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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 10, 2006 18:25:50 GMT 1
one of my daughters jokes:
why did the cornflake cross the road?
to get away from the cereal killer
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 10, 2006 20:02:36 GMT 1
is bob away with the fairies again Am I getting blamed for something when I am not even here. |
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 10, 2006 20:05:51 GMT 1
A woman sitting in an Adelaide reastaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian, sitting at the next table turned to look at her. "Kin ya swalla ?" asked Kenzie. The woman signalled, "No," desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe ?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head, "No." With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her nickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Brian said in admiration, "Ya know Kenzie, I've heard of that bloody Hind Lick manoeuvre, but that's the first time I've ever seen someone do it." Like ie Emma and there is me trying to keep it kleen  |
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Post by Emma on Feb 10, 2006 21:41:57 GMT 1
A woman sitting in an Adelaide reastaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian, sitting at the next table turned to look at her. "Kin ya swalla ?" asked Kenzie. The woman signalled, "No," desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe ?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head, "No." With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her nickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Brian said in admiration, "Ya know Kenzie, I've heard of that bloody Hind Lick manoeuvre, but that's the first time I've ever seen someone do it." Like ie Emma and there is me trying to keep it kleen I know. It's not something I'd usually post but it made me howl with laughter and I wanted to share it with you all  |
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Post by jj on Feb 11, 2006 6:47:15 GMT 1
is bob away with the fairies again I think so!! ;D |
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Post by jj on Feb 11, 2006 6:48:19 GMT 1
Like ie Emma and there is me trying to keep it kleen I know. It's not something I'd usually post but it made me howl with laughter and I wanted to share it with you all No problem Emma carry on!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 11, 2006 9:12:36 GMT 1
THE INFAMOUS GOONY BIRD
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 11, 2006 9:13:35 GMT 1
THE CRISTMAS PARROT
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.
The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for; a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing:
"Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 11, 2006 9:15:15 GMT 1
THREE WISHES
A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.
"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."
The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.
"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"
Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"
The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 11, 2006 9:17:10 GMT 1
Date: 02/07/06 15:53:09
To: bob davis
#1
Smart Dogs
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four men were bragging
about how smart their dogs were.
One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog.
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk,
took out some paper and a pen,
and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.
The accountant said that his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen
and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into four equal piles
of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that that was good.
The chemist said that his dog could do better still.
he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge,
took out a quart of milk,
got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard,
and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said,
"What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet,
ate the cookies, drank the milk,
claimed he had injured his back while doing so,
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for worker' compensation,
and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They all agreed that that was brilliant!
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Post by jj on Feb 11, 2006 15:09:31 GMT 1
The Golden Toilet
There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.
After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.
Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.
This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 11, 2006 18:44:16 GMT 1
The Golden Toilet There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers. After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was. Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet. This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!" Funny how he happend to be named Bob isn't it |
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 11, 2006 18:44:35 GMT 1
The Golden Toilet There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers. After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was. Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet. This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!" Funny how he happend to be named Bob isn't it |
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 11, 2006 20:58:47 GMT 1
oooooooo double clicking again
i heard that one , but it was a saxaphone
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 11, 2006 21:19:08 GMT 1
oooooooo double clicking again i heard that one , but it was a saxaphone It was my saxaphone. |
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Post by jj on Feb 12, 2006 7:46:28 GMT 1
Tut tut double clicking bob!!!!!!
you have got your naughty head on haven't you ? ;D
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 12, 2006 11:25:57 GMT 1
A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there's a funny seen the dog starts laughing. A little later on there's a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying.
This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out.
In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, "That's truly amazing!"
"It certainly is" The dog owner replied, "He hated the book!"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 12, 2006 11:26:37 GMT 1
INTELLIGENCE FACTOR
A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.
Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before.
About an hour later the two birds march back in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!'
The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.
She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 12, 2006 11:27:54 GMT 1
A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.
His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 12, 2006 11:28:24 GMT 1
davis
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.
They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
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