Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your thingy are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your thingy. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his thingy leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up I disagree!"

[The March Hare]

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the
Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He
grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I
know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for
a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he
knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in
there

[The March Hare]

March Planned For Next August

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[The March Hare]

A woman was in her front yard, moving her lawnmower when her
atractive blonde neighbour came out of his house and went straight to
the mailbox. He opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the
house. A little while later, he came out and again he checked his
mailbox and angrily stormed back into his house. As the woman was
getting ready to mow the lawn...he came out again, marched to the
mailbox, opened it and slammed it closed. Puzzled by his actions the
woman asked hin "Is something wrong?". To which he replied, "There
certainly is!.......

My stupid computer keeps saying "YOU'VE GOT MAIL

[marmaris98]

i love "little johnny" jokes

[marmaris98]

a bear lion and chicken sitting talking about who is the hardest.
the bear says "when i roar the whole forest trembles"
the lion says "when i roar the whole jungle shakes with fear "
the chicken says " all i have to do is cough and the whole f****** world s**** itself"

[jj]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her beloved pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on
His hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the >duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few
Moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the CatScan, well it all adds up."

[jj]

marmaris98 said:

a bear lion and chicken sitting talking about who is the hardest.
the bear says "when i roar the whole forest trembles"
the lion says "when i roar the whole jungle shakes with fear "
the chicken says " all i have to do is cough and the whole f****** world s**** itself"

Excellent .................ha ha ha ha ha ha ;D ;D ;D

[The March Hare]

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested
that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy,"
he said. "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she
asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife.
"I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

[The March Hare]

>> The Ant and the Grasshopper
>>
>> THE REALITY VERSION
>>
>> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
>> his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
>> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
>> the summer away.
>>
>> Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
>>
>> The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in
>> the cold.
>>
>> THE END
>>
>>
>> THE BRITISH VERSION:
>>
>> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
>> his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
>> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
>> the summer away.
>>
>> Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
>>
>> So far, so good, eh?
>>
>> The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to
>> know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while
>> others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.
>> The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
>> grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm
>> home in Hampstead with a table laden with food.
>>
>> The British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor
>> grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
>>
>> The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the Transvestites with Starving

>> Babies Party, the Single Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the
>> Coalition against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house.
>> The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian cultural festival special from
>> Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall
Overcome."
>>
>> Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant
>> has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
>> immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
>> In response, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and
>> Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of
>> the summer.
>>
>> The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to
>> hire grasshoppers as helpers.
>> Without enough money to pay the fine and his newly imposed
>> retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden Council.
>>
>> The ant moves to France, and starts a successful AgriBiz company
>> [funded by the EU], although within weeks, his business is threatened

>> with compulsory purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant.
>>
>> The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of
>> the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the
>> government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old
>> house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
>> Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to
>> head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.00.
>>
>> The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose; The Guardian blames
>> it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of

>> despair arising from social inequity.
>> The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders,
>> praised by the government for enriching Britain's multi-cultural
>> diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana growing operation and
>> terrorise the community.
>>
>> The End

[The March Hare]

Fisherman's Tale Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up
and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes
off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man
puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy
responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to
her for 40 years."

[The March Hare]

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms.
The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all
line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no
legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the
bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can
still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides
he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the
head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and
sputtering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've
spent learning to swim with my f**king ears, then two minutes before
the whistle, some not a very nice person puts a swimming cap on me!"

[The March Hare]

Mean Things To Say To People




Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse
advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen
at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to
like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10
seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an
idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to
get my head that far up I disagree.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used
it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the
credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture
would eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against
thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found
nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that
high.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have
anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep
trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want
a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it
would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a
d**n.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely
journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity

[The March Hare]

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted
to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so
she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how
do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54
bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he
drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to
the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and
that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The
45th bus just went

[The March Hare]

Civil Servant




Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers
are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an
arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second one says: "Ha! You think that`s fast! My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then
says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He
stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

[marmaris98]

my hubby must be fast too, he finishes at 4pm but gets here for 3:15pm

[The March Hare]

Overworked




For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much
pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
* The population of this country is 237 million.
* 104 million are retired.
* That leaves 133 million to do the work.
* There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
work.
* Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.
* 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do
the work.
* Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and
City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
* At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.
* Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
* That leaves just two people to do the work.

* You and me.

* And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[The March Hare]

Prison Life vs A Full-Time Job




In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At
work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
that one.

In prison you get time off for good behaviour.
At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors
for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own loo.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time
wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

[The March Hare]

Employee Sport Preferences




After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation
announced the following results on corporate America's recreation
preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:
Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the
smaller the balls are.

[The March Hare]

8.00


Bill Clinton's limo is driving along a back country road on
the way back to Washington from camp david, when all of a
sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset,
tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so
he can pay for the damages and apologize.

They arrive at the farm house up the road, and clinton
tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his
wife what happened.

2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his
clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile
across his face.

Bill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him "I
went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents
introduced me to their 24 year old daughter who was a
finalist in the miss america pageant, they left us alone to
have sex for an hour, and when I was finished, I came
downstairs and the mother had this bag of cookies for me.

Bill says "What did you tell them?"

The driver replies "I told them I was Bill Clinton's
driver, and that I just killed the pig"