Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

Dublin Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult
to
handle.

Upon examination the zoo vet determined the problem was the gorilla was
on
heat. To make matters worse there were no male gorillas of the species
available.

While reflecting on the problem, the zoo management noticed Murphy, a
big
Irish lad from Cork, responsible for fixing the zoo's machinery.

Murphy, like most Cork boys, had little sense but seemed to possess the
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the zoo
administrator
thought they might have a solution. Murphy was approached with a
proposition.

Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £3,500?
Murphy showed some interest, but said he would have to think about it..
The following day, Murphy announced he would accept the offer but only
under
3 conditions: "First" he said "I don't want to have to kiss the gorilla.

Secondly, you must never tell anyone of this"
The zoo administrators quickly agreed to these terms, and then said what
about the 3rd condition???
"Well" Murphy said... "you gotta give me another week to come up with
the
£3,500".

[The March Hare]

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and
puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

[The March Hare]

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

[The March Hare]

The best 'dear john' letter ever

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

[The March Hare]

One day, a husband and wife were out playing golf. The husband was having trouble teaching his wife how to play, as she was quite bad.

As the wife took her shot, she aimed it badly and the ball went right through the window of a nearby house.

"Now look what your lack of skills has gotten us into! We will have to go up there and apoligise!" proclaimed the husband.

The couple knocked on the door, and it was opened by a young man in his thirties. The couple saw the broken window, and a broken bottle near it.
"I'm terribly sorry about your window", said the husband. "What can we do?"

"Well", replied the man, "i must thank you. You see, I'm a genie and have been trapped in that bottle for over 500 years. So, as your genie, you have 3 wishes. But, if you wouldnt mind, I would like to keep one for myself?"

The husband and wife pondered this, and thought it acceptable.

"Fantastic", proclaimed the genie. "So, what are your wishes?"

The husband replied, "I would like 10 million pounds a year for the rest of my life".

"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will give you a long and healthy life too!"

It was the wife's turn. "I would like a mansion in every country in the world, complete with servants."

"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will keep your home safe from bad weather and burgalars! And now for my wish. I have been stuck in that bottle for a very long time, and have forgotten what it feels like to be with a woman. If i could just spend some time with you, to fulfil my needs?"

The husband and wife pondered this and the wife asked her husband, "Honey, what do you think?"
"Well sweetheart, I think it's O.K. I love you, and would do the same for you."

So after an afternoon of the genie and wife enjoying and pleasuring each other, the Genie asked the wife, "How old are you and your husband?"
"We're both in our thirties. Why?" she replied.
"Wow, thirty years old, and you both still believe in genies

[The March Hare]

A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."


The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."

[The March Hare]

A man walked into a bar and guess what he said. ouch!

[The March Hare]

DURING A MESSY DIVORCE

A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.

"Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"

"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"

"Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your your Father?"

"No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"

The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?"

"I'd like to live with Watford Football Club" the boy replied quickly.

"Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.

"Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone"

[The March Hare]

INSULTING COUNTRIES AND PEOPLES

"The great thing about Glasgow now is that if there is a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards"
- Billy Connolly

"Each section of the British Isles has it's own way of laughing, except the Wales, which doesn't"
- Stephen Leathingy

"Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up"
- Oscar Wilde

"Apart from cheese and tulips, the main product of Holland is advocaat, a drink made from lawyers."
- Alan Coren

"To live in Australia permanently is rather like going to a party and dancing all night with your mother"
- Barry Humphries

"Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles."
- George Mikes, Hungarian writer, How To Be an Alien, 1946

"The land of my fathers, and my fathers can have it"
- Dylan Thomas on his homeland, Wales.

"America is the only nation in history which has miraculously gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilisation"
- Georges Clemenceau

"Australia may be the only country in the world in which the term "Academic" is regularily used as a term of abuse"
- Dame Leonie Kramer

"No one can be as calculatedly rude as the British, which amazes Americans, who do not understand studied insult and can only offer abuse as a substitute."
- Paul Gallico, US writer

[The March Hare]

What do you find up a clean nose? Fingerprints

[The March Hare]

Funny Signs in Great Britain (but could be anywhere)




1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all
your clothes when the light goes out.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday
kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the
teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this
door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side
entrance.)

6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles,
washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a
wonderful bargain?

7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will
be drowned. By order of the District Council.

8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments
here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't
know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field
for free, but the bull charges.

13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell
you how to get lessons.

14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard
on the door - the bell doesn't work.)

15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of
order. Please use floor below.

[The March Hare]

Mum knows best


A YOUNG MAN CALLED JOHN INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER. DURING THE
COURSE OF THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW HANDSOME
JOHN'S FLATMATE WAS. SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN THE TWO, AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS. OVER THE COURSE
OF THE EVENING, WHILE WATCHING THE TWO INTERACT, SHE STARTED TO WONDER
IF THERE WAS MORE BETWEEN JOHN AND HIS FLATMATE THAN MET THE EYE.
READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, JOHN VOLUNTEERED, "I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST BE
THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU, SIMON & I ARE JUST FLATMATES.

ABOUT A WEEK LATER, SIMON CAME TO JOHN SAYING,"EVER SINCE YOUR MOTHER
CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T
SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT DO YOU?" "WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER
JUST TO BE SURE," SAID JOHN, SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE: DEAR MOTHER, I'M
NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS
THAT IT hAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE JOHN

SEVERAL DAYS LATER, JOHN RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH READ:
DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF
HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
NOW. LOVE MUM

LESSON OF THE DAY: DON'T EVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS
FINDS OUT)

[The March Hare]

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He
was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or
the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

[The March Hare]

« Reply #369 on Today at 7:16am »

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants,
bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.

The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless,
starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Britain."

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chukling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Britain."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you make love in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In Britain, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

[jj]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.

They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.

They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous
bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of
teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides
not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss.. and then they rip each other's
clothes off .... After an intense night of passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman
rolls over and asks smiling, "Well, how was it?

The guy says:




"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[The March Hare]

7.60


1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the d**n time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.


30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in minutes.

37. The world is your urinal.

[The March Hare]

if you want to kiss your hunny but her nose is runny you may think it's funny but it's snot!

[The March Hare]

10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6 - Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax
cut saves you 50p?
2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars
in Britain.
But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and
terrorists are located.
Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration. ......

[The March Hare]

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile
and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday

[The March Hare]

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A; None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never
be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you fix a women's watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do?
A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling

at the front door, which do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.