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Post by The March Hare on Feb 18, 2006 16:35:31 GMT 1
this isn't a joke but it was funny........... we were sitting on the plane one year waiting to take off, it was really quiet and a little boy a few seats away shouted "look at the size of that condom dad ", he was looking at the wind sock!!! What did his dad say you ant seen nothing son.  |
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 18, 2006 20:31:16 GMT 1
i think he just sshushed him, but the whole plane was in fits if laughter
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 19, 2006 11:17:05 GMT 1
Jokes Index << Previous | Next >>
A THEORY OF CREATION
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 19, 2006 11:18:51 GMT 1
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba."
Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Dat ain't Bubba."
"How can you tell?" asked the mortician.
"Cause Bubba had two not a very nice persons," replied Billy-Joe. "Two not a very nice persons? That's impossible!" said the mortician.
"Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two not a very nice persons, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two not a very nice persons!"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 19, 2006 11:20:02 GMT 1
A feisty 80-year-old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "a can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "six."
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
Sternly, the judge said, "What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 19, 2006 11:20:33 GMT 1
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 19, 2006 11:21:25 GMT 1
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."
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Post by jj on Feb 20, 2006 7:57:27 GMT 1
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 20, 2006 8:46:01 GMT 1
I like that JJ
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 20, 2006 8:47:58 GMT 1
Bin Laden
Apparently, they've found Bin Laden, hiding in the Manchester United trophy room. He said it reminded him of his cave in Afghanistan; Large, dark, empty... and just been taken over by Americans
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 20, 2006 8:50:28 GMT 1
Charles & the Genie
Prince Charles was reversing his Land Rover out of the garage when he ran over the Queen's favorite corgi. He got out and found the corgi dead, squashed to a pulp. Just then a Genie popped up and said "Your highness I can give you one wish. What would you like?"
The Prince said "This is mummy's favorite dog. Can you bring it back to life?".
So the Genie said "Let's have a look at the dog." "Oh no, nothing can be done with this dog, you ran over it with the Land Rover there is too much damage to the dog ... nothing can be done".
"But you must," says the Prince, "It's mummy's favorite!".
"I'm sorry" said the Genie, "there's no way I can bring it back to life".
"OK" said the prince, "But do I still have a wish?".
"Yes", said the Genie.
"Well", said the Prince, "I'm marrying Camilla in April, could you make her as beautiful as Diana was?".
The Genie thought for a while then said "Let's have another look at the dog".
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 20, 2006 8:52:02 GMT 1
Switching Sides
A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party.
"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through… Why change now?"
The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 20, 2006 8:53:18 GMT 1
Official language of the EU
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish.
The agreed plan is as follows:
In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.
By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be applid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Ater zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer ...
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
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Post by jj on Feb 20, 2006 17:12:48 GMT 1
Oh good I thought I may have been told off again for being naughty!!!  |
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 20, 2006 17:33:07 GMT 1
Oh good I thought I may have been told off again for being naughty!!! Me as if I would.  |
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 20, 2006 18:02:12 GMT 1
nah, i wouldn't tell you off neither
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Post by jj on Feb 20, 2006 20:07:41 GMT 1
Oh good I thought I may have been told off again for being naughty!!! Me as if I would. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm |
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 21, 2006 9:32:23 GMT 1
SISTER SUSAN PILES ON THE POUNDS
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 21, 2006 9:33:13 GMT 1
Speeding ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 21, 2006 9:34:03 GMT 1
warning has been issued by West Yorkshire Police
This warning has been issued by West Yorkshire Police
Clubbers in the North of England have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths........
This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum'.
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