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Post by The March Hare on Jan 25, 2006 8:45:57 GMT 1
The following questions and answers were collected from last year's Junior
exam results. These are genuine responses!! (from 16year olds)! classics
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the
abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,
A,E,I,O
and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like
umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 25, 2006 8:47:10 GMT 1
Man: Doctor, me leg keeps talkin' to me.
Doc: Don't be ridiculous!
Leg: Lend us a fiver!
Man: Told ya.
Leg: Giz a tenner!
Doc: My God!
Leg: Eh
Doc, can you spare 20 quid?
Doc: I know your problem. Your leg's broke!
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 25, 2006 8:48:08 GMT 1
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a thingy the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little thingy and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 25, 2006 8:48:52 GMT 1
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 25, 2006 8:50:43 GMT 1
Begun Kane, Humor Columnist,
BUSH AND TONY
George Dubya and Tony Blair are quite the pair and surely deserve their own song parody. I hope you'll enjoy singing "Bush and Tony" to the tune of "Love and Marriage ,"
Bush and Tony, Bush and Tony
Go together like a cart and pony.
This I tell you brother
You can't have one without the other.
Bush and Tony, Bush and Tony
Always waging war and being phony.
Ask the local gentry
And they will say it's elementary.
Try, try, try to separate them
From their distortions.
Try, try, try, and you will only come
To this conclusion.
Bush and Tony, Bush and Tony
Go together like a cart and pony.
Split them? Don't you bother.
You can't have one,
You can't have one,
You can't have one without the other.
Blair and Dubya, Blair and Dubya
Share their toothpaste and their taste for power.
This I tell you brother
They're both afraid of Bush's mother.
Blair and Dubya, Blair and Dubya
Get together at the ranch for supper
Will Bush feed him bull nuts?
A nasty trick to play on Blair's guts.
If you try to separate them
It will confuse 'em.
If you try, then you will only come
To this conclusion.
Blair and Dubya, Blair and Dubya
Need each other's help with plans so dour.
This I tell you brother
You can't have peace,
You can't have peace,
You can't have peace while they're in power
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Post by marmaris98 on Jan 25, 2006 9:52:38 GMT 1
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a thingy the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little thingy and begins to laugh hysterically. The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!" lets hope nobody heard me coz i laughed out really loud .........and i'm in by my self ;D |
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 26, 2006 8:58:13 GMT 1
Marriage (Part V) The Silent
Treatment**************************************
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning
the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his
flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It
is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
**************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT.
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 26, 2006 8:59:09 GMT 1
IT HURT MUCH, DOCTOR?
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 26, 2006 9:00:35 GMT 1
An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex. While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!"
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong. They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong."
This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!"
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 26, 2006 9:01:20 GMT 1
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighbourhood, so for public safety, he was committed.
He was put in a room with another crazy, and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
The other guy looked at him and declared, "I did not!"
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 27, 2006 8:35:24 GMT 1
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians"
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 27, 2006 8:36:27 GMT 1
A SLIGHTLY CONFUSING SITUATION
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 27, 2006 8:37:21 GMT 1
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug"
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 27, 2006 8:38:42 GMT 1
thingy=ROOSTER=MALE CHICKEN:
The priest in a small Irish village loved the thingy and ten hens he
kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the
thingy went missing!! The priest knew that thingy fights happened in the
village, so he started to question his parishioners in the church the
next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a thingy?" All
the men stood up.
"No, no!", he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
thingy?" All the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a thingy
that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY thingy?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests, and a goat stood
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 28, 2006 8:35:36 GMT 1
A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight."
"Eighty-eight," she purred.
"Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'"
"Eighhty...eighhhhtttt."
"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight.'"
"One, two, three, four, five..."
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 28, 2006 8:36:13 GMT 1
Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking."
Patient: "I'll come back when you're sober then
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 28, 2006 8:36:42 GMT 1
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 28, 2006 8:37:11 GMT 1
Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist's office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions. The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: "Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!"
"Why," exclaimed the woman, "you're absolutely right, doctor!"
Then it was the second woman's turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: "Madam, you're obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!"
"You're right, doctor!" exclaimed the second woman and left.
The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: "What rubbish! I don't believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!"
Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: "Let's go home now thingy."
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 29, 2006 21:28:26 GMT 1
A boss is sat in the office one morning when one of his employees, who had a terrible history for taking time off, phones in:
"I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."
On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage: "well, just how sick are you exactly?"
"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"
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Post by The March Hare on Jan 29, 2006 21:29:26 GMT 1
An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "d**n it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"
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