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Post by The March Hare on Feb 16, 2006 8:37:07 GMT 1
FINAL REQUESTS
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.
"Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi.
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 16, 2006 8:37:55 GMT 1
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 16, 2006 8:39:31 GMT 1
Subject: Money
MONEY....
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy a Position
But not Respect
It can buy Medicine
But not Health
It can buy Sex
But not Love
Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I
tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want
to take away your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
I ACCEPT CASH, POSTAL ORDERS,
PERSONAL CHEQUES, CASHIERS CHEQUES,
BAGS OF GOLD, BARS OF PLATINUM, ETC
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 16, 2006 15:38:29 GMT 1
sorry bob, got no money
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 16, 2006 15:52:44 GMT 1
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 16, 2006 16:14:23 GMT 1
i owe so many of those out you would have a long wait
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 17, 2006 8:55:25 GMT 1
PETER KAY QUESTIONS:
1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10 What is the speed of darkness?
11 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at The Special Olympics?
12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
18 Can you cry under water?
19 What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?
23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
26 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? They're still going to see you naked anyway.
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 17, 2006 8:57:25 GMT 1
God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."
God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 17, 2006 8:58:08 GMT 1
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 17, 2006 8:59:33 GMT 1
davis
Date: 02/13/06 16:06:16
To: bob davis
1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.
2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.
3. "Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no peanut butter left.
4. "It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?
6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.
7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.
8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?
11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.
12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?
13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.
14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a thong bikini.
16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.
17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: What did you catch me at?
18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.
19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.
20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.
21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.
22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.
23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.
24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.
25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.
26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 17, 2006 9:01:21 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: Why don't blonds play frisbee?
A: It hurts their teeth.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
__________________
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 17, 2006 9:02:26 GMT 1
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 17, 2006 11:03:56 GMT 1
3 men sitting in a sauna. Heard a bleeping sound. The American pressed his arm and the bleep stopped. That was my pager he said. I have a microchip in my arm. Phone rings. the Japanese man puts palm to his ear - that was my mobile, I have a chip in my hand. Irish man not to be outdone, goes to toilet. Comes back from toilet with paper hanging from his arse. The others tared at him ....bjaisus, will u look at that, I'm getting a fax!!!
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Post by Emma on Feb 17, 2006 16:26:44 GMT 1
What's black and white and tells the pope to **** off?
A nun that's just won the Lottery
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 18, 2006 8:41:57 GMT 1
ADAM AND EVE, THE MENNONITES
Q. How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?
A. Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 18, 2006 8:42:28 GMT 1
THE BLIND MAN AND THE RABBI
A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.
Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this nuts?"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 18, 2006 8:43:29 GMT 1
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive barmitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 18, 2006 8:44:38 GMT 1
)
Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods. He found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden ...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,
"I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life . . . . . As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
THEN POOF! . . . . she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,
"Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the girl thingy willows."
Harry yells back......
"DON'T SWING FRED!!! DON'T SWING!!!!!"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 18, 2006 8:46:07 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old
son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and he boy asks, "What
are these, Dad?"
To which the man replies, "Those are called condoms,
son....
Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see", replied
the boy pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3
and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.
"One for Friday,one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the
boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these
for?" "Those are for college men" the dad answers,
"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for
Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he
asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad
replied, "Those are for married men.....
One for January, one for February, one for March...."
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 18, 2006 11:01:20 GMT 1
this isn't a joke but it was funny...........
we were sitting on the plane one year waiting to take off, it was really quiet and a little boy a few seats away shouted "look at the size of that condom dad ", he was looking at the wind sock!!!
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