Clean Jokes

[The March Hare]

!

80's Style Love Story

I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was
six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was
happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for
the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper.

He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name.
Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants,
but don't play games with my heart. He told me it was hard for him to say
he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain.
He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight this
feeling any longer. I asked him, "What's love got to do with it?" He told
me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car.

So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my
girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She was on the other line with
Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew
my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just
called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for
me, but now she was looking for a new love - hasta la vista, baby. I
thought "I can't go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!"

I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would
want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie
Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna - her sister Christian
blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen!
...no answer. Nobody told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling
like the owner of a lonely heart. Then, out of the blue, my best friend's
girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She
told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to
take on me. I said, "I thought you were Jessie's girl."

She said, "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm
on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I
f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty!

She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always
something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time
of my life. I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red
Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her.
When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on
her front door and to this rapper's delight, I heard a voice say, "Who can
it be now?" "Here I am, the one that you love," I replied. I let my love
open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes.

I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her
blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my prerogative to
bust a move. I told her, "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the
stairs, hungry like the wolf. Just then I felt an invisible touch on my
shoulder.

"Turn around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me
with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record.
He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from
beneath my wings -broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old
time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black
and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't
owe me money for nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a
prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking
about how my tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every
rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I want to know what love is. Love
stinks.

[The March Hare]

!

I Want To Be Six Again

To Whom It May Concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have
decided...

I would like to accept the responsibilities of a six year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with
rocks.

I want to think M&M's are better than money, because you can eat them.

I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art.

I want to lie under a big oak and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a
hot summers day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were
colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother
you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things
that should make you worried and upset.

I want to think that the world is fair. That everyone in it is honest and
good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. Somewhere in my youth... I
matured and I learned too much.

I learned of nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation, and abused
children. I learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain,
and death.

I learned of a world where men left their families to go and fight for our
country, and returned only to end up living on the streets... begging for
their next meal. I learned of a world where children knew how to kill...
and did!

What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever,
because we didn't grasp the concept of death? When we thought the worst
thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you
last for kickball? I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be
overly excited by little things once again.

I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music clean.

When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment and
not to promote sex, violence, and deceit.

I remember being naive and think that everyone was happy because I was.

I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and
the prettiest seashell I could find.

I would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike. I didn't
worry about time, bills, or where I was going to find the money to fix my
car.

I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, not worry
about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer
crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days
in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip,
illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power on smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,
justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the
snow.

I want to be six again.

[The March Hare]

The Sun Or The Moon

Two peasants got into an argument over which is more important to the world: the sun or the moon. They put the problem to their village council. The elders deliberated over the question for many hours before they pronounced in favor of the moon in sound logic:

"If there was no moon we would not be able to see anything at night. The sun shines only during the day when we need no light."

[The March Hare]

!

The Children Of The Eighties

We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first "lost
generation" nor today's lost generation; in fact, we think we know just
where we stand - or are discovering it as was we go.

We are the ones who played with Lego Building Blocks when they were just
building blocks and gave Malibu Barbie crewcuts with safety scissors that
never really cut.

We collected Garbage Pail Kids and Cabbage Patch Kids and My Little Ponies
and Hot Wheels and He-Man action figures and thought She-Ra looked just a
little bit like I would when I was a woman. Big Wheels and bicycles with
streamers were the way to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to
build a city.

Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Treehouse big enough for you to
be Luke and the kitchen table and an old sheet dark enough to be a tent in
the forest. Your world was the backyard and it was all you needed.

With your pink portable tape player, Debbie Gibson sang back up to you and
everyone wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a glove like Michael
Jackson's.

Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Stringsteen and The
Bangles perfectly and have no idea why. We recite lines with the
Ghostbusters and still look to The Goonies for a great adventure. We flip
through T.V. stations and stop at The A Team and Knight Rider and Fame and
laugh with The Cosby Show and Family Ties and Punky Brewster and what you
talkin' 'bout Willis?

