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Post by The March Hare on Feb 9, 2006 8:47:59 GMT 1
Forehead
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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix
the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?
I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a d**n carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is
working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was
either make love to him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 9, 2006 8:48:51 GMT 1
THE GIANT GORILLA
There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.
But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.
Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.
He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him.
He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.
He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.
The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.
The gorilla!
It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.
The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it!”
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 9, 2006 8:50:15 GMT 1
whats that for?
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A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.
Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says
"I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful,
you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose.
May I call on you tomorrow?"She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it
she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned.
"What was that for?" he asked
She said "I looked up rambling rose on the internet last night and it said "Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall."
__________________
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Post by jj on Feb 9, 2006 20:26:58 GMT 1
Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.
"Why?" asks his father.
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".
"But that's right," said his father.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the F****** difference?" asks his father.
"That's what I said!"
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Post by jj on Feb 9, 2006 20:28:10 GMT 1
Two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you in for?"
"I'm getting my tonsils out - I'm a little worried," said Tim.
"Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jelly I wanted for two weeks!"
"Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"
"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is!" Sammy answered.
"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
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Post by jj on Feb 9, 2006 20:29:11 GMT 1
There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling what they had brought.
"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.
"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second.
"I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window."
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Post by jj on Feb 9, 2006 20:31:29 GMT 1
Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 9, 2006 21:47:41 GMT 1
Good ones Jude keep em coming.  |
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 10, 2006 9:08:28 GMT 1
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 10, 2006 9:09:14 GMT 1
THE WITTLE WABBITS
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 10, 2006 9:10:17 GMT 1
<< Previous | Next >>
BIZARRE REAL LIFE ANIMAL LAWS
In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.
Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.
In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.
In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.
In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.
In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.
In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.
In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.
In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.
French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.
Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.
Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.
In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.
It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump.
Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.
In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.
In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter.
You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.
In Wanassa, New Jersey, a dog is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying."
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 10, 2006 9:12:31 GMT 1
#1
Do Women Reaaly Have The BraIns?
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God was just about done creating humans,
but he had two parts left over and couldn't quite
decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.
He thought He might just as well ask them.
He told them one of the things He had left was a thing
that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them,
"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged,
"Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that!
It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have.
Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"
On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly,
he could have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place -
first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand,
and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away -
laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve,
"Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve. "Brains," said God
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Post by The March Hare on Feb 10, 2006 9:13:38 GMT 1
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Four men were bragging
about how smart their dogs were.
One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog.
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk,
took out some paper and a pen,
and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.
The accountant said that his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen
and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into four equal piles
of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that that was good.
The chemist said that his dog could do better still.
he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge,
took out a quart of milk,
got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard,
and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said,
"What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet,
ate the cookies, drank the milk,
claimed he had injured his back while doing so,
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for worker' compensation,
and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They all agreed that that was brilliant
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 10, 2006 9:29:20 GMT 1
love the penguin joke
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 10, 2006 9:31:37 GMT 1
and the wabbit one
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Post by Emma on Feb 10, 2006 14:05:41 GMT 1
A woman sitting in an Adelaide reastaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Kenzie and Brian, sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
"Kin ya swalla ?" asked Kenzie.
The woman signalled, "No," desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe ?" asked Brian.
The woman shook her head, "No."
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her nickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration, "Ya know Kenzie, I've heard of that bloody Hind Lick manoeuvre, but that's the first time I've ever seen someone do it."
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 10, 2006 15:22:32 GMT 1
emma i laughed out loud to that one......................tena pants moment
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Post by Emma on Feb 10, 2006 16:24:49 GMT 1
emma i laughed out loud to that one......................tena pants moment Brilliant ain't it? Found it on another site and had to post it! |
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Post by jj on Feb 10, 2006 17:48:34 GMT 1
Good ones Jude keep em coming. Don't you mean JJ?  |
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Post by marmaris98 on Feb 10, 2006 18:23:09 GMT 1
is bob away with the fairies again
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