Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

)

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

[The March Hare]

GENERALLY RUDE THINGS TO SAY

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up I disagree.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

[The March Hare]

Q: What does osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!


Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.


Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: Because the camels can't handle it


Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck


Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.


Q: Why does the Afghan Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force

[marmaris98]

Ralph's Surgery




When Ralph first noticed that his thingy



was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.






But after several weeks,
his thingy had grown to nearly twenty inches.


Ralph became quite concerned.
He was having problems dressing,
and even walking. So he and
his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial
examination, the doctor explained to the couple
that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.


How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?"
responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen
his legs, aren't you?



HAVE A NICE DAY?

[marmaris98]

oh what a shame the pictures didn't copy, they were really funny

[The March Hare]

You can save your pictures into photobucket then post them.

[marmaris98]

will do

[marmaris98]

it won't work, might be coz they are a bit rude

[jj]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the
cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to
catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by
himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive.

[The March Hare]

GENERALLY RUDE THINGS TO SAY

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a d**n.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

[The March Hare]

GENERALLY RUDE AND INSULTING FAMOUS FOLK

"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge talking about Mozart

"Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?"
- Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

"I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me."
- Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson

"I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."
- Groucho Marx

"Actually, I never liked Dylan's kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear."
- Mick Ronson

"Here lies my wife: here let her lie !
Now she's at rest and so am I"
- John Dryden on his wife

"If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting."
- Herman J. Mankiewicz

"He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats."
- Roger Gellert on John Cleese

"A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs."
- Friedrich Nietzsche on Dante

"The biggest no-talent I ever worked with."
- Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly

"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
- Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley

"It is only too easy to catch people's attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before."
- Charivari on Claude Monet

[The March Hare]

EVEN MORE GENERALLY RUDE THINGS TO SAY

If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.

If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.

Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.

Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.

I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.

I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?

Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.

I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.

When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.

I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.

I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.

I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

[The March Hare]

YO MOMMA'S SO FAT

Yo momma's so fat,
she makes Free Willy look like a tic tac

Yo momma's so fat,
when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials

Yo momma's so fat,
the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale

Yo momma's so fat,
when she steps on the scale it says one at a time please

Yo momma's so fat,
when she steps on the scale it says sorry we don't do livestock

Yo momma's so fat,
when she goes to a restaurant she gets and estimate

Yo momma's so fat,
at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies " yes Please"

Yo momma's so fat,
when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"

Yo momma's so fat,
she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.

Yo momma's so fat,
she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.

Yo momma's so fat,
Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo momma's so fat,
she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.

Yo mama so fat,
that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.


Yo momma's so fat,
I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo momma's so fat,
when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

Yo mama' so fat,
she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!

Yo momma's so fat,
they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo momma's

[The March Hare]

Chinese torture

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I’m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, and entered the house.

Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man, as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1.... Large rock on chest." ‘Well, that’s pretty crappy,’ he thought. ‘If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.’ He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read "Chinese Torture 3.... Right testicle tied to bed post."

[The March Hare]

RUDER THINGS TO SAY

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.

Man alive! But I wish you weren't.

I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.

You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.

You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.

We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.

I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.

There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.

All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.

I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.

Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.

People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.

Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!

We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.

When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.

The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.

You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.

All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?

I heard you have hair on your chest, and that`s not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.

No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.

There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.

Sit down and give your mind a rest.

[The March Hare]

davis
Date: 02/27/06 16:38:37
To: bob davis


This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries

[The March Hare]

The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients.

After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank's business relationship.

So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.

The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have".

One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build".

Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.

Surely the king could not possibly fulfil this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long thingy."

The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".

[The March Hare]

ON THE SUBJECT OF WOMEN

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."
- Oliver Herford

"A wife of 40 should be like money You should be able to change her for two of 20"
- Anon

"She tells enough white lies to ice a cake"
- Dorothy Parker

"She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together."
- John Cantu

"My wife asked what it would take to make her look good I said "About a mile" "
- Anon

"She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it."
- Bob Fosse

"Some women are BLONDE on their Mother's side, some from their Father's side - she is from Peroxide."
- Anon

"She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age."
- Oscar Levant talking about Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed."
- Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono

"Brassy, brazen witch on a mortgaged broomstick, a steamroller with cleats."
- Walter Kerr on Ethel Merman

[The March Hare]

I went to the Pre-ejaculation Clinic today. The problem was that when I got there everyone was gone. I guess I came early.

[The March Hare]

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She
got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple
went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked
Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar. The
couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured
she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd
it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy