Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT SEX

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen (...more Woody Allen Quotes).
"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
Emo Philips (...more Emo Philips Quotes).

"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
Matt Groening.

"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."
Steve Martin.

"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who."
Joan Rivers.

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one."
Woody Allen (...more Woody Allen Quotes).

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips (...more Emo Philips Quotes).

"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home."
Ken Hammond.

"Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet."
Taki.

[The March Hare]

Subject: FW: WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS ARE STUPID?


>> "My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
>> David Beckham
>>
>> "I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
>> league." Mark Viduka
>>
>> "Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well,

>> he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the
>> best manager I've ever had." David Beckham
>>
>> "If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out
>> of bed at the end of the day." Neville Southall
>>
>> "I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7
>> of which were disputable." Paul Gascoigne
>>
>> "I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
>> hopefully after that as well." Alan Shearer
>>
>> "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." Mark Draper
>>
>> "You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll
>> win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked
out."
>> Peter Shilton
>>
>> "I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week,

>> but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester." Stan
>> Collymore
>>
>> "I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on

>> the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at
>> Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered
>> he was out there playing." Ade Akinbiyi
>>
>> "Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." Ian

>> Wright
>>
>> "I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." Ugo Ehiogu
>>
>> "Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I

>> live in Middlesborough." Jonathan Woodgate
>>
>> "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." Stuart Pearce
>>
>> "I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
>> right." Lee Hendrie
>>
>> "I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign
country."
>> Ian Rush
>>
>> "Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11
>> internationals out there today." Steve Lomas
>>
>> "I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
>> right sock." Barry Venison
>>
>> "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into
>> what religion yet." David Beckham
>>
>> "The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
>> European." Phil Neville
>>
>> "All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
>> Mitchell Thomas
>>
>> "One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my
best."
>> Alan Shearer
>>
>> "I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
>> Johnny Giles
>>
>> and
>>
>> "He is a good player when he hasn't got the ball." Gary Lineker

[The March Hare]

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT MEN

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."
Jilly Cooper.
"You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths."
Steven Wright (...more Steven Wright Quotes).

"Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable."
Cher.

"A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over."
Dino Levi.

"Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you."
Mae West.

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest."
Roseanne Barr.

"When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
Rita Rudner.

"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas."
Ashleigh Brilliant.

"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow."
John Wayne.

"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.."
Diana Jordan.

[The March Hare]

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts




Hit me baby one more time!


1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER
newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand
typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan
dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few
friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the
Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop
telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the
Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it
is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to
balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow

[The March Hare]

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT MEN

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."
Jilly Cooper.
"You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths."
Steven Wright (...more Steven Wright Quotes).

"Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable."
Cher.

"A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over."
Dino Levi.

"Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you."
Mae West.

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest."
Roseanne Barr.

"When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
Rita Rudner.

"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas."
Ashleigh Brilliant.

"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow."
John Wayne.

"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.."
Diana Jordan.

[The March Hare]

Golden Years




The Golden Years

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw

Oh My God What can I do

My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell!
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years has come at last
The Golden Years can I disagree.

[The March Hare]

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an
airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he
wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he
politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer
persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask
a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you
ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again
the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know
the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!
" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands
the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a
hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at
him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through
all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and
hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns
away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the
question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands
$5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

[The March Hare]

IN TRUE LASSIE FASHION

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes!" the monkey motioned.

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes." the monkey confirmed.

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."

"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

[The March Hare]

4.25


Without a keen sense of humor, you will never survive as an English
teacher. Read some of these gems from students' papers and feel free
to laugh out loud.

1. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

2. In 1957, Eugene O'Neill won a Pullet Surprize.

3. Each Thanksgiving, it is a tradition for my family to shoot peasants.

4. Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up
dead.

5. At the start of _The Grapes of Wrath_, Oklahoma has been hit by a
dust bowl.

6. The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the
son of his father, but a president isn't.

7. Last year, many lives were caused by accidents.

8. Only you can prevent forced fires.

9. The death of Francis Macomber was a turning point in his life.

[The March Hare]

Euro 2004

Why are Englishmen better lovers than Frenchmen?

Because we can stay on top for 90 minutes and still come second

[The March Hare]

Parking Fine

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice

[The March Hare]

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak
accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that,
unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question
correctly for admission. The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the
famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?” “Phew, that one's easy,” says the
teacher, “The Titanic.” “Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.” Then the
thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?” The thief
replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is
1500 people.” And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”

[The March Hare]

warning has been issued by West Yorkshire Police

This warning has been issued by West Yorkshire Police

Clubbers in the North of England have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths........

This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum'

[The March Hare]

One fine day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked
into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of
Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy
beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and became
stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU
BASTARD!!"

[The March Hare]

A FEW OF OUR FAVORITE DRIVING HABITS

Happily cruising down the middle lane of a motorway with either indicator flashing, but going nowhere.

Happily cruising down the middle lane of a motorway even when the road is almost entirely empty.

Picking your nose and believing that no-one can see you.

Not realising that there is any other setting for your lights than high beam.

Indicating to move into a lane that you're already half way in.

falling asleep at the wheel, just in time for the lights to turn green.

Sounding your horn one nanosecond after the lights change to green if the car in front hasn't sped off.

Sending sprays of wiper wash right over the top of your car and washing the one behind.

Overtaking then pulling in front and slowing down.

Sharing whatever is on your car stereo with anyone within a mile radius

[The March Hare]

Two Lawyers in the Woods

There were these two lawyers walking through the woods talking, when all of the sudden they come across a very hungry bear. So one of the lawyers opens up his briefcase takes off his shoes and puts on tennis shoes. "You actually think you are going to outrun that bear?", says the other lawyer.
"No", he says. "I only have to outrun you

[The March Hare]

Subject: Fw: A good 'un


An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.


Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.



Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.



He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life



Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.



If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.



If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.



However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"



At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."

[The March Hare]

Talking about Wayne Rooney... "It's an incredible rise to stardom. At 17
> you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran
> Eriksson."
>
>
> Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
> Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]
>
>
> Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were
> better than you today?
> Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there.
>
>
> Reporter: "Gordon, what will you take from today?"
> Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a
> yoghurt to finish, the expiry date is today.
>
>
> Reporter: There goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
> Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home,
> become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.
>
>
> Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
> Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm
> going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man,
> down.
>
>
> Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are The
> right man to turn things around?
> Strachan: No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm
> useless.
>
>
> Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
> Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.
>
>
> Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
> Strachan: "I don't do impressions"
>
>
> Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then ?
> Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!
>
>
> Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you
> play?
> Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself!

[The March Hare]

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit,smoke a cigar,
listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat,
and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in
their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, "Do you know what I miss
most of all?"

She asks, "What?" "SEX!!" he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart,
you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold
says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly
each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
hold old Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him stting by the
pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! -----
What does Ethel have that I don't have?

"Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's

[The March Hare]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing.