Clean Jokes

[Emma]

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for
dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she
wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back
and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the
coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big...very
big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought
was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't
be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial
stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but
knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't
just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up
one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot
and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around
stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second
passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear
increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "My
God", she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!" Her
heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her:
Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as
she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
shower of coins rained down on her. "Take my money and spare
me", she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll
push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble
getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly
laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average
sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for
our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He
spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a
hard time not laughing.

She thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself." She
was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,
but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly
respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to
rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on
walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her
feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the
corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room--a dozen
roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

[Emma]

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE
A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT
DOES NOT
ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)

[Emma]

Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with his
cousin.

Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he's never
seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Bob, "I'll be
with her all night."

"Don't worry," Alex says, "just go up to her door and meet her
first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as
planned. If you don't, just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake a
heart attack."

That night Bob knocks at the girl's door. When she comes out he
is awe-struck at how hot she is. He's about to speak
when the girl suddenly grabs for her chest and lets out a loud
... "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

[Emma]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's
face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin
from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered
to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and
wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin
came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their
secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had
before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about
her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome
with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to
thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could
ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the
thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the
cheek."

[The March Hare]

!

A Good Salesman

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling
Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles
for him. He interviewed three people.

The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."

"OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."

"OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"

The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to
s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi
-Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"

"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for
me!"

The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really,
n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"

As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot
at this, but I expect you to produce!"

At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8
Bibles today."

The second says, "I sold 11 Bibles today."

The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I
so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!"

"Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than
that, so get out there tomorrow and make me some money!"

At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today,
I sold 32 Bibles."

The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today."

The third worker says, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so-so, I so-, I sold 79
Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than
these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is."

Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa-
wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them
and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they
want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi -
want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d
do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to read it to 'em

[The March Hare]

!

A Man Leaves Three Pennies For A Tip

A man was eating a meal at a restaurant. He checks his pockets and leaves
his tip -- three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress
muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by
the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really?
Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too

[The March Hare]

!

Clearance Sale

Two fellows are running a store and decide to have a big blow-out clearance
sale. Within 3 hours, everything is sold from the store.

The one fellow says to the other, "Well, what now? We've sold everything."

The other replies, "Don't worry, there's this stupid customer who comes in
here everyday. We'll have a few laughs on him."

Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, the customer comes walking in, hands
in pockets, looking around. "Tell me guys," he asks, "what have you guys
got for sale today?"

One of the fellows says, "Well we're having a sale on idiots!"

The cusotmer says, "Well ya must be doing pretty good, ya only got two
left!"

[The March Hare]

Bag Boy In A Supermarket

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One
day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real
excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.

The manager says no.

The bag boy goes, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run
the juice machines?"

The manager goes, "I'm sorry, but... baggers can't be juicers."

[Emma]

Good ones Bob, thanks for cheering me up ;D
I've got a few more howlers, will copy them from my emails in a bit.

[The March Hare]

Bellboy

The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the
bellboy to take him to the 18th floor.

"Sure thing, son," replied the bellboy.

"How dare you call me son!" exclaimed the outraged man.

"Well," replied the boy, "I brought you up, didn't I?"

[The March Hare]

Bellboy

The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the
bellboy to take him to the 18th floor.

"Sure thing, son," replied the bellboy.

"How dare you call me son!" exclaimed the outraged man.

"Well," replied the boy, "I brought you up, didn't I?"

[The March Hare]

Economic Discussion

Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with
all government travellers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the
plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the
aisle.

They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the
subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one
of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could
talk and he could sleep. After switching seats, one economist remarked to
the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone
awake

[The March Hare]

Waiter And Waitress Jokes

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the
meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What," answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

-----

Waiter brings steak over with his thumb on it...
Why have you got your thumb on my steak?
It's infected, and my doctor told me to keep it warm.
Well why don't you stick it up your fat behind then?
I do that when I'm in the kitchen.

-----

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are
gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt
and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to
order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then
answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you
like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie,
please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the
face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's
pronounced 'quiche'

[The March Hare]

Check Me Out Please

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for
the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back
turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. C ould you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled
and said, "Not bad

[The March Hare]

Shoe Store

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well... they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's
feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," he says.

[The March Hare]

Tricked Department Store Clerk

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I
want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing
beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

[The March Hare]

The Rules

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a lagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
17. Every house belongs to the oldest female living there.

[The March Hare]

Getting Even

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husbands' lack of discretion shouts back...

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four

[The March Hare]

!

Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

[The March Hare]

My Daughter is Your Reward

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"