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Post by Emma on Nov 19, 2005 11:00:37 GMT 1
One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how to fly a plane.
The guy at the airport said there were no more plane flying
lessons this year but she could take helicopter lessons. The
blonde agreed and the man taught her and said, "I'll radio you
every 1000 feet you go in the air." The blonde agreed.
He jumped in and took off. At 1000 feet, she radioed him and
asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. At 2000
feet, she radioed him and asked how she was doing. He said she
was doing great. But right before she got to 3000 feet, the
propeller stopped and she started twirling to the ground. When
she landed, he went over to pull her out of the helicopter. He
asked her what went wrong because she was doing perfect before.
The blonde said, ''At 2500 feet, I started to get cold so I
turned the big fan off.
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Post by Emma on Nov 19, 2005 11:01:23 GMT 1
a blonde went to a store to by a new tv for herself. when she
got to the store she asked the clerk how much a tv cost. the
clerk said" im sorry we dont sell to blondes" the blonde feeling
a bit insulted walk away.
the next day the same blonde went ot the same store wairing a
brunette wig. she asked the same clerk how much that same tv
cost. the clerk responded " im sorry we dont sell to blondes"
the blonde feeling a bit angery left the store.
Again the blonde went to the store. this time she had a redhead
wig on. she askeed the smae clerk how much the tv cost. once
again the clerk answerd " i am sorry we dont sell to blondes"
the blond feeling a bit frusterated left the store
the next day the blonde went to the store with a black haired
wig on. she ask the clerk how much the t.v cost. once again
the clerk said" im sorry we dont sell to blondes" the blonde was
very angery. she ask the clerk how could he tell she was a
blonde when she was wairing a wig.
the clerk said " well first of all this is not a tv its a
microwave."
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Post by Emma on Nov 19, 2005 11:02:38 GMT 1
What has A Tail, Big Nose and a Trunk??
A rat on vacation!
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 20, 2005 10:14:38 GMT 1
The Pious Woman
A flood was on its way, forcing everyone to evacuate. The police rowed up to the most pious woman in town and said, "Ma'am, you have to leave this house! People are dying out here!"
The woman replied, "No, I'm not leaving. God has always helped me before, and He will do it again."
So as the water started to rise, she went to the second story of her house. Another boat came by, and the captain yelled, "Ma'am, you have to get on this boat or you're going to drown!"
The woman replied again, "No, God helped me before, and He will do it again."
The water rose even higher. This time she went to the top of the roof, where a helicopter came and hovered overhead. The pilot called into his loudspeaker, "Please climb aboard, ma'am. You are going to drown!"
The women sniffed and again replied, "God is going to save me!"
But the water rose higher, and soon she drowned to death. She went to Heaven, and there she asked God, "Why didn't you save me, O Lord?"
And God replied, "I did help--I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 20, 2005 10:15:09 GMT 1
No Beef
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his lawyer neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 20, 2005 10:15:41 GMT 1
The Materialistic Lawyer
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Mercedes in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Mercedes, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"What!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex is gone!"
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 20, 2005 10:16:11 GMT 1
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 21, 2005 8:39:35 GMT 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 21, 2005 8:41:07 GMT 1
One Liners
What do lawyers use for birth control?
- Their personalities.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
- A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
- To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
- Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
- There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
- A Doberman.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
- One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
- They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed:
- A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
- Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
- Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
- Chelsea Clinton
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
- I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
- You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 21, 2005 8:43:27 GMT 1
a
About That Donation
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 21, 2005 8:45:00 GMT 1
!
The Fall
A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet.
He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something.
HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? "HELP!"
He yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?"
"Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!"
"I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?"
"Yes, but who are you, and where are you?
"I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere."
"The Lord? You mean, GOD?"
"That's Me."
"God, please help me! I promise if, you'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life."
"Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's get you off from there; then we can talk."
"Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully."
"I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do."
"Okay. Let go of the branch.""What?" "I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go."
There was a long silence.
Finally Jack yelled, "HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 21, 2005 8:46:31 GMT 1
!
A very faithful Woman
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 21, 2005 8:48:09 GMT 1
!
Lawyer Quiz
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys!
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.
Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 22, 2005 8:53:00 GMT 1
r
The Earring
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is
wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion
sense."
"Hey Joe," he yells out, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it, it's only an earring," says Joe
sheepishly.
"No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife, Becky, found it in our bed."
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 22, 2005 8:54:30 GMT 1
Bowling
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks
down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to
use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another
and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes
its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you
got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and
then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty upset. "Where
the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this
great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to
another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You dirty liar! You
went bowling again
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 22, 2005 8:56:00 GMT 1
The Mistress
A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked
over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked
off.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.
The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want
to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your
jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"
For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged
her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.
"Hmmph..." she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 22, 2005 8:57:58 GMT 1
Savoir-Faire!
An American, an Englishman, and a Frenchman were discussing a good example
of savoir-faire.
"Well," said the American, "if you came home and found your wife in bed with
another man and you didn't him, that to me is savoir-faire."
"Not quite, chaps," said the Englishman. "If you came home and found your
wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please, sir, carry on,' that's
savoir-faire."
"Mais non," said the Frenchman. "If you came home and found your wife in
bed with another man and you said, 'Please, sir, carry on' and the man was
able to continue, he's got savoir-faire!"
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 23, 2005 8:47:07 GMT 1
Occupational Affairs
A guy and his two friends are talking at work. The first friend says, "I
think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I
came home and found wire cutters under our bed... and they _weren't_
mine."
The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber. The other day I found a pipe wrench under the bed... and _it_
wasn't mine, either!"
The third guy, who isn't very bright, says, "I think my wife is having an
affair with a horse."
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our
bed
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 23, 2005 8:48:43 GMT 1
Oil Tycoon Wants A Divorce
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce
proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterer for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a
piece of property; you don't own her!"
"That's right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive
drillin' rights
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Post by The March Hare on Nov 23, 2005 8:50:01 GMT 1
A Husband Suspects His Wife Is Having An Affair
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a
business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He
puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a
sthingy. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the
sthingy into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the sthingy
will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.
He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reaches under
the bed and retrieves the bowl.
The bowl is full of butter
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