|
|
Post by The March Hare on Feb 23, 2006 8:50:33 GMT 1
United and City Fans Car Crash
A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.
"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the City fan "I agree" replies the United fan
The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.
"Look" he says to the united fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"
He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.
"Aren't you having any?" asks the United fan. "No" replied the City fan, "I think I’ll wait til the Police get here
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Feb 23, 2006 8:51:33 GMT 1
MEDICAL SHOCK
A Ballerina goes to the Doctor,
Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind, every time I pirouette I bottom burp" she cries.
Hmmm," says the Doctor, I'd like to see that if possible"
The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... Bottom burps loudly.
Thats amazing, do it again,"
Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud bottom burp
Hmmm," says the Doctor "I think I may be able to help" he bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious barbed hook on the end.
The ballerina starts back in alarm,
What the fxxxxx? are you going to do with that?she asks,
Opening the window, it stinks in here for Gods sake
|
|
|
|
Post by marmaris98 on Feb 23, 2006 12:54:48 GMT 1
Thats 6 stars not 4  never counted  |
|
|
|
Post by marmaris98 on Feb 23, 2006 13:00:46 GMT 1
tena lady moment bob
|
|
|
|
Post by marmaris98 on Feb 23, 2006 13:01:29 GMT 1
Thats 6 stars not 4 richard ? ;D  |
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Feb 23, 2006 13:39:27 GMT 1
Thats 6 stars not 4 richard ? ;D Ok I believe you  |
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Feb 24, 2006 8:44:02 GMT 1
bob davis
Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary
Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
SWIPEOUT: A credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. (Big Brother maybe???)
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Feb 24, 2006 8:44:55 GMT 1
DNA
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Feb 24, 2006 8:47:43 GMT 1
10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Feb 24, 2006 8:50:20 GMT 1
More words that don't exist but should
1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
6) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
7) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
8) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
9) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Feb 24, 2006 8:51:47 GMT 1
Definitions
Cigarette :
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Divorce :
Future tense of marriage.
Lecture :
An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing
through "the minds of either"
Conference :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears :
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room :
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn :
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth
|
|
|
|
Post by marmaris98 on Feb 24, 2006 16:45:28 GMT 1
not really a joke but funny, and maybe a bit true
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish...........................................49
Adventurous..................................Slept with everyone
Athletic.........................................No tits
Average looking.............................Ugly
Beautiful...................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...........................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure........................On medication
Feminist........................................Fat
Free spirit......................................Junkie
Friendship first...............................Former very *friendly* person
Fun...............................................Annoying
New-Age................................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned.................................No BJs
Open-minded................................. Desperate
Outgoing........................ ...............Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate............................... ....Sloppy drunk
Professional...................................pregnant dog
Voluptuous.................................... Very Fat
Large frame................................. ..Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate............................Stalker
|
|
|
|
Post by marmaris98 on Feb 24, 2006 16:46:49 GMT 1
WOMEN'S ENGLISH [ TRANSLATED ]
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
|
|
|
|
Post by marmaris98 on Feb 24, 2006 16:47:36 GMT 1
MEN'S ENGLISH [ TRANSLATED ]
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
|
|
|
|
Post by marmaris98 on Feb 24, 2006 16:50:40 GMT 1
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Feb 24, 2006 20:10:46 GMT 1
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Feb 25, 2006 8:56:24 GMT 1
Dictionary by Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to another woman.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing cricket without a box.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the lads.
BUM (bum) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
male: The organ for mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Sex
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What women do while the man is shagging
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Feb 25, 2006 8:57:09 GMT 1
Shopping Mathematics
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Feb 25, 2006 8:59:27 GMT 1
New dictionary
Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing just one letter and supplying a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
2. Reindarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
4. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit).
9. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Glibido: All talk and no action.
11. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you have been smoking marijuana.
And the pick of the year:
12. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole
|
|
|
|
Post by The March Hare on Feb 25, 2006 9:00:33 GMT 1
>>A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant,
>>and the wife keeps staring at an old drunken man swigging his gin as
he
>>sits alone at a nearby table, until the husband asks,
>>
>>"Do you know him?"
>>
>>"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-husband. He took to drinking
>>right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been
>>sober since."
>>
>>"My God!" says the husband,
>>
>>"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
>
|
|
