Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

THE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER EXPECTANT

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.

He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

[The March Hare]

bob davis
Date: 01/26/06 19:51:16
To: bob davis


Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2006 7:34 AM
Subject: WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?


> > > >>The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
>
> >and
> > > >>she
> > > >>asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven which part of
> your
> >body
> > > >>goes first?"
> > > >>
> > > >>Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
> > > >>
> > > >>Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together
> in
> > > >>front
> > > >>of you and God just takes your hands first.
> > > >>
> > > >>"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
> > > >>
> > > >>Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
> >feet."
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
> > > >>
> > > >>"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
> > > >>
> > > >>Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom
> the
> > > >>other
> > > >>night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
>
> >'Oh!
> > > >>God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost
> her

[The March Hare]

01/27/06 20:15:44
To: bob davis

on: Today at 2:55pm » Quote Modify

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD. single working girls Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A Mcs**t. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a Mcs**t with Lies

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PEARLHARBOUR. Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person

SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive woman

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

[The March Hare]

A blonde girl walks into the Salon wearing a pair of headphones and asks for a haircut. The hair stylist looks and says, "You'll need to take off the headphones first."
"If I take them off I'll die." The girl replies.
For a while the stylist struggles around the headphones but it's no use. Again she asks the girl to remove the headphones.
"If I take them off I'll die." The blonde responds again.
The stylist continues trying to cut around the headphones but she's getting really frustrated by now. She decides to take the headphones off for her, gently so the girl doesn't notice. As soon as the headphones are removed the blonde girl drops to the floor and dies.
The stylist can't believe it. Amazed, he picks up the headphones and holds them up to his ears, and listens: "breath in....breath out....breath in...."

[The March Hare]

Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Diane," he said, "The only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi there,

I received the following fact file from a business associate and thought it
was worthy of circulation. Makes you think!!!

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

[The March Hare]

Attending a convention, 3 psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right-now?"

They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiartrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

[The March Hare]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example but nothing worked.
Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Eventually, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer.
For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."
John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[The March Hare]

A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

[The March Hare]

Bears with no ears

Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
A: B.

[The March Hare]

Shaken not...

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Edglancedover and noticed that Ted's thingy was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Blimey," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Ted said. "All twisted like a pigs tail," Ed said.
"Well what's yours like?" Ted said.
"Well straight like normal," Ed said.
"I thought mine was normal 'til I saw yours," Ted said.
Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake downprior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Ted said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."
"nuts," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing.

[The March Hare]

Symptoms of being over 30

1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.

5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.

6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.

7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.

8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.

9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.

10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.

11. You start to worry about your parents' health.

12. You complain that ecstasy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and anyway,you might look a bit of an idiot.

13. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

14. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.

15. Pop music all starts to sound crap.

16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.

17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.

18. You always have enough milk in.

19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing,you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.

20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

23. You wish you had a shed.

24. You have a shed.

25. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day...."

26. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young had some really interesting guests on.

27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at school children whose diction is poor.

28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.

29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.

30. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time

31. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"

[The March Hare]

Romance Mathematics

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

[marmaris98]

bob your over 30 joke is so true, i find myself saying things that my mam used to say and i vowed i never would. at work i tell the kids i'm 29 and they think that that is old!!!!! coz their mams are only 26

[The March Hare]

A Classic?

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves. "I'm an engineer" says american, "So I'll handle building a shelter". He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks, why don't you handle the cooking?" The Frenchman agrees, and the American turns to the Japanese man "That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.

A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have done.

They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The American comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up"

The teams are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."

The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man.

"Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the American, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since."

They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised.

They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with peathingy feathers sticking out of his bottom and shouts:

"SUPPLIES!!"

[The March Hare]

Three Clubs...

Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?
A: Arsenal, Sthingyhorpe and F*****g Man Utd.

[The March Hare]

A Crying Shame

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?". The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

[The March Hare]

The affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

[The March Hare]

A crusty looking old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a d**n checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, d**n it. I said I want to open a d**n checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
With that the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. The both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no d**n problem", the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the d**n lottery and I want to open a d**n checking account in this d**n bank!"
"I see", says the manager, "and this pregnant dog is giving you a hard time?"

[jj]

Subject: Blondes


I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss
would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think
I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came
into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly
stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
the Boss asked her ".....And where do you think you're going?"


She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark"