Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

> >>Illegal Immigrants Poem
> >
> >
> > I cross ocean, poor and broke,
> > Take bus, see employment folk.
> > Nice man treat me good in there,
> > Say I need to see welfare.
> > Welfare say, "You come no more,
> > We send cash right to your door."
> > Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy,
> > N.H.S it keep you healthy!
> > By and by, I got plenty money,
> > Thanks to you, English dummy.
> > Write to friends in motherland,
> > Tell them 'come fast as you can.'
> > They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
> > I buy big house with welfare bucks
> > They come here, we live together,
> > More welfare cheques, it gets better!
> > Fourteen families, they moving in,
> > But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
> > Finally, white guy moves away,
> > Now I buy his house, and then I say,
> > "Find more aliens for house to rent."
> > And in the yard I put a tent.
> > Send for family they just trash,
> > But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
> > Everything is very good,
> > And soon we own the neighborhood.
> > We have hobby it's called breeding,
> > Welfare pay for baby feeding.
> > Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
> > We get free! We got no bills!
> > English crazy! He pay all year,
> > To keep welfare running here.
> > We think England darn good place!
> > Too darn good for the white man race.
> > If they no like us, they can scram,
> > Got lots of room in Pakistan.
> >

[jj]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condo m she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted

[marmaris98]

another tena lady moment

[The March Hare]

Viagra

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, Rogaine is Minoxodil, and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin

[The March Hare]

Embarrassing situations

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Um, Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200

[The March Hare]

A Mothers Dictionary

Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again
Bottle Feeding: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too
Defense: what you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going to let de children play outside
Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins
Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert
Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots
Full Name: what you call your child when you're mad at him
Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right
Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word
Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid
Independent: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say
Look Out!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
Prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own
Prepared Childbirth: a contradiction in terms
Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it
Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours
Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
Storeroom: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything
Temper Tantrums: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children
Thunderstorm: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed
Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies
Two-Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises
Verbal: able to whine in words
Weaker Sex: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out
Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house
Whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge

[The March Hare]

For you lexiophiles

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN downunder.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

[The March Hare]

Gossip

Joan, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

However, she made a mistake when she recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night. Her gossiping ceased

[marmaris98]

funny

[jj]

An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants,
bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.

The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless,
starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Britain."

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chukling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Britain."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you make love in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In Britain, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

[The March Hare]

Revenge and a cheap beer

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir,! that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.

"Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?".

The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business

[The March Hare]

Tommy came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside Lel who was already asleep.He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Tommy, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Tommy was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Tommy was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Tommy, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Tommy

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard Lel shouting "Tommy, wake up you drunken bastard, you're nutsting the bed

[The March Hare]

> >>Subject: Church Joke --->
> >An elderly couple was attending a Church service, when about halfway
> >through
> >she leans over and says, “I just had a silent fart. What do you think I
> >should do?”
> >
> >He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
> >

[The March Hare]

.”
> >
> >******************************************************************
> > >>>> Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and
> > >>>> went into a deep coma.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up
> > >>>> and sees that she is no longer pregnant;
> > >>>> frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor
> > >>>> replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a girl.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and
> > >>>> had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and
> > >>>> named them.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me
> > >>>> brother...he's a fecking, clueless, gob****e!" Expecting the
> > >>>> worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
> > >>>> "Denise," says the doctor.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow,
> > >>>> that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my
> > >>>> brother....I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
> > >>>>
> > >>>>
> > >>>> Denephew

[The March Hare]

> >AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE ----
> >
> > > A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and
> >said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
> > > "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
> > > The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
> > >screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She
> > >pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
> > >screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
> > > The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
> > >"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
> > >"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
> >
> >****************************************************************

[The March Hare]

> >****************************************************************
> >
> >
> > Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick
to
> >commit suicide. Let's see now. . . .
> >
> > No Jesus
> >
> > No Christmas
> >
> > No television
> >
> > No cheerleaders
> >
> > No baseball
> >
> > No football
> >
> > No hockey
> >
> > No golf
> >
> > No tailgate parties
> >
> > No Wal-Mart
> >
> > No Home Depot
> >
> > No pork BBQ
> >
> > No hot dogs
> >
> > No burgers
> >
> > No chocolate chip cookies
> >
> > No lobster
> >
> > No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
> >
> > No gumbo
> >
> > No jambalaya
> >
> > No Beer
> >
> > Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
> >
> > Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and
there
> >are no doctors.
> >
> > Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
> >
> > More than one wife.
> >
> > You can't shave.
> >
> > Your wives can't shave.
> >
> > You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over
burning
> >camel dung.
> >
> > The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
> >
> > Your bride is picked by someone else.
> >
> > She smells just like your donkey.
> >
> > But your donkey has a better disposition.
> >
> > Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
> >
> > I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
> >

[jj]

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[jj]

Giz a Job


A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said

"Hi, I'm lookin' for a job."
The man behind the counter paused, then replied

"Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job,
meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays.
The salary package is £200,000 a year.".

The scouser said "Nah, you're bullsh!tting me!".

The man behind the counter said "Well you ***!!'** started it!".

[The March Hare]

To Not a joke put a good story
Subject: joe

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO, HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER.

THESE ARE SOME OF THE REASONS WHY:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail":

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails, took away their weights, cut off all but "G" movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again, only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied," So they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs."

He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."

He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.

More on the Arizona Sheriff:

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.

Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.

"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 year. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates:"It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your d**ned mouths!"

Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.

Sheriff Joe was just re-elected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona.

[The March Hare]

Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your hues! band." The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it