Clean Jokes

[Emma]

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."

[Emma]

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a
blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The
blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York
and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked
the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman
asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again,
the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New
York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the thingypit
and asked the captain what to do about her.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to
handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered
in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the
economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say
so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he
said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He
said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New
York.

[Emma]

It was the final examination for an introductory English course
at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and
exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and
told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly
two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A
half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams,
and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the
late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last
student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on
the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The
student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of
superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of
the room.

[Emma]

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole
world!!

Once when Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, "Boss, I
know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him,
so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but
Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!"
then Bubba says "Pick someone and I know them!"

Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a
name.

"Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba say "Tom
Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were
kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says
"Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom
Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck
answers and Bubba says "Tom!!!" and Tom says "Bubba!" and they
hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe
it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one
person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody
else!"

This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill
Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I
do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's
boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" So
they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a
press conference. They work their way through the crowd until
Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!"
and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference
they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned
- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two
people in one country - that doesn't mean he knows everyone in
the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick
someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope!
You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pose
BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba
says "Yes he did!" So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving
Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work
their way through the crowd - without much luck - so Bubba says
"Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these
people so I tell you what - I'll work my way up there and when I
do, I'll give you a sign that show you I know the Pope!" and he
leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just
when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the
balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!

Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back
and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss!
Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what
happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says, "OK, I can see
Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton and I can even take the
Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks

'Who's that up there with Bubba?', that's a little more than I
can take!"

[Emma]

Here are some supposedly true humorous statements by several
airline flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an
effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables
and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable
position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort
you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross
in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to
retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward
announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a
video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

A frequent line used at the end of a flight is, "Our flight
attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash
receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that
you might wanna give us!"

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and
nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or
spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after
a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, one of the most bone
jarring I've experienced; The steward came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the
pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault.......it was
the asphalt!"

From a Southwest Airlines employee..."Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love
more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."

[Emma]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm
a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me", she told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes, he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: How
does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell.

[Emma]

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked
him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery
would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived,
he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest
said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people
come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The
Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest
about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the
mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell
three times this week."

[Emma]

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two
sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty
well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such
that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two
friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend
before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday,
they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with
some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time.
However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all
day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday
morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find
Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they
missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that
they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back
to campus.

Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and
relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day
at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told
them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple
about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they
thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and
then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what
they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) Which tyre?

[Emma]

How to Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you
happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile
"turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.
3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so
as to complain about how fat you're getting.
4. Turn on hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide
loofah, and pumice stone.
7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair
for fifteen minutes.
9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
until red and raw.
10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java
Cake bodywash.
11. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has
once again been EATING your ginger nut and java cake body
wash.
12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen
minutes, as you must make sure that all the conditioner has
come off).
13. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be
bothered.
14. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you
get a rush of cold water.
15. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
16. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

******************************

How to Shower Like a Man:

1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you've
walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the
floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along
the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer
belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suck
in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse.
9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area.
10. Wash your rear end.
11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.
12. Make a shampoo mohawk.
13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle.
14. Pee.
15. Repeat #9, because it felt good.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead
and dry off with it. If it doesn't smell okay, holler to your
wife to find you a clean one.
18. Return to the bedroom wearing the towel, if you pass your
wife, flash her.

[The March Hare]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."

The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?"

"Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time,I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh#t on its head

[The March Hare]

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I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.


JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.


I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

-A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun do they know
it?

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.


Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible

[The March Hare]

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11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter--ten men and
one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so
they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all
going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very
touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the
rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for
her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always
making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her
speech, all the men started clapping their hand

[The March Hare]

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When Cinderella Got Old
Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother" The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome youngman."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.,The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........


"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

[The March Hare]

»

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So, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: 'Just Released! New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now'. Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

So the world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps (and the sounds that they make) steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant...
.
"I've just realised *I was playing you the bee side."*

[The March Hare]

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There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked
him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery
would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived,
he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest
said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people
come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The
Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest
about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the
mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell
three times this week

[The March Hare]

Subject: FW: Foul Language







>>All of you ladies out there, please excuse the rough language
>> > > >>>in the following story...
>> > > >>> A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
>>When
>> > > >>>they got back,
>> > > >>> the bride immediately called her mother.
>> > > >>> "Well," said her mother, "How was the honeymoon?"
>> > > >>>
>> > > >>> "Oh Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful. So
>> > > >>>romantic....",
>> > > >>>
>> > > >>> then suddenly she burst out crying ... "But Mama, as soon
>>as we
>> > > >>>
>> > > >>> returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -
>>things
>> > > >>>I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful four letter
>>words!
>> > > >>>You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
>> > > >>>
>> > > >>> "Sarah, Sarah!" her mother said, "calm down!
>> > > >>>
>> > > >>> Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four letter
>>words?"
>> >
>> > > >>> "Please don't make me tell you mama" wept the daughter,
>>"I'm so
>> > > >>>
>> > > >>> embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME PLEASE!!"
>> >
>> > > >>> "Darling! Baby! You must tell me what has you so upset!
>>Tell
>> > > >>>your mother these horrible four letter words!"
>> > > >>>
>> > > >>> Sobbing the bride said, "Oh Mama... he used words like
>>"dust",
>> > > >>>"wash", "iron", "cook".."
>>
>> > > >>> "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
>> > >
>>
>>
>>---------------------------------
>> Yahoo! FareChase - Search multiple travel sites in one click.
>

[The March Hare]

Subject: Fw: Onions & Christmas trees



Onions & Christmas trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,

"Dad,
how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."


"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only....

[The March Hare]

Subject: Fw: Difference between Potentailly and Reastically


Subject: FW: Difference between Potentailly and Reastically





A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered,

"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars",

and then, ask your brother
"if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked,

"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The mother replied,

"Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix
up the house and send you kids to a great University!"


The boy then went to his sister and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"

The boy then went to his brother! and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days,
then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I
are sitting on three million dollars.............. but realistically,...... we're living
with two very *friendly* persons and a queer

[Emma]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for
his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old
rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . .
look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now,
don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step
aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm
taking over!" the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says
to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll
have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race
gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old
man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head
start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck
"Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the
front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his
shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly
shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought
this week!"

[Emma]

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth
move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in
such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove
Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would
have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.