Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a
dental appointment.

Knowing that the parts for the school play were supposed to be
posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play
a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it
they'll be giving you a speaking

[marmaris98]

love the dating/married one , quite true

[The March Hare]

CLASSES FOR MEN AT YOUR LOCAL ADULT LEARNING CENTER -
SIGN-UP BY Dec. 5th Note: Due to the complexity & difficulty level, each
course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.
Topic 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Tray. - -Step by step, with slide
presentation.
Topic 2 Toilet Paper: Does It Grow On The Holder? - -Round table discussion.
Topic 3 Is It Possible To Urinate By Lifting The Seat And Avoid Splashing The
Floor/Walls And Nearby Bathtub? -Group practice.
Topic 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And the Floor. -Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 5 Dishes And Silverware: Can They Levitate And Fly Into the Sink? -
Examples on video.
Topic 6 Identity Crisis: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. -
Helpline support and support groups.
Topic 7 Learning How To Find Things, Looking In The Right Place Instead Of
Turning The House Upside Down -Diagrams and floor plans available
Topic 8 Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your
Health. -Graphics and audio tapes
Topic 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost. -Live testimonials. (may be
deleted due to unavailability of any men able to give testimonials)
Topic 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks? -
Driving simulation.
Topic 11 Learning About Life: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. -
Online class and role playing.
Topic 12 How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion. - -Exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 13 How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays,Anniversaries,
Other Important Dates And Calling When You're Going To Be Late. -Cerebral
shock therapy sessions (Full lobotomies offered

[The March Hare]

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless
Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this
was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather
died. About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's
prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day,
the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the
situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless
Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart
attack. The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early
and went to work. He stayed in his office all day. Finally, after
midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with
his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day."
"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on
the porch this morning!"

[The March Hare]

6.00


Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy
looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did
you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what
school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what
year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!

I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders
a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's
going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[The March Hare]

A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East End of
Manhattan, and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came over and asked "What can I get you to drink, sir"?
The gentleman responded, "Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once, didn't
like it, and never tried it again".
The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly, outgoing sort, he
pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman a cigarette.
The gentleman refused, saying, "I tried smoking once, didn't like it, and
never did it again. The point is, I wouldn't be in here at all, except that
I'm waiting for my son".
The bartender retorted, "Your only child, I presume

[The March Hare]

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing
former "loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago
because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.

George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be
prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"

Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."

[marmaris98]

davis said:

A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East End of
Manhattan, and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came over and asked "What can I get you to drink, sir"?
The gentleman responded, "Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once, didn't
like it, and never tried it again".
The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly, outgoing sort, he
pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman a cigarette.
The gentleman refused, saying, "I tried smoking once, didn't like it, and
never did it again. The point is, I wouldn't be in here at all, except that
I'm waiting for my son".
The bartender retorted, "Your only child, I presume

that was on carry on abroad

[The March Hare]

7.50


An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you
have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the
bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately
sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then
orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to
order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low
I'll bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You don't understand.
I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a
vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together.
So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're
drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful
tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then
one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then
ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd
just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The
man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

[The March Hare]

You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties,
your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back
of the milk carton

[The March Hare]

davis

Ten Top Reasons Computers Are Male

Subscribe to Clean Jokes Daily 7.15


10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter

[The March Hare]

One night a guy runs into a bar feeling as though he is going to
explode. He runs up to the bartender and askes where the bathroom is.
He says upstairs, first door on your right. So the man runs up the
stairs and can't remember what the bartender said. He thinks if he
goes to ask again he might not make it. So he looks around and sees a
hole in the ceiling. Feeling daring, he pulls down his trousers and
releases his bowls. When he returns, everybody ecept the bartender is
gone. He askes where everyone went. The bartender replies, "where were
you when the nuts hit the fan

[The March Hare]

Subject: Word Puzzles

Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster and faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer.
Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: Los Angeles
1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person)
2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character)
3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person)
4. MOW BEAD HICK (book)
5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (person)
6. CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (product)
7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (thing)
8. AISLE OH VIEW (phrase)
9. TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (TV show)
10. CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (person)
11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (person)
12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (place)
13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (fictional character)
14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (movie)
15. BUCK SPUN HE (fictional character)





