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Post by jj on Feb 2, 2006 21:54:50 GMT 1
Test for Dementia
Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
First Question:
Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another B><>1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?
Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants t o buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wnts o buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!
THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE
"SMART PEOPLE" IN YOUR LIFE
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 2, 2006 22:35:43 GMT 1
good fun
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 3, 2006 9:13:44 GMT 1
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 3, 2006 9:14:44 GMT 1
You are no longer a student when....
1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep
2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.
5. You don’t volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.
6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.
7. You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.
8. Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy.
9. The bank manager doesn’t write threatening letters any more. - I don’t know about this one!
10. You carry an umbrella.
11. Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.
12. You don’t go to Tesco’s with all your friends.
13. You have standing orders and direct debits.
14. The heating works in your house.
15. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.
16. You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.
17. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
18. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’.
19. You’re the one calling the police because those d**n kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
20. You get out of bed in the morning even if it’s raining.
21. Washing up is not an annual ritual.
22. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
23. You don’t know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.
24. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
25. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.
26. You don’t get ideas for drinks from local tramps.
27. You don’t put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat later. - maybe not!
28. You don’t spend half your day strategically planning pub-crawls.
29. You "hate scrounging students".
30. You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk.
31. Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.
32. You can’t persuade your flatmates to ‘Drink till dawn’.
33. You don’t spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.
34. You always know where you are when you wake up.
35. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
36. A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.
37. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
38. A 2.99 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.
39. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.
40. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
41. You don’t have mice living in your kitchen.
42. Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.
43. You don’t go to Liquor Save to buy Vodka.
44. You have hoovered.
45. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.
46. ’I just can’t drink the way I used to’ replaces ‘I’m never going to drink that much again’.
47. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. Err.
48. You don’t experiment with banned substances.
49. You don’t get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub.
50. You don’t find a "dump" left in the toilet hysterically funny anymore.
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 3, 2006 9:17:59 GMT 1
Notes from parents
These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country....
1 - My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E.today. Please execute him.
2 - Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3 - Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4 - Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5 - Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6 - John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7 - Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8 - Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9 - Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10 - Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11 - Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the nutss. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12 - Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13 - Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14 - Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15 - I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16 - Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17 - Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18 - My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19 - Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20 - Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21 - Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22 - Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23 - Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24 - Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 3, 2006 9:18:40 GMT 1
Baby Polar Bear
Baby polar bear asks its dad, 'am i a black bear?'
'no' says dad.
'am i a grizzly bear?',
'no, you're a polar bear. go ask your mother, son.'
baby polar bear asks its mum, 'am i a brown bear, or a sun bear?'
'no', says mum.
'am i a black bear or a koala bear?'
'no, you're a polar bear. why do you ask, son?'
'because i am so cold
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 4, 2006 8:58:04 GMT 1
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her decorating job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"green side up!"
In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled
"green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled
"green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying a lawn across the street.
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 4, 2006 8:59:16 GMT 1
Only a Scot could think of this .... from Glasgow, where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a pub in Glasgow. After last orders the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the wipers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the carpark empty, he pulled away and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and approached the car carrying a breathalyzer test kit.
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the truly proud Glaswegian, "Tonight officer, I'm the designated decoy."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 4, 2006 9:00:08 GMT 1
An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 4, 2006 9:01:04 GMT 1
bob davis
Date: 01/31/06 08:17:49
To: bob davis
Man in a balloon
A man in a hot air balloon realised that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me. I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman replied "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a scientist" shouted the balloonist.
"I am" said the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well" answered the balloonist, "everything that you told me is presumably technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of the information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you have not been much help."
The woman responded "You must be in management."
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well" said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are by means of a large volume of hot air. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people below you to solve your problems you have created. You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now, somehow, it is my fault!"
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Post by jj on Feb 4, 2006 9:34:10 GMT 1
This thread should be called "Bob's Clean Jokes" ;D
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 4, 2006 12:28:37 GMT 1
bob's not so clean jokes
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Post by jj on Feb 4, 2006 15:36:14 GMT 1
Ok I'll go along with that  |
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 4, 2006 18:26:47 GMT 1
So which one do you want |
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 4, 2006 19:16:28 GMT 1
well for me i not fussy any kind .......................
oh i don't like sick jokes
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 4, 2006 19:34:28 GMT 1
well for me i not fussy any kind ....................... oh i don't like sick jokes Sick jokes it is then  |
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 4, 2006 19:52:05 GMT 1
arghhhhhhhhhhh no please don't
i'll cross you off my bezza mates list
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 4, 2006 21:07:58 GMT 1
arghhhhhhhhhhh no please don't i'll cross you off my bezza mates list Ok I will my best |
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Post by jj on Feb 5, 2006 8:34:29 GMT 1
Spanish lesson...
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: el lápiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador''), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 5, 2006 12:16:14 GMT 1
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh ok, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
"Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f***ing putt!"
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