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Post by The March Hare on Feb 21, 2006 9:36:21 GMT 1
A variation on the old light bulb jokes
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells, the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
A CATHOLIC CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, so you move the bull to another parish.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A NORFOLK CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
... but the other one is your sister
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 21, 2006 17:51:30 GMT 1
Two British nuns, Sister Carol and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in a car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!!" shouts Sister Carol. "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on; that will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Carol switches them on, which knocks the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Carol.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
Sister Carol opens the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY xxxxxxxx CAR!!"
__________________
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Post by jj on Feb 21, 2006 18:01:18 GMT 1
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 21, 2006 18:24:06 GMT 1
Smart Alex?
Teacher(is trying to teach pupils about magents): This morning we are going to talk about something that starts with the letter "M".It has six letters and picks up things?
Smart alex: I know, Mother
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 21, 2006 20:58:08 GMT 1
Blonde, Brunette and RedHead
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
__________________
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Post by jj on Feb 22, 2006 8:33:40 GMT 1
Blonde LOGICTwo blondes living in Kansas were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...  ??"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 22, 2006 8:58:05 GMT 1
Car trouble
"What's wrong with your car?" a policeman asked as he approached a woman at roadside.
"I don't know. It just stopped running."
The policeman looked at the dashboard. ''It's obviosly out of gas,'' he said. "See? The needle is pointing to 'empty'."
"Empty?'' the woman said. "I thought the 'E' stood for 'enough'."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 22, 2006 8:59:18 GMT 1
Round Table
King Arthur has a beautiful wife. The problem is, the knights of the round table keep shagging her. He goes to Merlin, and explains the situation. Merlin says, "I've got just the thing." He pulls a out pair of metal knickers, with a hole in the bottom. Arthur says, "They're no good." But Merlin puts his wand through the hole, and a blade appears and chops his wand in half. Arthur takes them, and padlocks them to his wife. He goes away for a fortnight.
When he returns he lines up all his knights and tells them to drop their pants. All of the knights except one have half their thingy lopped off. Arthur said, "You have disgraced the knights of the round table, Go away, and may I never see you again." He comes to the remaining knight Sir Lancelot and says, "For your loyalty, I will give you half of my empire. Lancelot said, "Fank you thirr
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 22, 2006 9:00:37 GMT 1
YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. ( Tommy is excluded for obvious reasons )
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 22, 2006 9:01:31 GMT 1
Winston Churchills Sleepy Reply
A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?"
Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 22, 2006 16:28:44 GMT 1
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck,
"Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too.
Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
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Post by jj on Feb 22, 2006 17:03:47 GMT 1
Ha ha ha very good ...like it  |
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Post by jj on Feb 22, 2006 17:12:40 GMT 1
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...
When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.
I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big ****
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 22, 2006 17:41:33 GMT 1
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend... When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend. I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big **** What? ?? |
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 22, 2006 19:33:16 GMT 1
wallet
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 22, 2006 21:11:53 GMT 1
Thats 6 stars not 4  |
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 22, 2006 21:34:30 GMT 1
This is creepy!
Think of a letter between
A and W.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Keep going ............................ . .
Don't stop . . ..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of
either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Almost
there........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.
.
.
.
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Of course they f**kin dont.......
.
.
.
.Now smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
e-mail games
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 23, 2006 8:47:18 GMT 1
SEX ON THE SABBATH
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
He goes to minister... a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 23, 2006 8:48:38 GMT 1
A Wife Or A Mistress?
An accountant, architect & artist are discusing which is better a wife or a mistress.
The architect says "I prefer a wife, because it's the foundations of a strong relationship that can be built upon for the future."
The artist says "I'd rather have a mistress for the passion".
The accountant says "I'd like both".
The other too are stunned and the artist asks "Why both???"
The accountant explains "Well, while they both think I'm spending time with the other one. I can go to the office and get some work done !".
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 23, 2006 8:49:33 GMT 1
Elton , Kylie and Robbie
Elton John, Kylie Minogue and Robbie Williams went for a night on the town.
As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club.
Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt and gave her a good rear-ender.
"Its your turn now, Elton" grinned Robbie but Elton started crying.
Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Elton? What's wrong?"
Elton sobbed "I can't get my head between the railings!"
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??"
