Clean Jokes

[The March Hare]

Private Grief

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband

[The March Hare]

To: bob davis

The Painting

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."

[The March Hare]

My Daughter is Your Reward

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

[The March Hare]

My Relatives

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

[The March Hare]

S !

Regrets

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today

[The March Hare]

!

The Line-up

In heaven there were two lines. One said "Men who were bossed by their wives," and the other one said,"Men who weren't bossed by their wives".

There was a big line for the first one, but then the man who was checking peoples name in the book of life saw one man in the other line. So he told the guys to wait. He asked the man why he was in that line.

The man replied,"My wife told me to."

[The March Hare]

Black and White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

[Emma]

A True Senior Moment

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and
after eating, the wives left the table and went into the
kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said,
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really
great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...
the one that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes," the man said and then he turned toward the kitchen and
yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?"

[Emma]

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by
themselves.The lad asked, "What is this, father?"The father
(having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what
it is."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an
old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.The walls
opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman
stepped out.The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go
get your mother."

[Emma]

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked,
"Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The man said,
"No dear." The women said, "I'm sure you would." So the man
said, "Okay, I would" Then the women asked, "Would you let her
sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then
the women asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the
man replied, "No, she's left handed."

[Emma]

There were three guys working on the 50th floor of a
building. One was Mexican, one was Irish, and the other was a
blonde. Well one day they were sitting eating lunch, dangling
their feet doing nothing much.
The Mexican guy opens up his lunchbox and he takes out a
taco. He exclaims "My wife always packs me tacos for lunch!
taco's Taco's TACO'S!!! I am sick of tacos!!! Can't she pack me
something different?!?! If she gives me a taco one more time I
am going to jump off this building!!!"
The Irishman looks at him strangely, but doesn't say
anything. Expecting something yummy for lunch, there in his
lunch box is Creamed Corn and Hash. Overpowered by the
Mexican's words, he says "Every single day for the past 10 years
my wife has given me this every single day for lunch! I hate
Creamed Corn and Hash!!! I'm with you, Mexican, if I get one
more lunch of Creamed Corn and Hash, I will jump off this
building right with you!"
All the while the blonde is just sitting there eating his
sandwhich. Feeling left out, he says "I get a sandwhich every
single day too! I hate it too!! I am with you both! Tomorrow if
we all get the same lunch, we are jumping off this building!!"

The next day, they are all working patiently, just waiting
to see what they got for lunch. The day seemed to go on
forever, but finally lunch came. The Mexican guy opens up his
lunch. He finds a taco!! He gives a sigh and jumps off the
building.
The Irishman is very scared. He does not want to jump off,
but he has to. So he cautiosly opens up his lunch. And what do
you know? He has creamed corn and hash! He says good-bye to the
blonde man and jumps off screaming.
The blonde, being lonely, opens up his lunch and he finds a
sandwhich. He just shakes his head and jumps.

At the funeral, the wives of all three men are standing
around mourning together. The Mexican's wife says "If only I
didn't give him taco's everyday, he may have still been alive
today"
The Irishman's wife shakes her head in agreement, saying
"I take full responsibility in my husbands death"
They both look over at the blonde man's wife who is not
crying and ask her why she is not mourning. She replies "Don't
blame me, he made his own lunch!"

[Emma]

Fun things to do with your tv


Adjust the tint so that the people are green and insist to
others that "you like it like that"
Fiddle with all the knobs constintly
Change chanels 5 minutes before the end of each show
Take it everywhere with you
Name it
When anyone else touches the remote shriek "THATS MINE!"
Ask the people on call in shows for dates
Watch the commercials but never watch the shows
At the climax of a show "accidently" muteit until it is over
Stand in front of someone when they are watching the tv
One word" Documentries
Watch only reruns of shows
Tell people what will happen in the show your watching
Turn the tv off when guests are over and tell them you won't
turn it on until it apologizes
Dress it differently every day
When watching a sports show comment to your friends that "I
could do better"
Make you friends watch you video of how clay is made again, and
again, and again, and again.

[The March Hare]

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Subject: FW: The Bunny and the Snake
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a Team Leader, Supervisor or possibly someone in Senior Management."

[The March Hare]

freeserve.co.uk

#232 on: Today at 1:28pm » Quote Modify

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WOMAN'S DIARY
Sunday 6th November 2005
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late
meeting him - thought it might be that
The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went
somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He
hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned
the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to
bed.I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He
just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my
surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
Cried myself to sleep -I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
found someone else.

>

> BOB

>

>

>

>



MAN'S DIARY:

Sunday 6th November 2005

Chelsea got beat 1-0 by Man U. Gutted. Got a s**g though.

[The March Hare]

Subject: FW: Interesting



In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. Like THAT makes sense.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only
see their reflection in a mirror. Do they look different reversed?

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with
a brick or piece of wood at all times. A brick?

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. Much worse than
"going blind!"

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the
first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
marry. Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the
other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. Ah! Justice!

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores. But of course!

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may have sex only with her husband, and the first
time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. Makes one shudder at the
thought.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and
her daughter at the same time. I presume this was a big enough problem that
they had to pass this law?

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
Is this a great country or what? Maybe, but not as great as Guam.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking
little bottles of...? Did the government pay for this research?

[The March Hare]

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1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a*se to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest d**n thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet? If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? Ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger; just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.


ha ha love the last one

[The March Hare]

his

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We all know about the french :
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar.
"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me
out of bed and on to ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.
"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"."
"'And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. It is beneass my dignity."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp!"."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jurmp ten feet."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e
said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your a**e."
"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning"

[The March Hare]

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1,000!" she cried.
"£1,000 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £200. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds

[The March Hare]

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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he received another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a bloody toffee apple.

[Emma]

Hahahaha love that last one ;D