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Post by The March Hare on Mar 29, 2006 7:34:37 GMT 1
Two Lawyers in the Woods
There were these two lawyers walking through the woods talking, when all of the sudden they come across a very hungry bear. So one of the lawyers opens up his briefcase takes off his shoes and puts on tennis shoes. "You actually think you are going to outrun that bear?", says the other lawyer.
"No", he says. "I only have to outrun you
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Post by jj on Mar 29, 2006 7:42:15 GMT 1
A SICK PADDY
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "There is a 20 pound note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear .
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. How moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. 1,990 pounds exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman
I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
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Post by jj on Mar 30, 2006 6:15:38 GMT 1
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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Post by jj on Mar 30, 2006 6:16:21 GMT 1
Brave men jokes
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume,then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,
fatty."
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife
Is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you'll find,that is a sheep." Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I
Heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for
free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's
going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800
a year".
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Post by jj on Mar 30, 2006 6:17:27 GMT 1
The Riddle
Alex Ferguson is curious how Chelsea reached the double last year,
so he decides on a visit to London to see how Chelsea's Jose
Murihno coaches his team.
After a day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so
he asks Murihno how he gets his players so sharp. 'Well it is
simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that
way they stay really sharp mentally'.
Of course Fergie wants an example, so Murihno asks Lampard to come
over to the touchline and asks: 'Frank, he is not your brother, but still he
is your father's son. Who is he?'
'That is not difficult', Frank answers immediately, 'to be sure that
is me.'
'You see? That's the way you keep them sharp', Murhino says to Fergie.
Ferguson, who wants to win the double also, decides to bring this
into Manchester United's practice the next day. He calls Wayne
Rooney over to the touchline. 'Wayne, I have a question for you', he
says, 'He is not your brother, but still he is your father's son, who is
he?'
'Bleedin' 'ell', is the wunderkids reply, 'That is a tough one to
answer, can I sleep on that one night, and why have you asked me this question?'
Fergie explains it has to do with some continental coaching trick
and agrees with the one night postponement.
So that night Rooney decides to call Van Nistleroy. He has played on
thecontinent, maybe he knows something about these continental
coaching methods. 'Ruud, maybe you know the answer to this question,
he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?'
'That is easy, that is me!', says Van Nistleroy .
So the next day Wayne walks full of confidence to Ferguson. Fergie asks:
'Wayne, do you know the answer to my question now?'
'Yes it was actually very easy', he says, 'It's Ruud Van Nistleroy.'
Ferguson answers: 'No of course not you stupid bastard. It's Frank
Lampard
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 30, 2006 7:58:18 GMT 1
Two Lawyers in the Woods
There were these two lawyers walking through the woods talking, when all of the sudden they come across a very hungry bear. So one of the lawyers opens up his briefcase takes off his shoes and puts on tennis shoes. "You actually think you are going to outrun that bear?", says the other lawyer.
"No", he says. "I only have to outrun you
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 30, 2006 7:58:47 GMT 1
YUGO ENVY
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.
When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 30, 2006 7:59:36 GMT 1
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking
up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction
and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so
long? Hit the d**ned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of
hitting her from here."
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 30, 2006 8:00:47 GMT 1
PARKING THE ROLLS
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone I learned that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 31, 2006 8:03:08 GMT 1
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 31, 2006 8:04:29 GMT 1
two gay guys and a baby
two gay guys wanted to have a baby,so they so they mixed their sperm together and did artificial insemonation on some lady that voluntered to do it. 9 months later their baby was born so they rush to the hospital and when they get there, there is 24 babies in the nursery. 23of the babies are crying and screaming. the nurse came to them and said "that the baby that wasnt crying or screaming was theirs." they were very happy cause of that. then she started walking away and then turned around halfway down the hallway and saysto them "sooner or later were gonna have to pull his pacifier out of his ASS."
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 31, 2006 8:06:36 GMT 1
Trials, tribulations, and savage humor!
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
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Post by The March Hare on Mar 31, 2006 8:07:22 GMT 1
Painful Golfing Injury
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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. She yelled "fore" but it was too late.
The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.
The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"
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Post by marmaris98 on Mar 31, 2006 9:32:51 GMT 1
they made me laugh
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Post by marmaris98 on Mar 31, 2006 15:44:38 GMT 1
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour if it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to goahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 1, 2006 7:34:49 GMT 1
FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT LOVE AND MARRIAGE
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry.
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin.
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes).
"In married life three is company and two none."
Oscar Wilde (...more Oscar Wilde Quotes).
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
Spike Milligan (...more Spike Milligan Quotes).
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
Socrates.
"The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs."
Oscar Wilde (...more Oscar Wilde Quotes).
"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."
Ambrose Bierce (...more Ambrose Bierce Quotes).
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes).
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
Jimmy Durante.
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 1, 2006 7:37:23 GMT 1
FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT WOMEN
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes).
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."
Mark Twain (...more Mark Twain Quotes).
"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
Charlotte Whitton.
"I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
Joan Rivers.
"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself."
Roseanne Barr.
"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."
Mark Twain (...more Mark Twain Quotes).
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes).
"Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of a woman. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses."
Ivern Boyett.
"Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing."
Sean Williamson.
"If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable."
Russell Bell
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 1, 2006 7:39:25 GMT 1
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A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 2, 2006 10:02:51 GMT 1
A funny joke where the Blonde actually wins!
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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Post by The March Hare on Apr 2, 2006 10:03:33 GMT 1
Drugs & Circular Logic
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Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, "If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I'll let you two off."
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
"I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever," the first man says.
"That's great," the judge replies. "What did you tell them?"
"I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs."
The other defendant says, "I got 100 people to give up drugs!"
"One hundred! How?" asks the judge.
"Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your not a very nice person before prison
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