Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

Sex and Dirty Jokes: Artificial.

A married couple was having dinner and the conversation got around to transplants and artificial body parts.

"They 'll make an artificial thingy next," the wife said.

"Bullnuts!" replied the husband, "There are something's you can't make - besides, what would you make it from?"

"Iron," she told him.

"Don't be stupid, woman. It'd rust."

"Ok, brass then," she insisted.

"That's bloody ridiculous," scoffed the husband. "Men would never be able to keep it clean."

"Rubbish!" she told him. "I've watched you polish yours while watching porno videos for

[The March Hare]

Arsene Wenger is in bed when God appears before him at the end of his bed.

Jesus says "Come forth my son"

Wenger replies "you are joking, we will be lucky to make the UEFA cup"

[jj]

Very good Bob

[The March Hare]

I Want To Understand Women

A man stubbed his toe while walking on the beach and looked down to see
Aladdin's lamp. Knowing the story, he picked it up and rubbed it. Sure
enough, a genie appeared. The genie said, "Your wish is my command.
Unfortunately, I am not a powerful genie and can only grant you one wish."

The man stated that he had always wanted to visit his ancestral home in
Europe but was afraid of flying and didn't trust boats. "Genie," he said,
"I want you to build a highway across the ocean so that I can drive to
Europe."

The genie considered the logistics, driving pilings down through miles of
water and then having the winds and sea lash at the pavement on the road.
"That's pretty difficult," he said. "Is there something else that I can do
for you?"

The man thought for a moment and said, "I want to understand women."

The genie thought and replied, "Do you want that highway to be 2 lanes
or four

[The March Hare]

How Is Sex Like Riding A Bicycle?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

[The March Hare]

Hard to believe it really...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>
> Amusing Dealings with the General Public
>
>> Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
>> through to enquiries, can you help?".
>>
>> Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
>>
>> Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
>>
>> Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
>>
>
>> Samsung Electronics


>> Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
>>
>> Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
>>
>> Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
>> that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
>> telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
> Jack?"
>>
>> Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
>>

>> RAC Motoring Services
>>

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
>> travelling in Australia?"
>>
>> Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
>>



>> Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
>>
>> "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering
>> wheel to the other side of the car?"
>>
>>
Directory Enquiries


>> Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
>>
>> Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
>>
>> Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B'
>> fell off".
>>

>> Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
>> Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
>>
>> Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
>>

>> On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
>> box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up
>> the window to write the number on".
>>

>> Computer Capers


>> Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
>>
>> Customer: "OK".
>>
>> Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
>>
>> Customer: "No".
>>
>> Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
>>
>> Customer: "No".
>>
>> Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
>> this point?".
>>
>> Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
>>

>> Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
>> you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
>>
>> Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
>>

>> Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
>> realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks
>> will I have my file back again?".
>>
>
>> There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in
>> a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
>> This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line, which was
>> transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
>> Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is
>> currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination
>> without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer
>> Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
>>
>>
>> Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
>>
>> Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
>>
>> Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
>>
>> Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
>> went away."
>>
>> Operator: "Went away?"
>>
>> Caller: "They disappeared."
>>
>> Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
>>
>> Caller: "Nothing."
>>
>> Operator: "Nothing??"
>>
>> Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
>>
>> Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
>>
>> Caller: "How do I tell?"
>>
>> Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
>>
>> Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
>>
>> Operator: "Never mind, can you m ove your cursor around the screen?"
>>
>> Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything
>> I type."
>>
>> Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
>>
>> Caller: "What's a monitor?"
>>
>> Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
>> Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
>>
>> Caller: "I don't know."
>>
>> Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
>> the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
>>
>> Caller: "Yes, I think so."
>>
>> Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
>> plugged into the wall.
>>
>> Caller: "Yes, it is."
>>
>> Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
>> there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
>>
>> Caller: "No."
>>
>> Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
>> find the other cable."
>>
>> Caller: "Okay, here it is."
>>
>> Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
>> into the back of your computer."
>>
>> Caller: "I can't reach."
>>
>> Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
>>
>> Caller: "No."
>>
>> Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
>> over??"
>>
>> Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
>> because it's dark."
>>
>> Operator: "Dark??"
>>
>> Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
>> coming in from the window."
>>
>> Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
>>
>> Caller: "I can't."
>>
>> Operator: "No? Why not??"
>>
>> Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
>>
>> Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
> now.
>> Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
>> computer came in??"
>>
>> Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
>>
>> Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
>> just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
>> bought it from."
>>
>> Caller: "Real ly? Is it that bad?"
>>
>> Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
>>
>> Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
>>
>> Operator: "Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer."
>>

[The March Hare]

Why, Why, Why ?



Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then rea ch down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

W hen we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[The March Hare]

Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

~Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.

~Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.

~Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.

~What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.

~You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brainpower that I find so attractive in a woman.

~What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!

~Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.

~Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.

~Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.

~I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?

~You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.

~Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.

~My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.

~If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.

~Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.

~If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.

~You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.

~Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.

Author: Unknown

[The March Hare]

Words Women Use...

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! That is what I am doing........

Author Unknown

[The March Hare]

Zachary Disease

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion. She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.

She asked Dr. Chang, "Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!"

So Dr. Chang said, "Take off all yur cwothes."

So she did.

Then he said, "Now, get on yur hands and knees and crawl wreal fas away from me, ten craw wreal fas back to me."

So the young lady did.

Dr. Chang looked at her said, "You got wreal bad case of Zachary disease."

The lady asked, "What's that?"

Dr. Chang replied, "That's wen yur face lok zachary like yur ass

[The March Hare]

Why, Why, Why ?



Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then rea ch down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

W hen we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[The March Hare]

Round Table

King Arthur has a beautiful wife. The problem is, the knights of the round table keep shagging her. He goes to Merlin, and explains the situation. Merlin says, "I've got just the thing." He pulls a out pair of metal knickers, with a hole in the bottom. Arthur says, "They're no good." But Merlin puts his wand through the hole, and a blade appears and chops his wand in half. Arthur takes them, and padlocks them to his wife. He goes away for a fortnight.
When he returns he lines up all his knights and tells them to drop their pants. All of the knights except one have half their thingy lopped off. Arthur said, "You have disgraced the knights of the round table, Go away, and may I never see you again." He comes to the remaining knight Sir Lancelot and says, "For your loyalty, I will give you half of my empire. Lancelot said, "Fank you thirr."

[The March Hare]

Subject: FW: FW: Commentary at its best!!!



Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up,
this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a
10X10 cell. AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in
an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to
pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors
for you. AT WORK............you must have a security card and open all
the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and
playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people
who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with
no work required. AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses
to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
prisoners

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars
wanting to get out. AT WORK .........you spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON ........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check e-mails!

[The March Hare]

THE BURST PIPE

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

[The March Hare]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

[The March Hare]

A TOUGH CH-CH-CHOICE

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"

The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering."

The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?"

"It's your thingy. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large thingy - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with."

The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?"

"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."

"Do it!" the guy replies. So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter thingy. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on."

The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da- deal!"

[The March Hare]

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

[marmaris98]

the deaf joke sounds like meeeee so it must be HIM that's going deaf

[The March Hare]

[The March Hare]

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."