Clean Jokes Continued...

[The March Hare]

A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of pregnant doges who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of pregnant doges that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're leaving."
The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the pregnant dog in the kitchen."

[The March Hare]

So this dog walks into the bakers with a basket in his mouth. In the basket is a shopping list, some money and a note from the owner asking the assistant to put the food in the basket and take the money. The assistant does as the note instructs and the dog leaves the shop with the basket full of food.
The next week the same thing happens, the dog comes in, gets the basket filled and leaves. The same thing goes on every week for another three weeks and the assistant is dying from curiosity, so one afternoon decides to follow the dog.
Having filled the basket as usual, the assistant waits for the dog to leave, grabs her coat and follows the animal from a safe distance. The dog crosses the railway line, goes a couple of blocks into a local estate, round a corner and up to the door of a house. Then he lifts up a paw to ring the bell.
A couple of minutes later this guy comes to the door, grabs the basket and boots the dog right across the yard, slamming the door behind him. The assistant is outraged at this behaviour and decides to act.
She goes up to the door and when the man answers, demands an explanation for such cruelty.
"Look lady," the man responds, "it's quite simple. This bloody dog has got to learn, that's the second time this month he's forgotten his keys

[The March Hare]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[The March Hare]

A bit of a pickle

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his thingy into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my thingy into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
Oh, she got fired too

[The March Hare]

Ranch help

A successful rancher died and left everything to his wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So, she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was very effeminate and obviously gay.

The other was a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. The two of them worked well together and the ranch was doing very well, so one day the Rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and enjoy yourself" The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He eventually returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now, take off my stockings" He did. "Now take off my skirt" He did too. "Now take off my bra" Again, with trembling hands he did as he was told.

"Now" she said, "take off my panties". He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, you're fired!"

[The March Hare]

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.

[The March Hare]

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."

[The March Hare]

Man in a balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realised that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me. I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman replied "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a scientist" shouted the balloonist.

"I am" said the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well" answered the balloonist, "everything that you told me is presumably technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of the information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you have not been much help."

The woman responded "You must be in management."

"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well" said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are by means of a large volume of hot air. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people below you to solve your problems you have created. You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now, somehow, it is my fault!"

[The March Hare]

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," he replied, "but it happened to my sister!"

[The March Hare]

What did the elephant say ...

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: Cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

[The March Hare]

Date: 01/31/06 08:10:26
To: bob davis

One Line Actor

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent. "That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"
"Hark I hear the cannons roar" says the agent.
"Hark I hear the cannons roar?" the actor questions.
"Yes, hark I hear the cannons roar" confirms the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".
The actor is so ecstatic that he got the job that he leaves and heads straight to his favourite bar and goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening, after his bender, and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons
roar, hark I hear the cannons roar". He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're late, get up to makeup straight away."
So he runs up to make up continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'?"
"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"
So he dashes down to the stage continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Who the hell are you" asks the stage manager.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'?"
"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"Get on there, the curtains about to go up!"
So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.
Suddenly from behind him comes an enormously loud blast. BANG!
The actor shouts "F**K ME, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!!!!"

[The March Hare]

Date: 01/30/06 07:59:36
To: bob davis

There once were 2 men named Zip and Doo Dah. Zip and Doo Dah were best friends. The 2 friends decided to go fishing one day, but during their outting the boat sank, and while Zip was an expert swimmer, Doo Dah had never been one for swimming and tragically drowned.
Now Zip had a slight speaking problem; he had a terrible stutter. He was asking his friends how to tell Doo Dah's wife about the tragedy. "B-B-But I c-c-can't sp-sp-sp-speak that w-w-w-well, h-h-h-how a-a-am I g-g-g-going to t-t-t-tell h-h-h-her?" he asked?
One friend, being helpful, answered: "Well, doctors have found that when stutterers sing something, they don't usually stutter. If you can find a way to do that, then you should be fine."
Zip thought about this all day and finally went to Doo Dah's house and knocked on the door. When Doo Dah's wife answered the door, Zip sang, with tears in his eyes:
"We went fishin and guess who drowned? DOO DAH, DOO DAH!"

[The March Hare]

A Round With Harry

John comes back quite late from a day at the golf course and his wife asks "What kind of time do you call this?"

"It was terrible dear", John replies "I was playing a round with Harry and suddenly he collapsed and died at the third hole."

"That must have been awful for you dear." said John's wife.

John said "You're right, it was awful. Fifteen holes of hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry

[The March Hare]

I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede, which came in a little white ! box to use for his house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head
with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer.

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The
Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:........

[The March Hare]

I'VE GOT A BEAR BEHIND

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex."

He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him.
The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged!

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear.

The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

[The March Hare]

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.

Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."

The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

[The March Hare]

Hiking Money

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.

"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!"

"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.

"Hiking??? Come on son, tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?"

"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr Johnson from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"

__________________

[The March Hare]

Golfing without the Wife.

Two guys were being held up on the fairway by a couple of women golfers who were stood chattering.
One of the guys went off to remonstrate with the women but before he reached them he made an abrupt about turn and returned to his friend.
Well that was a bit awkward said the guy to his mate, one of those women is my wife,the other is a women I,m having an affair with.
With that his mate went off to speak to the two women, likewise he returned without speaking to them.
Talk about coincidence

[The March Hare]

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

[The March Hare]

Clocks In Heaven

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

__________________