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Post by The March Hare on Feb 12, 2006 11:29:11 GMT 1
Golfing With The Wife
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A man staggers into casualty with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the ... well that's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
__________________
H
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Post by jj on Feb 13, 2006 7:08:58 GMT 1
THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2005: Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that!] Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!] Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair >trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect >Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those >beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the Winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?
Now that you've smiled at least once, 
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 13, 2006 9:04:59 GMT 1
UPSETTING THE STEWARDESS
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"
The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 13, 2006 9:06:15 GMT 1
AT THE GORILLA ENCLOSURE
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 13, 2006 9:07:38 GMT 1
A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.
The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.
He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."
The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."
The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 14, 2006 10:09:57 GMT 1
no jokes today bob
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 14, 2006 15:21:40 GMT 1
Didn't get chance to put them on this morning Julie will put them on later. |
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 14, 2006 17:54:16 GMT 1
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"
The second one replies "Must be the cobbles"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 14, 2006 17:55:05 GMT 1
NOW, THAT REMINDS ME
There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was so the first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"
The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to "Thou shall not steal" someone will confess to the crime."
The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said.
The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 14, 2006 17:56:01 GMT 1
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.
The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"
The kid said, "Yep."
"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 14, 2006 17:58:14 GMT 1
A PLAUSIBLE EXPLANATION
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 14, 2006 17:59:45 GMT 1
GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS
God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a thingy and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 14, 2006 20:34:32 GMT 1
Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the
bush. You have AIDS."
Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 3 raw chilli's, 40 walnuts,
40 peanuts, all topped off with 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, washed down
with a litre of prune juice."
Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your @rse is
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 15, 2006 9:14:18 GMT 1
A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!".
The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!"
To which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 15, 2006 9:15:01 GMT 1
ON A LONG JOURNEY
A catholic priest and a rabbi find them sitting next to each other on a long journey, and so after some hesitation start to talk to each other. After discussing the weather and the cricket, the priest turns to the rabbi and says that he thought it was rather strange that he was not allowed to eat pork, and asked him whether he ever had.
The rabbi replied, "Well, when I was a small boy, I did in fact taste a small piece of bacon."
"What was it like?" asked the priest.
The rabbi replied: "Not nearly as good as sex
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 15, 2006 9:15:54 GMT 1
THE RABBI AND THE POPE DO PHONE
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusally fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord." The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.
After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.
He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira" ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.
A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In The the Chief Rabbi's chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.
After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter.Shekel 50" ($0.42).
The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap?"
The Rabbi smiles, "Local call
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 15, 2006 9:17:09 GMT 1
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 15, 2006 10:21:53 GMT 1
great
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 16, 2006 8:35:42 GMT 1
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 16, 2006 8:36:29 GMT 1
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."
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