ANSWERS:
1. Jacques Cousteau
2. Santa Claus
3. Michael Jordan
4. Moby thingy
5. Thomas Jefferson
6. Chiquita Banana
7. The Titanic
8. I love you
9. The Brady Bunch
10. Christopher Columbus
11. Doctor Seuss
12. The Milky Way Galaxy
13. Agent 007
14. The Sound of Music
15. Bugs Bunny

[The March Hare]

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and
dip coming."
* Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with."
* Kirsten, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
* Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
* Freddie, age 6

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
* Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids."
* Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids."
* Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even
boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
* Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested
enough to go for a second date."
* Martine, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich."
* Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that."
* Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, you should marry them and
have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
* Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them."
* Anita, age 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no
diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have
her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
* Kirsten, age 10

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MAR
RIED?

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just
the same as they do now."
* Roberta, age 7

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
* Ricky, age

[The March Hare]

Jesus walks into a hotel with a hand full of nails. He puts them on
the counter and says to the receptionist, "Can you put me up for the
night?"

[The March Hare]

March Planned For Next August

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes

[The March Hare]

A beer short of a six pack.
A brick short of a load.
A couple of eggs shy of a dozen.
A couple of gallons short of a full tank.
A few ants short of a picnic.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few bricks short of a pile.
A few bricks short of a wall.
A few cards short of a deck.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few of sheep short of an orgy.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few tomatoes short of a good thick sauce.
A few trucks short of a convoy.
A fortune cookie short of a Chinese dinner.
A pepperoni short of a pizza.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
About as bright as a burnt-out 20 watt light bulb.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An intellect rivalled only by garden tools.
As much use as a hedgehog in a condom factory.
As much use as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.
As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
As quick as a tortoise on Prozac.
As smart as bait.
As useful as a screen door on a submarine.
As useful as a wooden frying pan.
As useful as tits on a bull.
Body by God, Mind by Mattel.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Doesn’t have both oars in the water.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
Dumb as a corn cob.
Dumb as a stump.
Dumber than a bag of rocks.
Elevator doesn't quite make the top floor.
Fell out of the family tree.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Goes surfing in Nebraska.
Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons.<
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way
down.
He is so dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart.
He played too much without a helmet.
He’s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut.
He's got a leak in his think-tank.
He's got a mind like a steel sieve.
He's got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground.
He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
He's so dense light bends around him.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
His cheese has slipped off his cracker.
His porch light ain't on.
If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn’t have enough to blow his hat off.

If brains were gasoline, he couldn't ride a moped around a fruit
loop.
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted.
Isn’t firing on all 6 cylinders.
Isn’t firing on all thrusters.
Kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
Like a pair of children’s scissors, bright and colorful, but not too
sharp.
Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine.
Mind is in neutral, body is in gear.
Mind like a rubber bear trap.
Needing a few screws tightened.
Not firing with all spark plugs.
Not the brightest light in the harbor.
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.
Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
Not the sharpest pencil in the box.
Off his rocker.
On/off switch is stuck in the off position.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
One tit short of an udder.
One turbine short of an airplane.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Requires directions to lay sod.
Room temperature IQ.
Running about a quart low.
Running on empty.
Sharp as a bowling ball.
She is so dumb, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if
she had two guesses.
She's not tied too tight to the pier.
Strong like bear, smart like tractor.
Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
The elevator is stuck between floors.
Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window.
Too many yards between the goal posts.
Two hub caps short of a Buick.
Warning--Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby.
You're the flower of my life (you blooming idiot).
You can't call him an idiot, you'll insult all the idiots in the
world.

[marmaris98]

A man and his ever nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the Wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,
or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance

[marmaris98]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross!" says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking!" says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off the car

[marmaris98]

Three nuns in heaven

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met
by St. Peter.

He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the
Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish
to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's
gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name
just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to
St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her
and says......

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was
laid by 1,400 men in 6 months