call a chav on fire?
>
> Blazin'
>
>
> 5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
>
> They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight
> of stairs.
>
>
> 6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
>
> The bride.
>
>
> 7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try
> not to hit him?
>
> It might be your bike.
>
>
> 8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
>
> One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
>
>
> 9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
>
> What you lookin' at?"
>
>
> 10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
>
> Paint go-faster stripes on it.
>
>
> 11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
>
> The police
>
>
> 12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
>
> A liar.
>
>
> 13. What do you say to a chav with a job?
>
> Can I have a Big Mac please.
>
>
> 14. What do you say to a chav in a suit?
>
> Will the defendant please stand
>
>
> 15. What do you call a knife in chav-ville?
>
> Exhibit A
>
>
> 16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?
>
> A Nova seats 5
>
>
> 17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?
>
> Granny.
>
>
> 18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
>
> One, they'll screw anything.
>
>
> 19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?
>
> A start.
>
>
> 20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor?
>
> None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."
>
>
> 21. Why did the chav take a shower?
>
> He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the
> car wash.
>
>
> 22. Why did the Chav cross the road?
>
> To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.
>
>
> 23. What do you call a Chav at college?
>
> The cleaner.
>
>
> 24. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins?
>
> Society
>
>
> 25. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were
> approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the
> pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until
> they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asks
> the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument
for us?
> Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde
> Girl leans over the counter and says, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
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Post by marmaris98 on May 9, 2006 8:36:21 GMT 1
love the chav jokes bob ..........tena moment
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Post by jj on May 10, 2006 6:59:06 GMT 1
Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is
not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
A woman was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor's office to
tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. She
had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn't have
any time to spare.
As most women do, she likes to take a little extra effort over
hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave herself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure she was at least presentable.
She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some
clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment.
She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, She hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. She was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My”, we have made an extra effort this morning,
haven't we?"
She didn't respond.
After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when her 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" she told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it
had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
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Post by jj on May 10, 2006 7:02:02 GMT 1
Subject: Aussie sensitivity
Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project -
Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should
go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do
it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
“Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
“That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and
she gave you the beer?"
”Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I
said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
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