We hold strong affections for The Muppets and The Gummy Bears and why did
they take the Smurfs off the air? After school specials were only about
cigarettes and step-families, the Pokka Dot Door was nothing like Barney,
and aren't the Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated?

We are the ones who still read Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, the Bobbsey
Twins, Beverly Clearly and Judy Blume, Richard Scary and the Electric
Company. Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn't break and friendship
pins went on shoes - preferably hightop Velcro Reeboks and pegged jeans were
in, as were Units belts and layered socks and jean jackets and jams and
charm necklaces and side pony tails and just tails.

Rave was a girl's best friend; braces with colored rubberbands made you
cool. The backdoor was always open and Mom served only red Kool-Aid to the
neighborhood kids- never drank New Coke.

Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours. All you needed to be a
princess was high heels and an apron; the Sit'n'Spin always made you dizzy
but never made you stop; Pogoballs were dangerous weapons and Chinese Jump
Ropes never failed to trip someone. In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman
or Spider Man or R2D2 and in your treehouse you were king.

In the Eighties, nothing was wrong. Did you know the president was shot?
Star Wars was not only a movie. Did you ever play in a bomb shelter?

Did you see the Challenger explode or feed the homeless man? We forgot
Vietnam and watched Tiananman's Square on CNN and bought pieces of the
Berlin Wall at the store. AIDS was not the number one killer in the United
States.

We didn't start the fire, Billy Joel. In the Eighties, we redefined the
American Dream, and those years defined us.

We are the generation in between strife and facing strife and not turning
our backs.

The Eighties may have made us idealistic, but it's that idealism that will
push us and be passed on to our children - the first children of the
twenty-first century. Never forget: We are the children of the Eighties.

If this is familiar, you are one of us... pass it on to all the others

[The March Hare]

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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[The March Hare]

Subject: FW: Scouse Joke



Rafa Benitez, the manager of Liverpool decides to send scouts around the world, to look for a new striker to help Liverpool win the title.

One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The manager flies to Iraq to have a look at him, and is suitably impressed, and arranges for him to come to Anfield.

Two weeks later, Liverpool are 4 - 0 down at home against Chelsea, and there are only twenty minutes left, Benitez has no choice but to throw the young Iraqi on.

The lad is a sensation, coring five goals in twenty minutes to win the game, the fans, his team mates, are chuffed to bits, and the media are hailing a new superstar.

When he has eventually finishes all the interviews, he phones his mum to tell her about his great debut:

"Hi mum, guess what, I played for twenty minutes , we were 4 - 0 down, but I scored 5, and we won, everybody loves me, fans,players, media, I am so happy"

His mum replies:

"Great, now let me tell you about my day.Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, whilst you were having a great time"

The young Iraqi is very upset by this news:

"What can I say to you mum, I am so sorry to hear that"

"Sorry!!!!!!!!!!!" says his mum, "It's your f*****g fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

[The March Hare]

!

88 Ways To Tell You Are Still Stuck In The 80's

1. your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the
banister
2. you relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose"
soundtrack
3. you think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome"
4. you're still bitter that Wham! broke up
5. Punky Brewster is your hero
6. You type all of your term papers on a Commodore 64
7. you still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your
house like Webster's
8. the only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man
9. you're building your own Clockwork Smurf
10. your summer attire is Jellies and Jams
11. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video
12. you consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem and
the Holograms
13. you wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and
lacy ankle socks
14. you call all motorcycle cops "Ponch"
15. every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks
16. you're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up
17. you know who Stinky Sullivan is
18. you work out with "Get in Shape Girl"
19. you want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up
20. you enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night
21. you know who Loverboy is
22. you think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion
23. you think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis"
24. you can sing the theme song to Small Wonder
25. every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell
"Fame!"
26. you still have a shoebox full of Garbage Pail Kid cards
27. you write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make "Born
in the USA" the national anthem
28. you still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine
29. you know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's karma
30. you stay up nights wondering what Bastian's mother's name was in "The
Neverending Story"
31. you have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak
32. you still practice your Care Bear Stare
33. you know that girls just wanna have fuh-un
34. you can name all The Wuzzles
35. you harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair
36. you can do the Safety Dance
37. in your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast Club 2"
38. you like to "connect the dots, la la la la!"
39. someone metions Jennifer Beals and you don't say "Who?"
40. your prized possession is a collection of "Return of the Jedi" Shrinky
Dinks
41. you know whose number is 867-5309
42. you get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall's career
43. you're starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote Control
44. you drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to
45. you consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th
century
46. you have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train
47. you want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers
48. you still watch things on Beta
49. you want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand
50. you know that "Weird Science" was a movie before a tv show
51. your favorite proverb is "some like it hot and some sweat when the heat
is on"
52. you always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house
53. your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos
54. you saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's opening act
55. you liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser
56. you know which Hollywood Square Jim J Bullock was in
57. you practice getting in and out of your car through the windows
58. you have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts
59. you're still wondering who really was the boss
60. you know what the "P" in "Alex P. Keaton" stands for
61. you keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the
physical challenge
62. you organize weekend tournaments of TV tag
63. you still drink New Coke
64. when you watch "Terminator 2" you wonder where Vincent is
65. you know ALF's real name
66. you never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eyeshadow
and feathered bangs
67. you can name all of the Thundercats
68. you got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese
69. everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent
70. your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann
71. sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out
72. you're planning a dream vacation to Mepos
73. you use your Speak and Spell to phone home
74. you know the original members of Menudo
75. sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love
76. when you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and
are surprised when it doesn't talk back
77. you remember when Vanessa sang Karaoke to "Locomotion"
78. you know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity
79. people are constantly gagging you with sthingys
80. your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is "Walk Like an Egyptian"
81. the only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to the
snakes
82. you still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date
83. you hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital
84. you know which five people Serpentor's DNA came from
85. you have "We Are the World" on 45
86. you're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik
87. you can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you
88. you watch NYPD Blue thinking, "Well, they're no Crockett and Tubbs,
that's for sure"

[The March Hare]

As They Get Old...

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grip.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on...
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their gr

[The March Hare]

!

Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much Of The 90's

22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the
back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom
breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital
gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the
products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve
their profits.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a
project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next
door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night
plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas
into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person

[The March Hare]

Conversation With Room Service In An Asian Hotel

A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in
Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye...Ruin sorbees...morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh...yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "What?"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine"

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

Guest: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

Guest: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"

Guest: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

Guest: "No...just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

Guest: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tos sy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

Guest: "You're welcome"

[The March Hare]

08:28:12
To: bob davis


Quote

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When Cinderella Got Old
Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother" The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome youngman."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.,The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........


"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

[The March Hare]

voice activated car radio

A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers.
Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision.
The woman angrily exclaimed, "not a very nice person!" ...The radio cut over to Bill Clinton's press conference

[The March Hare]

A Texan In Australia

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a
tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and
how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches...

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further
unimpressed - "I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental
bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy." The Sydney-Newcastle
expressway also gets his scorn "Is this a road, or a track?"

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and
severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself - "Stupid
grasshoppers

[The March Hare]

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.


A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.


When he asked what happened, she said, "I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can’t remember anything after I turned off the big

[The March Hare]

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Act Of God

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!"

An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

[The March Hare]

A Long Flight

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."


Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."


An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours, but don’t worry - we still have one engine left."


A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day

[The March Hare]

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Van Gogh's Family Tree

His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------ Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes --------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia -------------------------- U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ------------------------------- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ---------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------- A mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---------- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach-------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle --------------------------------- Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ----------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ---------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst -------------------------------- E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin ---------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------- Way-to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------- Go Gogh

His niece who travels in a van ------------------------- Winnie Bay Gogh

And there ya Gogh

[The March Hare]

To: bob davis










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Fact of the Day

It's not well known but Frederick Delius the composer was also a great cook.
It's believed that as a young man he studied under George Auguste Escoffier
and was known across France for the quality of his soufflés.
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But then again this could just be a Delius Myth

sorry if this is a bit too much...

[Emma]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[Emma]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."